(Closed) I made myself prisoner…HELP! I’m so depressed…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I once posted a thread asking for advice about porn and strip clubs. I won’t say I’ve mastered the issue but I have learned some valuable advice from some of my best girlfriends. That is, no one should occupy so much time, thought and energy in your life more than you have for yourself. Yes you are in a relationship but if all your energy is focused on another that’s not you it’s not healthy. All the energy spent worrying, planning your life around watchdogging your SO is very tiring and you should spend it more on what you want in life.

I’m not being judgemental here but this advice was the one that opened my eyes to stop feeling to bothered by the actions of my SO. I trust him and try to keep that in mind and not get worked up by the little things. It’s hard and I’m not totally there yet but that chould be a good start.

Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

Ok… you may certainly have a control issue.. espicially if it’s been since your childhood (which your brother pointed out)

BUT…

I don’t think having a problem with your husband looking at porn is a control issue. I think it’s merely being a woman.

I know you said you’re not a religous person but really.. God did not make a woman to “compete” with another for the sexual rise of thier husband.

Your husband clearly has an addiction and is in denial about it considering he doesn’t think it’s a problem.. other than too you.

I don’t agree with your parents counsel AT ALL… there is no reason you should feel like you’re wrong for having this insecurity

The problem is.. today’s society has completely accepted things like porn and masturbation BUT in reality it takes for the intimacy of a marriage.. violates it’s trust.. and can destory it.

I suggest you seek counsel maybe at a local church… I know you’re not religious.. but there aren’t many avenues outside of that that agree with this behavior as wrong.

Mind you I’ve never been told I have a control issue… but I can totally understand the snooping as my ex-husband didn’t see anything wrong with porn or any kind of defiled sex life… I was constantly checking where he has his magazines to see if they were moved, etc… and even listened when he was in the bathroom for what seemed “too long”…. AND even caught him in the act after we had had sex like 6 times that day. It was terrible… and I was made to feel like I was the one with the problem…

BUT….

I wasn’t. That behavior is wrong and destructive seek other counsel TOGETHER! set boundaries and tell him that whether HE thinks it’s wrong or not it HURTS you and that should be reason enough for him to seek help in not doing that!

I feel for you! And hope this helps AT ALL….

Post # 5
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I forgot to say, another good advice I heard regarding this issue was “it’s only a big deal if we make it one”.

Post # 7
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

I agree with amnystik. I also think that you should try to include him in some marital counseling. Counseling together and apart would be good for both of you. They do have counselors that specialize in this type of thing. If I were you, I would seek the counsel of one of those.

If counseling doesn’t work, I am sad to say, but you may need to rethink your relationship, so you can find yourself again and be happy with yourself.

Post # 8
Member
380 posts
Helper bee

Sounds like you need more therapy, not more advice from weddingbee.

Now that you’ve had an epiphany and realized/accepted your control issues, maybe therapy will be more fruitful.  You can’t be helped until you want the help, and it sounds like you’re at that point.

I’m glad that it sounds like your controlling behaviour hasn’t alienated loved ones, and they care enough about you to be truthful with you.

Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

Oh sweetie I’m not catholic!

I just believe the bible! and What Jesus said!

Being religious doesn’t mean a whole lot these days.. rather I like my relationship with the REALLY BIG God that just so happened to make the universe AND me (every single part)

You can find a local non-denominational/protestant church in your area and believe me.. THIS is what the church is for!

My mom started doing like a life coaching in our church and the people she counsel generally aren’t part of our church OR any church.

Don’t let not being “religious” stop you from that counsel….. a sound “bible-teaching” church is going to be the best place for you to get counsel AND has alot more experience in this area of marriage than you would think.

ALSO a really great FAMILY/MARRIAGE pastor is Joe McGee… He has TONS of video/cd teaches on marriage and you can get those without ever setting foot in a church

http://joemcgeeministries.netfirms.com/bookstore/nfoscomm/catalog/index.php

He’s FUNNY, practical, and biblical and probably like NOTHING you’ve ever seen of a teacher in church…

It certainly can’t hurt 😉

Post # 11
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@runsyellowlites: She never says her hubby has an addiction. However, your ex, based upon what you have said, actually had an addiction. MsBBerry’s Darling Husband doesn’t sound like he has an addiction. She has to figure out a way to come to terms with his behavior and what she is going to do about it. Now if my Darling Husband watched porn and I didn’t like it and it continued I would surely be upset. But, I would not resort to snooping. Because her behavior is likely alienating her from her husband. Which simply perpetuates the problem. I know people who are steadfast against their Boyfriend or Best Friend, Fiance, or DH’s watching porn, but usually it doesn’t result to snooping nor does it result in the kind of turmoil she is enduring. A wise person once told me that if I wanted to be treated in a certain way, I would have to treat others in that same manner. If I want something from someone, the burden is on me to show them what I want. Not simply control the situation to get what I want. I beg she really wants intimacy with her Darling Husband.

