I married an addict…advice welcome.

posted 2 months ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I’m so, so, so sorry that you’re going through this. My dad hid his cocaine addiction from my mom quite successfully for about five years. As their marriage started to fall apart they bought a house to try and mend things and after HE left HER it had to be sold. Between that, the divorce, and paying off his debts that she discovered later we went from having a big, newly done house in a large city to moving to the boonies and her struggling to get back onto her feet. He eventually got clean, but then moved to pills after an injury.

She is also the child of an alcoholic, who died by suicide when she was a teenager. She said that she found that her “learned normal” as a child kept her from seeing some major warning signs and leaving her relationship with my father when she should’ve. As a teenager she wanted to help “fix” her dad, and she felt the same way with my dad. If she could do the right things she would be able to help him get better, which she eventually realized was a pattern she had to break out of.

It’s so good to hear that you’re in therapy, and going to Nar-Anon. Do I understand things correctly in that you can afford to stay in the place you both live right now by yourself? And that you can pull out of the new build house? I’d invite a friend over, box up all of his things, and call someone for him to temporarily stay with. 

Would either of you be obligated to pay spousal support after divorce?

 

Post # 34
Member
97 posts
Worker bee

inpupnito :  To be honest, I don’t always deal well.

I do think Suboxone is a good med, for several reasons.  I am not sure how much your husband abuses it based on your posts, or how he does.  FI was prescribed quite a large dose at the beginning.  It is not easy to step down or come off of.  I have seen him go through some pretty bad withdrawal. His general practitioner precribed him some stomach meds and non addictive anxiety meds to cope.

Some doctors recommend their patients never come off of it.  It sucks but… relapse rates are high among addicts.

Right now I am taking it day by day.  We live together, 2 dogs and he has 2 kids who I am close with. It is not an easy life but it is also not an easy decision to walk away – I understand what you are going through.  Addiction is a disease but it is a selfish and infuriating one.

As far as the other shoe dropping, I try to minimize risk by managing our finances and, like you (I am sure), I keep myself involved in his medication schedules and try to stay informed. There is only so much you can do, and it is cliche but you have to take care of YOU first if you have any hope for them to change. Freaking out every second of the day about what he was doing wasn’t getting me anywhere.

I agree that the problem is not just “one little issue” messing everything up. Addiction destroys the trust.   Then once they are doing the right thing, the trust has to be built from the ground up.  Tiring doesn’t even beging to describe it. 

Take your time to do what is best for you.

Post # 36
Member
97 posts
Worker bee

inpupnito :  Yes to everything you said.  I still have some co-dependency issues I am working on (I go to therapy).  Addiction or not, I would control the finances (I am just better at it, I do a lot of accounting in my profession) but as far as managing medicine you are absolutely right, that is first and foremost their responsibility.

The guilt is awful. I know.  Everyone has their “stuff” but addiction is so much more than that.  It is really complicated, not one size fits all, and not a lot of people understand the rollercoaster ride that is loving someone who is an addict.  Especially when that person doesn’t believe their addiction is as big on an issue as it actually is. 

Post # 38
Member
9396 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

inpupnito :  OMG GET A DIVORCE!!! Please do not commit your life to a crack  and heroin addict. If you do stay married I would get iron clad birth control because its cruel to have a man like that as your dad. Seriously though just get a divorce. You can wish him well on his recovery but you dont not have to lay YOUR life on the line to see it through. Do not go through with this house. Do not make decisions based on optimism. 

ETA: Im sorry if my reply was not sympathetic enough- I am sure this is gut wrenching but staying with him and pretending all is fine and well just enables his lifestyle. I have plenty of friends who went down this road in college, and guess what? Theyre all dead now. Dont tie your life to him. You cannot make him well. 

Post # 39
Member
1256 posts
Bumble bee

inpupnito :  I’m glad to see you prioritizing yourself in your newest update. That is an incredibly hard thing to learn to do when you’re in a co-dependent relationship. 

I was raised by a single mother who was an addict. She managed it *ok* when I was really small, but by the time I was 12, we were homeless and living out of our van until she was arrested (and the van seized) for possession and went to prison. I didn’t know any of this had happened since I had spent the previous night on a friend’s couch in the trailer park we were parking in. All I knew was that I woke up one morning and the van and my mom were gone. I went into foster care. And that was my life until I went off to college and was able to gain a little more control over my circumstances. 

Of course, I had known about her drug abuse most of my life – I found the little mirror compacts with cut-off straws and powder in them, the little baggies filled with white stuff hidden in random places throughout the house, etc. 

It took me YEARS to unlearrn all the co-dependent bullshit that relationship taught me. It was so normalized in my mind that I attracted nothing but narcissistic/addict partners for a long time. Being co-dependent is a real issue because it doesn’t just affect your relationships once you’re in them – it means that you attract unhealthy relationships, because you are so much more willing to accept unhealthy behavior in the beginning than other healthier women are. 

In your shoes, having expereinced first hand the devastation addicts can cause, the supreme lack of self-control they have, the danger they put others in, I would be running in the opposite direction. Then I would spend at least a year or two focusing on myself, reading every book on addition/codependency/narcissism/etc, and going to therapy before starting to date again. 

I did all of this, put my MAJOR focus on self-love, self-prioritization, and creating very high, very strict standards for the men I would date, the behavior I would accept, etc. Soon after taking those steps, I met SO. Get away from this poisonous relationship and set yourself up for a far better one. I’m so glad to see that you seem to be ready to do this. 

Post # 41
Member
84 posts
Worker bee

inpupnito :  I dont know if you plan to have kids, but they deserve better than this.

You deserve better than this. You owe yourself to live a life not filled with paranoia and/or concern. Sorry, but I would be gone. You gave him chance after chance after chance. There is nothing else for you to give.

Post # 44
Member
9668 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

inpupnito :  hi bee. I can see you’re dreading telling him. There’s no easy way to tell him. You have to steel yourself with the desperation to survive and thrive, which you can’t do with him. 

You simply can’t.

so there is no other way but to tell him,  “honey, I love you but I don’t want to be married to you. I don’t want to close on this house. I’m filing for divorce.” 

He will threaten, cry, manipulate or maybe be stone cold. But no matter what he does, you are on the right path.

do it for yourself, as an act of love and caretaking. As your first big step in saying nope, not gonna keep going down the path already paved for me. This isn’t good enough, this isn’t what I want. I deserve to be happy. 

We are all pulling for you. Just remember, this is super hard and it sucks so bad, but you can’t get the good stuff without going through the bad stuff first. 

And there is sooooo much out there that will bring you joy and happiness. 

Xoxox

 

 

Post # 45
Member
974 posts
Busy bee

Not much to add to the excellent points here but to say that you are absolutely doing the right thing. Staying would not be fair or kind either to him and, more importantly, to yourself. And for the record, you’re very young and there is no chance that you will be alone forever. No chance.

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