(Closed) I married an addict (long, sorry)

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 105
1636 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@OP- I’m sorry you are going through this. I think from reading your responses you are very angry and resentful towards your husband (which you have a right to be) so I think it would be beneficial for not only him to go to rehab but maybe you should speak with a professional as well to help with your anger towards him and see if there is any hope of saving your marriage if he does get clean.

@moara- the OP had the pills in her purse, somewhere that he shouldn’t have been, not in the medicine cabinet as you suggested. OP had a foot injury, just because her husband had a previous addiction doesn’t mean she should suffer through the injury, regardless of where the pills were he wanted them and he would have looked high and low for them regardless because he WANTED to take them. Putting this on the OP saying she should apologize is ridiculous in my opinion.

@OP- I wish you the very best and your husband too, I hope he can overcome this addiction and you both can work through your issues.

Post # 106
1398 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@jackndiane:  I agree with you.  That story is extreme.  But, the OP is on the other end of the spectrum thinking that he can just “turn off” his addiction because he PROMISED to….

Post # 108
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I am so, so sorry you are going through this.  I definitely agree that if he doesnt recognize he has a problem then he is no where near ready to get himself help.

For all of you who are saying “in sickness and in health”, you have no idea what it’s like for someone to live in a situation that is terrible and difficult.  Shame on you for judging.  It is terribly unfair to you and children you could potentially have in the future to be raised in that type of environment.

All you can do is seek counsel, take all the information you have and make the best decision you can make with it.  Whether you choose to stick around a while longer to see how it goes or pack your bags, you are not at fault for taking care of yourself.

As an adult I’ve reassured my mother several times that leaving my father was the best decision she made for my siblings and I.  Sure my grandmother threw the “in sickness and in health” thing in her face, but there’s no way we could have survived with him around. 

Post # 109
3048 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

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@sadTXbee: I’m so glad you went to the counselor with him. I’m always glad you are taking care of yourself by leaving and taking some time to clear your head. You won’t be able to help him if you don’t take care of yourself. However this ends up, just know that I am thinking about you! I am here to help if you need to “talk”. Don’t let other people get you down. Yes, you need to educate yourself about addiction–in particular him and his addiction. But no, there are no black & white areas here. You have every right to be hurt in this situation! I wish you the best and will be praying for you!

Post # 110
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2000

I haven’t read all of the replies (and don’t know if you will either) but I pray that you read this one. I just hope that I can word it correctly.

If you love this man, don’t give up on him,yet. Yes,you will have to give him a choice–me or change. Stick to your guns, but give him a chance.

My daughter is an addict. She’s an alcoholic and a drug addict. Heroin is her drug of choice, but she would take whatever she could get her hands on. If it could be ingested, injected or snorted and get her high, it was good by her. For years, she stole meds (even ones that weren’t narcotics but still give her a little of that “feeling”. She stole money, debit cards, credit cards, checks, Christmas presents (so she could sell/hock/return)–anything that wasn’t fastened down. She broke into our house to steal things. She was selling drugs for drug money. I have no doubt that she was trading sex for drugs, but we’ve never talked about that. She just says she doesn’t want me to know everything.

I got custody of her 2 kids so that she couldn’t come in and take them away and expose them to who knows what (the kids lived with me, because she was always gone). She also had no control over me (she would used tham as pawns–if I wouldn’t do this or that, she would take them).

She served time in prison for drug-related crimes….multiple times, multiple states.

I only tell you this so that you know how bad her addictions were.

One day, she got tired of it all and went to re-hab.SHe left a few days later (4 days, maybe?) and got herself into a half-way house. At the half-way house, she was required to do AA 4 times/week (minimum). She spent 9 months at the half-way house (she earned privileges as she progressed in the program and was able to come and go, freely, by the time she finished). She continued in AA.

Two weeks ago, she celebrated her fourth “birthday” as a sober person. She understands that she can never drink, because, for her, drinking leads to drugs. She won’t take prescription pain drugs (even when she broke her foot 2 yrs ago). I know, because she gave the prescription to me.

I guess the point of this is that anything is possible, if your husband has the desire. I thought my daughter would die on the streets.

But, I want to emphasize that a rehab program, alone, is not enuff. A rehab program (which may or may not be necessary–only you two know this)may help your husband learn his addictions. It may help him understand his addiction (they are often inherited and there is nothing in his life tht caused it. Yes, they are genetic. But, a 12 step program is. My daughter continues to go to AA 3 or 4 times/week.She performs community service, She helps other addicts/alcoholics, in their time of need. She credits AA with her being alive and so do I.

Tell him he has to go to AA. AA is a life-time committment.I have met too many people who have turned their lives around, after being in a much lower place than your husband, to ever think AA doesn’t work. I encourage you to go to Al-Anon (for families of addicts, to help you learn to cope).

If he does the things you ask of him, there is no reason your marriage can’t work.

Good luck.

Post # 111
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

For me, my three dealbreakers are: Abuse, Addiction and Adultery. 

I would not move overseas with anyone who is an active addict and I would leave him until he could get his life back in check. 

I’m so sorry.   You’ve been down this road with him before and I think you have been strong in the past, which will help you again.

Post # 112
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I just saw your update.   I’m so glad he has gotten some help, and like you, I am concerned that he doesn’t really realize he has a problem.    I think that you are doing all of the right things, and I hope you get some answers soon.

Post # 113
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

First of all ::hugs:: and I would like to say how sorry I am for all the responses that have NOT been supportive. I can’t imagine what you are going through.

I’m not going to give you advice or tell you how wrong he is. I think you are dealing with this the right way, looking for help and taking this one step at a time. It’s so easy to say you’ll leave but a whole different ballgame to walk out the door (speaking from previous experience). Just know there are bees here that are sending you all the best wishes in the world. I cannot possibly understand the hurt you are feeling let alone try and judge where you go from here.

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