Post # 12
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@MsBBerry: I am sorry you are feeling so down about everything lately. Unless their is something else going on between you and your Darling Husband that makes you believe he is using porn as some sort of outlet, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Try to focus on what you want for yourself. You mentioned your difference in sex lives and I am not sure if that is about the porn or just between the two of you. You also mention your Darling Husband promised to make sex life better for you both. No one can make your sex life better for you. You kind of have to know what you want and be able to act upon it. Husbands are different creatures than wives and they don’t read minds or know what we want. Sometimes they think they know…but they really only know what we tell them. I encourage you to continue seeking help. It doesn’t have to be with a counselor unless you think you should. I also agree couples therapy may be helpful too. You have to dig down deep to figure out what about his porn watching don’t you like and tell him. Often men tend to think we women just feel the way we feel because we are women, not because we have valid reasoning. Unfortunately because you are the one who is expressing concern the burden is on you to show him what really concerns you.

Good luck to you and your hubby. I know you two can get over this hump.

Post # 13
Member
460 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I am not married yet, but I went through a similar situation with my man. I just felt really unwanted when he went to the strip club (once lol) and was watching porn. Honestly I think it is just a man/woman difference, men appreciate a soft body, and it doesn’t mean they are cheating by looking. The compromise we came up with was… If he wants to go to a strip club I go with him. That way I can see he really isn’t doing anything wrong. I watch porn with him now to. And while we don’t do these things very often, it has definately spiced up our sex life (there are women friendly porn flicks) and a new type of trust between us.

Post # 14
Member
440 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Personally I think that you and your husband really need to go to couples therapy. I also think that you need to make sure you are in the right type of therapy – whether it be psychoanalysis therapy or something like behavior modification therapy or whether it is just a talk therapy where you can just have an outlet and sounding board for your daily frustrations. Therapy is really really hard work and it is not something you can do half heartedly.

I have a couple of questions for you –

Does the porn change the person you married?

Does your worrying about the porn change the person you are?

Does the porn make you love you husband less?

Does the porn make you love yourself less?

Does the porn make your husband love you less?

Aside from the porn are you happy in your relationship? In other words are their other problems and is the porn just becoming the arguing point for other issues?

I think your parents and family are just trying to help you and are being as supportive as they can.

I also think that at somepoint in life you just have to move on. My mom was really ill when I was younger and my dad dumped a lot of the responsibility on me. I was 16 and the primary care giver for my mother. I was angry for a long time and really screwed up. It didn’t matter how many apologies or compromises were made to me. I was not able to let it go. Then I realized that I was dragging this issue around with me and it was truly inhibiting me from living a full life. It took years of therapy to get me past my resentment for not being able to make my dad take on more responsibility than he did. You cannot change other people you can only change yourself.

Post # 15
Member
272 posts
Helper bee

Regarding therapy, you said that you had tried “many counselors.”  Really, therapy works best when you stick it out with the same counselor (therapist, psychologist, whatever) for the long haul – not washing your hands of it after a few sessions and trying out someone new.  It may be that the same control issues you have in your marriage will also make it really hard to let go of the control enough to really engage in therapy with a counselor; in a sense, things will be out of your hands for awhile, and that might be the most important part of the therapy.

What types of insecurities do you have about yourself, and your sexual attractiveness to your husband? You mentioned that a huge part of this is your jealousy, and that is definitely something you can work on by bolstering your own self esteem.

Finally, this is the tough love part, I can’t imagine being married to someone like you.  I would be out the door in a second if I felt policed in my own home.  You’re stalking your husband! Does he know the extent of what you’re doing to him? How would you feel if he was watching you secretly on a nanny-cam all day?!?!

Post # 16
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Indiana Memorial Union

I’d ask your doctor if anti-depressants are appropriate for your situation. I’ve been in a similar position and most of it was chalked up to a major hormonal imbalance. You’d be surprised how much of your life is dictated by hormones. There are medications that help.

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