(Closed) I married an addict (long, sorry)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I’d probably demand he goes back to rehab. It is my understanding that once you’ve become addicted to ANY drug you’re supposed to stay away from ALL drugs (including alcohol). So he shouldn’t be drinking at all, and certainly should not be stealing your pain meds (obviously). I don’t know a ton about addition but the fact that he seemed clean several years does seem like a good sign. If I were you I would probably give him another chance so long as he promises to go back to rehab, get himself cleaned up, and stay away from ALL drugs (including alcohol) in the future. I think you might also have to make a commitment though that you’ll do the same. I’m sure its hard to watch someone else take things you can’t. So that would mean no drinking around him, using non-narcotic RXs if at all possible (and if not possible maybe keeping them locked up somewhere at least for a few years until he’s farther past all of this?)

Post # 4
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I am so sorry you are going through this.  My emotional side says stick to your guns and leave like you said you would.  However, I think there is an element of “something he can’t control here.”  Sort of like a cheater is a cheater, an addict is an addict.  Addictive personalities brains are sometimes wired differently and although they may seek treatment and get better for a time, there is always a chance that when temptation comes, they will relapse.  It’s like a chronic disease that always needs treatment.  I think this time he should seek treatment.  Ongoing treatment.  Then, if he refuses to do that, I would refuse to stay.

Post # 5
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Yikes. Tough position for sure. I would straight out ask him if he took them. If he comes clean about it that’s one thing, but if he lies about it then you know that he is really falling back into an addict’s mindset. Are you willing to stick with him if he needs to go to rehab again? How will this affect your move? Should you be moving overseas with someone currently behaving like this? I think you have a lot to think about, and I definitely don’t know the answer. But the prospect of making a huge move under these circumstances is really scary to me.

Post # 7
Member
2463 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

i would feel really hurt if i were you too. he’s putting his addiction before your trust and your health (since you clearly needed those pills for your own legit needs). i don’t think i would straight out leave though–maybe separate until he goes back to rehab and gets clean, and do on-going counseling with you to help build back your trust? i’d let him know you’re serious, and that he’s risking your relationship by doing this, but i wouldn’t close the door completely without trying to get help

Post # 8
Member
555 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

If it was me, I would NOT make a huge move overseas with him.  This is years and years of a serious problem and although it got better for a while, the fact that he stole your medicine is a real issue.  The longer you stay married, you have children and things get even more complicated.  I say this all from the perspective of having a mom who is an alcoholic and alcoholism/drugs that run down both sides of my family.  Have you ever been to Al-anon?  It’s for friends/family of addicts.  It can be very helpful.  You teach people how to treat you and by continuing the relationship you’re saying that you’ll overlook it and are signing up for many more problems in the future.  I don’t think you should just leave and file for divorce immediately, but I think you need to come up with an amount of time that he needs to be in a 12 step program and clean/sober before you’ll even consider getting back together.  You deserve better than this!

Post # 10
Member
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

RUN!!!!!!!!

Post # 11
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

He’s sick and he needs treatment. Tell him he needs to go back to inpatient, outpatient, rehab, whatever. Enlist the help of family and friends if you need to. 

Post # 12
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

The poor kid needs help – and being his wife you need to stand behind him. for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. And he is sick. addiction is not something one can just overcome – its a lifetime struggle and to change it takes patience and support from family and friends as well as control on his part.

Leaving is taking the easy way out, and blaming him for a problem he cannot help. i take that back, he can help it but it wont be overnight. he also has to want to change, if no efforts are made on his part then you have to think about what is best for you, and possibly leave, but until things are too far gone, you need to be by his side helping him get better. just IMO.

you cannot be an enabler either – if you get more pills like that, lock them up, seriously.

Post # 13
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I agree that moving overseas in his condition may not really be a good idea.. You need to make him understand that he has to get help or  you will leave its no longer an option. I agree with locking your medicine away from him too

Post # 14
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@EmeraldR: Exactly.

Addiction is hard to overcome, yes. But it is NO EXCUSE. It is a choice to act on the urges. I would leave because this is such a long-standing problem, and this is a huge betrayal.

Post # 15
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

To be fair, you knew he was an addict when you married him, and just because he was clean at that time doesn’t mean his addictions just went away, it is something he has to deal with everyday for the rest of his life.  If he refused to seek help then I would agree with you leaving him, and would definitely not move over seas with him untill he gets the help he needs.  You just need to remember that you agreed to marry him “for better or worse” knowing he had these addictions.

Post # 16
Member
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I was in a relationahip with an alcoholic who lied, hid things from me and ultimately put my life in danger. I broke it off and now I am with someone who is honest, caring and with whom I feel safe. Don’t make the mistake of staying with someone who will lie to you and steal from you. He will keep doing it. He will not change. Run away as fast as you can. Love is not always enough and it could take years before he hits bottom. And he can drag you with him.

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