I make more $$$ than my fiance …

posted 2 years ago in Rings
Post # 16
Member
1029 posts
Bumble bee

This might be a controversial thing to say here, but ….

As an old woman (in my 50’s), I’m surprised that young women, the age of most Bees, still consider an engagement ring to be a “gift” that the man has to purchase for her. 

I was engaged 30 years ago and we both paid for my ring. 

So many couples are already living together, with at least some of their finances combined, so why would he have to buy the ring on his own? 

Sorry, but this is such an outdated idea and I would think twice about marrying a man who insisted otherwise. 

You are combining your entire lives. Combining your money to pay for your ring should be a given. 

Post # 17
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2020

We combined finances already so it’s not so much his money or my money, but I got a huge bonus at work and told my fiance I wanted to use it to buy a new diamond. I had originally gotten a moissy and realized that I wanted a diamond instead. He was totally fine with it and just wanted me to have what I wanted. 

Post # 18
Member
13653 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
Hereforthecake : People can do whatever works for them but to call the concept of a gift to mark a special occasion such as an engagement outdated or sexist is also absurd. An equally logical gesture, if you feel things should not be so one sided, and feel moved, is to reciprocate with a symbolic gift of your own, within budget. That’s what I did. 

Post # 19
Member
13 posts
Newbee

I’m on the side of it’s a joint purchase since you are about to combine finances anyway.  My fiancé and I discussed a budget before going ring shopping and settled on an amount that was comfortable to both of us.  

Maybe you can show him a ring you’re interested in and suggest contributing the rest so you can buy it together.  Have you gone ring shopping yet?  You could also have this discussion while looking at rings.

Post # 20
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
Hereforthecake :  This is just my .02 but I think considering an engagement ring as a gift makes perfect sense. Saying that because a couple is joining finances they should pay for a ring together makes as much sense as saying couples should split all gifts for each other once married. 

If anything I’d like to see more women give their men engagement rings. Couples could decide if they want someone to propose first or together and then both get a symbol of their impending commitment and new path together. That would be more reflective of the more even standing men and women have now.

With that being said: OP, putting money toward the ring is absolutely fine. Go for it and get something you love. 

Post # 21
Member
1485 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’m a firm believer there no right or wrong way to purchase/get a ring, propose, get married etc. whatever works best for the couple is what should happen and what works best for one couple won’t work best for other couples. It shouldn’t matter what other people think or what they did… it should matter what will make most sense for the people involved. That being said you both have to be on the same page about those things, so as long as he’s alright with it, then there shouldn’t be an issue! I know all to well what it is to have a certain idea of what you want in a ring so if that more than what he’s able to spend there’s no reason you shouldn’t chip in or bring up chipping in since this is a ring you’re going to be wearing mostly every day for the rest of your life or at least a very long time! And it’s very true that when you’ve committed your life to someone finance are part of that partnership! Hopefully it all works out! 

Post # 22
Member
9921 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Personally, I think DH would have been insulted, but it’s because he put such a high value on the symbolic nature of the ring – his expression of love and commitment to spend our lives together.  That being said, I never dreamt of an engagement ring and would have been happy with anything DH selected because of what it meant. 

I think if your SO is open to it, there’s nothing wrong with contributing to the ring, but that you need to be aware of how he could perceive your offer. If he’s upset, back off. 

Post # 23
Member
423 posts
Helper bee

I also knew the ring I wanted and if only he had paid for it, it wouldn’t have been what I envisioned. But it’s not only about the ring, like PP have said, it’s about being in this together for everything once you’re married. We split the cost of my engagement ring and bought it together, at first he didn’t like the idea but now he’s glad we did. An engagement should be a commitment both of us step into together, so it made sense to also buy the ring together.

For a lot of men getting a ring is overwhelming, considering all the details involved and the cost. I think you should definitely talk to your SO about it, but try to not make it only about the ring/carat size you’d like, but about taking this step together.

Post # 24
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2020

I’m going totally against the grain here. 
My fiancé would of been highly insulted if I told him I would put money towards my ring. 
I understand if you guys are sharing bank accounts already, but I’m not interested in putting my money into an engagement ring. Just like anything else, he should save his money to purchase the ring he can afford. If that meant a not so expensive ring at the moment, that would work. If/when he was in a better place, he could upgrade my ring. I would be more excited that he asked me to marry him than the actual ring itself.  

Post # 25
Member
3258 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

We paid for my ring together. To me, it made sense. We both work and our finances affect us both, so why should it be up to him to pay for it? 

Post # 26
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: Las Vegas

My opinion goes against the grain here, but I’ve always had the opinion of the person who proposes will pay for the ring. Personally, I see the engagement ring as a gift to the person who is being proposed to. Generally, you don’t chip in for gifts given to you by aborted person. 

My boyfriend paid for the ring that he will propose with. And we share finances. I simply found one I like that was within our budget. 

 

 

 

Post # 27
Member
554 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

You should know your husband better than strangers online lol

My fh 100% wouldn’t be a fan of that

Post # 28
Member
1726 posts
Bumble bee

I’ve heard of this happening. I don’t see that it’s an issue, some men might be a bit offended but you know him better than anyone so I’m sure you can figure it out. Actually I feel like it probably happens a lot and people just don’t talk about it! My hubby bought my ring but to be honest in that lead-up period when he was saving I probably picked up more of the cheque’s for dinners and events etc so I’m inadvertently helping pay for it too 😂. Xo

Post # 29
Member
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad idea.  I also make more than DH.  What I did though, was he gave me a budget, and I went and looked at rings that I liked in that budget.  Gave him like 3 options and he picked the one.  It was a little different though, because I did not want a diamond.  He gave me something like a $500 budget, and my ring ended up being like $180 after a sale, and coupons, and kohls cash…yes i bought my ring from kohls

Post # 30
Member
90 posts
Worker bee

I see no problem unless your partner is super traditional.  You’ll presumably be combining finances eventually anyway – why waste more money upgrading later (from your shared household income), versus just getting the ring you want now?  Find out what budget he has in mind, do the research to find out what your dream ring will cost, then explain to him that, while you’ll love and cherish anything he gives you, you have fallen in love with a particular ring that’s over his budget, but since you’ll be combining finances down the line anyway, would he be open to you chipping in the difference to get the ring of your dreams?  If he reacts poorly, then I say back away from it and upgrade for a future milestone in a few years, after you’ve been married and budgets are based on household income (unless he’s super sentimental, which is a different issue).

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