(Closed) I Married the wrong guy

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
1680 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@princesstwilightsparkle: I’m going to be 100% honest with you, I was in a similar situation at one point. I chose my now DH and am so glad I did.

The “other” guy was sweet, charming, “responsible”, “respectable”, polite. He surprised me with thoughtful gestures and was always trying to win my heart. He was the epitome of a southern gentleman (a major rarity in the north!)

Underneath of that, I later learned he is controlling, obsessive, and fake. My affection for him was skin deep. I wanted his romanticism, not him. I wanted what I thought “we” would be.

What I’m trying to say is, would you really be this unhappy in your marriage if the other guy never existed? Eliminate him totally. Is your DH really so bad? Maybe so. But no matter what, talk to him. Try to make it work, and then see what happens.

Oh, and most importantly, see a counselor.

Post # 48
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@princesstwilightsparkle:  Ok, as someone that has been divorced before I hope you take my advice and really think about it. 

Divorce is NOT easy and in my mind, it should be the “last resort” after counseling, self-reflection, changing of ways, etc. I divorced b/c as many times as I/we had been to counseling, my exH was not willing to change or compromise. His family was always first….when I filed for divorce, he did say it would FINALLY change but as soon as I moved out, he was spending our money on his family. 

This wasn’t the ONLY reason for the divorce, there were countless reasons. What I’m trying to say/ask, would YOU be willing to continue your marriage IF these issues changed (not completely b/c that rarely happens) so that you/son felt #1? 

If NOT, then you really did a him a disservice by marrying him and procreating with him. FYI, he will take that personally and be ready for a fight if you divorce. 

I agree that you are romantizing this other guy. Set a timeline (a month or so), tell the other guy you need some time to yourself. Get the “Love Dare” book and try it out for a month…and NO contact with the other guy. Come back on the WB after that time and see how you feel. But YOU are not trying in this marriage either so it’s as much your fault as your DH.

Seriously, as much as I hated going through a divorce, I was able to walk away knowing that I had tried, given it my all. For that, I am grateful. Best wishes!

Post # 49
Member
841 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@princesstwilightsparkle:  Cut off contact with the other guy and work on your marriage. Go to couple’s counselling or something.

Post # 50
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

If you want your marriage to work you need to cut ALL communication with him and ALL ties you have with him. To give your marriage a fighting chance you need to remove him completely out of your life so you can focus on your marriage without distraction/emotional adultery.

Post # 51
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@princesstwilightsparkle:  Why exactly did you get married? Because some of your friends did? I agree with other posters that you haven’t given your marriage much of a chance, but in some instances, there are couples who should never have married in the first place, If you were never in love with him, you probably never will be.  This is different than a situation in which romance has faded a bot.

Post # 52
Member
4430 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

OP never responded – Sounds like this may have been a post to just get all us bees talking.  Maybe not, but just a hunch.

Post # 53
Member
1384 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

View original reply
@ChocolateLime:  Yep. I was thinking, “the grass in greener…” sort of a thing. 

 

Talk is cheap. I wouldn’t be so quick to let an ex romance me through a message. Relationships take work. I really think you need to talk to your husband OP. He doesn’t sound like a bad person, but perhaps letting him know that you don’t feel like a priority to him and going to therapy together will help. You and your family deserve the chance to at least try. I do think he needs to make you and the baby his top priority. 

Post # 54
Member
3275 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

View original reply
@sara_tiara:  

+1 End the emotional affair and seek counseling with your husband. Remember that though the grass may be greener on the other side, it still needs to be cut and weeded. Nobody is perfect. 

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