(Closed) I might be being a cow about this.. BUT…(vent, my apologies)

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1102 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like you apologised then and there for what you said, but your brother didn’t, therefore I think he’s the one who owes you (and your mother!) an apology.

I guess you need to decide if you want to continue your relationship with your brother. Your other brother has decided not to have a relationship with him, and you are allowed to do the same if it’s what you need to do. Good luck with it all!

PS If you do decide to continue the relationship, it sounds like weddings are a no-go topic for conversation 🙂

Post # 4
761 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Sorry to hear this. If it were me, I would apologize for my comments that were maybe not worded correctly like you said and leave it up to him if he wants to apologize for lashing out. He should also apologize to your mum but that’s between them. I think sometimes people who have had addiction problems tend to point fingers at others who can have a drink or two and not go crazy. Be thankful for your older brother. He sounds like a great guy to have in your support system.

Post # 6
1980 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I don’t think a single thing that you said was out of line. I think your wording was perfectly appropriate. Your brother obviously has some deep-seated emotional baggage that he is holding on to with your family. You described him as the “black sheep” of your family. He likely knows this and feels constantly reminded of his shortcomings (whether it be references to the event 7 years ago, or his lazyness). I’m not saying that characterizing him as those things isn’t completely warranted, given his history– I’m just saying that your middle brother has picked up on the fact that he is the family outcast. He probably feels that he must “justify” his own wedding to you so that he feels better about his own choices.

I hope that you are able to see that his pattern of behaivor has little to do with you. It sounds like he is a troubled individual who has spent much of his life in turmoil with him family. His choices embarass him, and so he needs to overcompensate for his own wedding “failures” (menu, dress, etc) as a way to answer his own guilt about his life failures.

See what I’m getting at here? You’re going to have a beautiful reception, a beautiful gown, and a beautiful wedding. His wedding was thrown together, last-minute, hurried and chaotic. Your life is stable, supported by your family, and happy. His is tumultuous, and flighty.

He views the weddings as an outward manifestation of your respective lives.

I feel sorry for him– I’m sure you do too. I think you’ve handled yourself very well. And I think you were completely justified in standing up for your mother (go girl!). I have a family member who suffers from mental illness and I choose not to have a relationship with that person. For me, they bring more negativity and sadness into my life than goo. As mountain.bride said, it is up to you to weigh the pros and cons and decide whether you want to continue a relationship with him.

Post # 8
179 posts
Blushing bee

Texaslawgirl hit the nail on the head. She worded everything perfectly.

You’ve already tried to clarify your words and appologized for what you said. What more can you say to him? Nothing you said or did crossed any boundaries. You were honest but also supportive at the same time. There’s no way you could’ve known that he would react that way. Hopefully a little time will heal some wounds and if you feel comfortable you can contact him again.


Post # 9
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

(((HUGS))) No additional words of wisdom from me, just more encouragment that you aren’t in the wrong, and it’s not your job to make him emotionally healthy. Take care of yourself and steer clear of potentially explosive conversations with them in the future.

Post # 11
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I am so annoyed that I missed this post. You probably aren’t even monitoring it anymore but I still want to say my piece. @ccranetobe,you deserve a lot better than that. I know what it’s like to have a cousin who is a drug addict, who pops up now and again asking for help/handouts. You, I’m sure, did an amazing job on their wedding. And if the girl didn’t like it… maybe she shouldn’t have gotten smashed and delegated to her poor in-law (with fab taste, may I add) who had a FRACTURED FOOT. Sheeesh! Not that a broken bone would have stopped your fabulousness, but seriously, what a colossal cow.

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