- 4 years ago
I’ve lurked on this site for a few weeks but this is the first time I am posting. I’m hoping you can give me some advice because I feel like my world has come crashing down.
My Fi (Ben) proposed about a month ago. We’ve been together a little over 2 years. During those 2 years we talked about marriage in vague terms, in fact, he was always the first one to bring it up. I’ve read other posts where the Bees can’t understand how proposals can be a surprise, but trust me, mine was. We talked about getting married but we never had a timeline, like we never said we wanted to get married by the time we were 30 or anything like that and I never considered myself a “waiting” Bee. We never discussed rings, we never went and looked at rings and he never asked my friends or family what kind of ring I would like.
We’re both 28 and several of my friends and his friends have gotten engaged over the past couple of years. I’ve looked at rings with my friends and always loved the halo rings (yes, I know they’re trendy) and I was excited for when I could someday go shopping for my own ring. I never told Ben this because the discussion never came up.
That being said, he proposed last month with his grandmother’s ring. In fact, I didn’t even realize he was proposing because it was dark and he was kind of fumbling around. I didn’t really get a chance to see the ring until I got home and it’s nothing like I would have liked. I cannot post a picture of it because he took it back (I’ll get to that part shortly).
For the past month I debated telling him that I wasn’t crazy about the ring. I read post after post on this site especially saying that if you’re going to get married to someone you should be able to have this kind of conversation so over the weekend I finally got up the courage to say something. I brought it up gently. I first asked if his grandmother (who is alive and well) gave him this ring to give to me. He said he asked if she had any rings and she gave him that one. It’s not even her engagement or wedding ring, it is a right hand ring she would occassionally wear. I asked why he would ask her for a ring instead of us going together to get one, since that’s what all our friends did. He said he wanted the proposal to be a surprise (why do men think this??) and that he didn’t think I would care what kind of ring I received.
Again, I was very nice and not accusatory in saying this and I was trying to come off as non-materialistic as possible. I said I have dreamed of going out with my Fi and picking out a ring together and asked if we could do that. He said no. I even said I would be willing to pay for it and Ben said the issue wasn’t money. I asked what the issue was and after a while he said he didn’t think I should have a say in my ring, that it ruins the surprise of the proposal.
I had never seen him so chauvenestic before. We discussed this for nearly an hour with it ending that if I “hate” the ring so much he’ll take it back. I never said I hated it and he said it’s obvious I don’t want to wear it. He walked over to me and literally took it off my finger (it was too big anyway so it wasn’t like he was forceful). Then he left.
So needless to say things have been very rough. I’m not sure if we are even engaged. He left Sunday to go out of town for work and he’s due back tonight. I’ve talked to him a few times on the phone and he’s acting like nothing is wrong. I have asked to discuss this when he comes back and he says there’s nothing to discuss.
Where do I go from here? I don’t want to completely give up on this relationship yet but I feel like he’s giving me no other choice.
Was I wrong in expressing my feelings?