I haven’t read all of the replies (and don’t know if you will either) but I pray that you read this one. I just hope that I can word it correctly.
If you love this man, don’t give up on him,yet. Yes,you will have to give him a choice–me or change. Stick to your guns, but give him a chance.
My daughter is an addict. She’s an alcoholic and a drug addict. Heroin is her drug of choice, but she would take whatever she could get her hands on. If it could be ingested, injected or snorted and get her high, it was good by her. For years, she stole meds (even ones that weren’t narcotics but still give her a little of that “feeling”. She stole money, debit cards, credit cards, checks, Christmas presents (so she could sell/hock/return)–anything that wasn’t fastened down. She broke into our house to steal things. She was selling drugs for drug money. I have no doubt that she was trading sex for drugs, but we’ve never talked about that. She just says she doesn’t want me to know everything.
I got custody of her 2 kids so that she couldn’t come in and take them away and expose them to who knows what (the kids lived with me, because she was always gone). She also had no control over me (she would used tham as pawns–if I wouldn’t do this or that, she would take them).
She served time in prison for drug-related crimes….multiple times, multiple states.
I only tell you this so that you know how bad her addictions were.
One day, she got tired of it all and went to re-hab.SHe left a few days later (4 days, maybe?) and got herself into a half-way house. At the half-way house, she was required to do AA 4 times/week (minimum). She spent 9 months at the half-way house (she earned privileges as she progressed in the program and was able to come and go, freely, by the time she finished). She continued in AA.
Two weeks ago, she celebrated her fourth “birthday” as a sober person. She understands that she can never drink, because, for her, drinking leads to drugs. She won’t take prescription pain drugs (even when she broke her foot 2 yrs ago). I know, because she gave the prescription to me.
I guess the point of this is that anything is possible, if your husband has the desire. I thought my daughter would die on the streets.
But, I want to emphasize that a rehab program, alone, is not enuff. A rehab program (which may or may not be necessary–only you two know this)may help your husband learn his addictions. It may help him understand his addiction (they are often inherited and there is nothing in his life tht caused it. Yes, they are genetic. But, a 12 step program is. My daughter continues to go to AA 3 or 4 times/week.She performs community service, She helps other addicts/alcoholics, in their time of need. She credits AA with her being alive and so do I.
Tell him he has to go to AA. AA is a life-time committment.I have met too many people who have turned their lives around, after being in a much lower place than your husband, to ever think AA doesn’t work. I encourage you to go to Al-Anon (for families of addicts, to help you learn to cope).
If he does the things you ask of him, there is no reason your marriage can’t work.