(Closed) I may be that “bad bridesmaid” – pls help me with some advice!

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think these things are really hard, but I think if your husband really needs you now, and your friend is TRULY giving you the ok (not just like a passive aggressive “I understand”), then you should stay home. 

But I think the BEST solution is to try and find some sort of compromise.  Maybe she would be so happy to have you there period, that you can skip the rehearsal dinner Friday, and just have someone come check on your husband twice during the day on Saturday (although I have no idea how long it takes to get between these two places).  But if it’s really impossible – obviously his health is the MOST important thing.

Post # 4
322 posts
Helper bee

This is a tough one but in no way do I think you would be a “bad” bridesmaid if you needed to stay and take care of your husband after so many horrible injuries. If it’s possible for you to go (emotionally and physically), I would. If not, then it’s ok!

Post # 5
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@Gardener:Obviously if that happened at your wedding and you didn’t freak out y’all are both pretty good brides and good friends.  There is NO WAY I would ever expect one of my girls to show if something like this happened to her!  If she’s really a good friend, she is more concerned for you and your husband’s health than her wedding 🙂  I say don’t go and buy her something really nice as a gift (maybe something on her registry that was a long-shot, or something personal you know she will love).

Post # 6
3166 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

yikes! maybe poll it? i’m up in the air – if you think you can peel yourself away, friday-saturday might be a good option. it depends on if you think you will enjoy yourself and not be a debbie downer. who knows, maybe you’ll be able to relax a bit. … or you’ll just be really stressed! think about your past reactions to stressful situations and if you can handle it emotionally or not. she obv understands that this is a big deal and you’re not trying to flake, so don’t worry about disappointing her! 

Post # 7
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t think you’re a ‘bad bridesmaid’ for wanting to tend to your recovering husband. I agree with the PP, if you can swing fri night/leave sat after the wedding, great. If she is fine with you just coming on Sat, that works as well. And if you can’t make it, spoil her a bit and maybe include a nice letter or something for her (maybe even send her a surprise card/gift to her honeymoon destination if you can swing it). 

IMO, Bridesmaid or Best Man who throws a fit about a fabric not being the most flattering or the flowers being ugly to her = Bad Bridesmaid or Best Man. BM who makes a thoughtful decision about caring for her recovering husband and being there for her best friend = great Bridesmaid or Best Man in a tough spot. Don’t be hard on yourself, you sound very thoughtful. 

Post # 8
10287 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think you need to stay with your husband. You are by no means a “bad bridesmaid” for having to bail on her wedding. I’m sure if the situation was reversed she would do the same thing, I think anyone would. 

If the wedding was local and you would only be gone for 6 hours then I would totally still do it but leaving your husband while he’s in that kind of condition is a bad idea, IMO. 

If anything you will probably be super stressed the whole time, wondering if he’s okay and if his needs are being taken care of. 

Post # 9
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

You aren’t opting out because you are selfish, you are opsting out because you HUSBAND was just in the hospital. Meaning? If she says it is okay and you have explained to her how badly you want to be there but feel you can’t and she has given you the OK then you are  fine. I would make sure to do something for her at a later time just to show her she really does matter and you really do wish you could have been there. Just as an extra “I love you” to her.

Post # 10
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

My dad had that same set of injuries after a bike accident a few years ago, almost exactly (6 ribs, clavicle, scapula, and pneumothorax) – he was hospitalized for 3 days until they took out the chest tube and then was home on pain meds.

I realize you are an RN so are totally familiar with recoveries like this, but after seeing what my dad went through, I’d say stay home. He couldn’t get in and out of bed, was in SO much pain, so really needed her there (and I think her.. not just another relative to ‘sit’). If this had happened 2 weeks ago, I’d say go to the wedding, but under the circumstances, I’d say stay 🙁 Or can you go just for the day, so he doesn’t have a night alone?

Post # 11
489 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think in any way this makes you a bad bridesmaid. Being that she has given you the ‘go-ahead’ to back out of the wedding, it shows she really understands the rough situation you are in.

I agree with Caitmarae, you will probably just worry about him the whole time if you go. If I were in the situation I would stay at home with my husband. He needs you right now, and you would probably feel more comfortable at home keeping an eye on him.


Post # 12
2249 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

do you have any friends good at AV? maybe you could video a toast for her, so she knows you are there in spirit. I would get all dolled up in your Bridesmaid or Best Man dress and video it, then even if she doesnt want to show it at the reception she will have your well wishes and memories there to support her on her special day!

Post # 14
5093 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

I don’t think you’re a bad bridesmaid at all.  The very fact that you’re worrying about being a bad bridesmaid after your husband was so badly hurt proves that.

I don’t know what to tell you to do in this situation, but whatever happens, it sounds like the bride will understand, and I don’t think you’ll be a “bad bridesmaid” at all.

Post # 15
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Oh my goodness! First, I’m so glad your husband is okay (or as okay as can be right now). He’s very lucky he wasn’t hurt worse. Second, if you were my Bridesmaid or Best Man I would be insisting that you DO stay home and take care of him! My goodness, it’s not like he has chicken pox or something, the man was in a accident and required hospitalization! I honestly and truly think your friend will be very understanding of your situation with not having anyone else to come take care of him, etc.

I think the idea of the video toast is absolutely lovely and I’m sure she would love that surprise. If you can’t swing that, I would write a little toast and ask another bridesmaid to read it for you. You are absolutely not a bad BM!!!

Post # 16
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think if it were me, I would try to go up just for Saturday. It kind of sucks, but it’s a short enough flight that you can do it. However, you’re in no way a bad bridesmaid if you decide to just skip it altogether and it sounds like your friend is understanding.

I also want to urge you to take up your friends’ offers to help. I completely understand not wanting to burden other people, but if they’re offering, then they probably really mean it. Good luck to you both!

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