(Closed) I made myself prisoner…HELP! I’m so depressed…

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Have you tried ignorance?  I’m not saying permanently, I just mean, have you tried to go 1 week without thinking, talking about or fighting about porn?  Maybe try it?  Maybe the relief of not walking on eggshells around each other and not being at each others throats constantly and not being worked up and bothered will help you both realize whether or not it is truely an important issue to your relationship?

Not a break from each other.  Just a break from what you call “the one thing” that is wrong with your relationship.  It could turn out that it’s not that big of a thing after all, but since it consumed so much of your life for so long you thought it was.  It won’t make the issue go away, but it might let you both clear your minds and think about it in a different light. 

 

Post # 33
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

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@Edina: The name of the documentary is “The Price of Pleasure: Pornagraphy, Sexuality and Relationships” and it was created by researchers/scholars from New York University. The website for the film is http://thepriceofpleasure.com/index.html (the site is work safe). It’s deeply disturbing stuff.

Post # 34
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

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@Magdalena: Thanks!

Post # 35
Member
825 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I know that you spoke to therapists, but have you considered medicine? It might help a lot, I know it can help with irrational and compulsive thoughts. Good luck!

Post # 36
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

I think in a sense you have a very legitimate complaint.  Your husband is not gratifying you as frequently as you would like and ‘wasting’ his energy on other things – potentially upsetting for most women.  Have you tried thinking about whether it’s the passivity, lack of effort, that appeals to him sometimes, and whether you can supply that on occasion?

But also, and this is the crux.  THIS IS MAKING YOU MISERABLE.  Therefore stop focusing on it immediately.  It doesn’t matter if you’re right or wrong.  You love your husband and he loves you – let it go – it’s not important right now not in a big picture sense.

Go get a hobby, a new project at work, make a five year and ten year plan for your life, plan the vacation of your life.  Something, anything. 

 

Post # 37
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

@Arachna I think that is AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME advice! Getting your mind off of the problem rather than meditating on it all the time.

I recentlly (like in the last couple of days) learned this…. When we say/think/or even pray our problems they will ultimately get bigger.

I think that you doing something to get your mind off of the problem is by no means accepting it or just “turning a blind eye” rather it will help strengthen you to find YOU again considering when we’re experiencing trauma we can easily lose ourselves in it.

I’m excited to hear what you find for yourself to focus on…. new hobby’s can be so great!… and hey you may find yourself greatly talented at something that you never even knew you could do…. even if it is planning amazing vacations (which I do sometimes lol) 😉

Post # 40
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Tough one.  My FH has been in counseling and couples counseling for a couple of years now.  Before that he used to watch porn, I caught him, but since then he doesn’t (yes, I do have faith in that 🙂 We see the same therapist both for us individual and also for couples…who can vouch for that and they explore it ….Basically he feels it’s unhealthy for him and can’t watch it, not just for us, but for himself as well.  And that’s the thing.  Your guy has to honestly want to stop it for himself.  But it doesn’t sound like he wants to.

For me personally, especially b/c I’ve seen that it is possible to stop/be absent in a relationship, I don’t think there should be porn-watching in a relationship.  And NEVER porn watching where there was lying.  We see porn as cheating but that’s just us.  I think it depends on the couple. If the other person knows about it and accepts it, you can say it’s not cheating.  It’s strange because I know a couple of instances of people in healthy marriages, including a couple of male therapists I know, where the man watches porn.  But what IS crucial is that the wife knows about it.  There cannot be ANY lying about it or sneaking.  That’s a definite one.  

I don’t know, it’s a tough one.  Is it cheating? Some would say yes, others no.  But no matter what he CANNOT hide it from you, if that’s even what’s going on.  There needs to be communication around it, and around your sex life, and what it’s doing for him, etc.  Therapy can work wonders in this area.  If he lets you know that he watches porn and is willing to communicate about it and answer your questions, I don’t think it’s that horrible.

Post # 41
Member
3613 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

@MsBBerry – I completely sympathize with your post. I could’ve written this myself a few years ago. I’m insanely jealous in relationships and I have probably suffered more pain from my feelings than any of my partners did. Like you I went to therapy multiple times and achieved nothing. Like you, one of my biggest issues has always been with porn, strippers, gratituous nudity and the like. Things that bother other jealous women like female friends, coworkers etc don’t bother me as much. Therapists always tried to tell me the things I’m threated by won’t lead to my partner leaving me; and what they just didn’t get or believe is that I’m not actually afraid of being cheated or dumped! I mean I always consider this within the realm of possibilities but not a very likely one, I’m actually pretty confident in myself and my relationships.  It’s just that I’m very passionate in relationships, give myself fully, become completely enamored with the man I am with and expext the same; I just can’t bear to share my man with anyone else mentally. It just seems unfair to me he would be looking at others when I’m young and attractive, our sex life is great, and I don’t look at other men.

So have I managed to deal with my jealousy? Only partially. My husband still says my jealousy is the only thing he would change about me, but admits I’ve been better. I feel better because I haven’t tortured myself with terrible thoughts or cried myself to sleep in a long time. Here’s how:

1. Age. I’m in my mid-30’s and somehow have a more relaxed attitude about things. Looks and sex are not my first priorites in life. Guess it’s called maturity 🙂

2. Time. Been in the relationship five years now. With that comes trust (a good thing), decreasing of the intense passion that you had the beginning (sad but true, and helps with controling the intense jealousy that accompanied it), and weariness (tired of fighting the same fights, start picking your battles). Somehow him not cleaning up his mess angers me more now than him watching a sex scene.

3. Realism. Accepting that some things are just fact of life, you cannot change them, and you cannot control them. He is a human being, he will eventually check out someone else on tv or on the street and find them hot, and occasionally fantasize about other people while he’s alone and act on it, or worse, do it while he’s with me. And this will probably happen more and more often in the future as our relationship gets older. And I will probably be guilty of the same thing.

4. Knowing you’re not crazy. Not all your rules and wishes fall into #3 above, there will be some things that are just unacceptable to you even if they’re ridiculous to others, and that you don’t have to let go of all your values to please other people. For me porn and strippers still fall into this category. I told my husband long before we got engaged that I will never be ok with these things, they hurt me deeply, and that if these are his “thing” then he should move on and find someone else because we can’t make each other happy. He accepted, he stayed, and it has never been a problem. He understands this is part of the mutual respect of in our relationship and a rule he would (hopefully) never break unless he wants to lose me.

Wish you the best.

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