Post # 1
I always thought I wanted kids…someday. But gradually I think I’ve changed my mind.
I feel like I still want to do more with my career and my life, I feel like I need a bit more time. I know some women manage but the there’s also the following problem.
SO and I have a lot of problems that makes me feel like we either aren’t ready for kids or maybe we just might not be able to add kids into our life ever.
We don’t really agree on many basic things that married couples should by now ie. finance, life style, sex, values, spending time together. AND we have serious issues with communicating. With those two combined it’s a recipe for disaster and arguments. I guess many people in our shoes would have chosen to find someone else instead of getting married but we thought we loved each other and we’d find a way to work things out. But it’s been so much work and not much progress. We are finally going to give counseling a shot (we are hoping to start in May) but I don’t expect things to change overnight.
With all those feelings, I don’t feel secure enough to be a mom. I don’t feel like we’re a team. Many times I feel like it’s me against him. I often feel lonely and neglected and having kids will make me feel lonelier. Sometimes I don’t feel loved by SO. I still feel like I want SO to focus on taking care of just me –instead of “the kids”. I want to feel like we didn’t have enough “us” time yet.
Also I am so afraid of all the pain in being pregnant, hospitals and needles, giving birth, the chances of things going wrong…I don’t feel ready to be a responsible mom and give sacrifices.
I’m already 30 and married for 2 years and people around me keep asking me about kids (not just random people, I mean family and friends). Whenever I tell them I might not want kids they say I’m such a selfish person, or ask why bother to get married if you’re not going to have kids. If I say I’m not ready people just tell me no one ever is or that kids come in and solve all the problems in a marriage.
Is it weird that I’m not sure if I want kids or am I just going through a phase?
PS. My dad keeps telling me I am already old and should hurry up 🙁
Post # 3
You’re not a horrible person for not wanting kids. There are plenty of people, and happy couples, that decide not to have children. As I get older (I’m 32) I find myself becoming more comfortable with the idea of not having kids. If you don’t feel comfortable with it, then don’t let anyone talk you into it. And certainly don’t do it because it’s the norm or what’s expected of married couples.
Post # 4
It doesn’t really sound like you don’t want kids, just not at this point in time. Just wait and see where things go.
But if you decide you don’t want kids, then that’s for you to decide. Whether you want kids or don’t want kids, it’s because that’s what you want, so I don’t think either decision is really selfish and I find those comments to be stupid. To say that a person is selfish to not have kids implies that the kids are a burden, which is sad. Yes you have to give a lot to have kids, but those people wouldn’t have chosen that route if they didn’t think it was worth it. (assuming they wanted kids, and if not, they are hypocrites) We have enough people in this world to not NEED to have kids. It’s not like you’re burdening other people by not having kids.
Post # 5
It’s fine not to have kids. If you are working on your relationship then having kids isn’t going to solve any problems. You are smart to get yourself into a good situation first. Then if you decide to have kids it would be much better, or if you decide not to have kids that’s okay too. There’s a lot of social pressure that you get married and have kids, but it’s just social pressure – don’t do something you don’t want to do.
Post # 6
I’m really glad you & SO are getting counseling…I think talking through all your fears, & getting that support will really help you understand what you want. It’s possible that, after you’ve worked through your problems, you may want kids…it’s equally possible that, after you’ve worked through your problems, you may be 100% sure you DON’T want kids. I think the most important thing to concentrate on is working out your problems & becoming comfortable with yourself & and your relationship with SO. I agree that bringing children into the situation you & SO have right now is NOT a good idea & that planning for (or ‘against’) having a family shoud come AFTER you & SO get to a better place in your relationship.
That being said, in a marriage, the decision to have or not have kids should be a JOINT decision. To give a IRL example, two years ago (when I was 30), I came to the realization that NOT having kids was an option that I might be willing to consider (I’m a teacher & I had just seen 4 co-workers either quit or cut back on their support of students because they were now mothers – not something I want to do). When I mentioned it to Fiance (then just my BF), he sat me down & had a serious heart to heart with me about how he always envisioned having children, so NOT having kids was NOT an option for him. After many weeks of LONG, TEARY, EMOTIONAL conversations (during which OTHER unresolved issues also arose), Fiance & I came to a mutual compromise: kids would still be in the picture, but Fiance would take on the roll of primary care giver & my job as teacher would remain as unchanged as possible. Fiance understood that this meant HE would stay home with kids as infants & toddlers, while doing his work from home; HE would be the first person called & likely to respond should anything happen to or because of our kids at school; HE would be the nuturer & disciplinarian, while I would be the bread-winner. Now, 2 years later, we’re getting married – knowing that we have this issue resolved. (Albeit, in the last two years, I’VE changed & may actually WANT to take on the role of primary care-giver – may have to battle it out with Fiance to see who gets to take it!)
Sorry, didn’t mean to hijack the thread – just wanted to show you that working through issues can work out (& your end result may be COMPLETELY different from mine). Good luck with the counseling, and we’ll all be here to listen while you go through it!
Post # 7
You are not a horrible person. You are not a selfish person. To me, the definition of selfish is to bring a child into the world that a) you’re not sure you want/are ready to commit to, and b) in order to please other people (like your friends and family). That isn’t fair to the kid.
You sound like someone who is unsure about wanting to have children and, instead of getting pregnant and seeing how it goes hoping your feelings will change, you’re thinking honestly and critically analyzing the decision. I think you should be proud of yourself; you’re listening to your internal voice.
I believe that there is never a perfect time to have children…all the boxes aren’t going to be ticked. BUT, the time is NEVER when there are already existing issues in the relationship and one person (or both people) isn’t sure.
This may be a phase; or it may not be. Only time will tell. Go to counselling, figure out your relationship, and revisit the issue if and when you feel more secure and comfortable.
Don’t let other people make you feel bad about your decision. This is INCREDIBLY personal and doesn’t concern anyone other then yourself and your SO.
Post # 8
Choosing whether to have children is between you and your SO. Anyone who judges you for your decision can shut up, as it’s none of their business.
Post # 9
A lot of people in my circle aren’t going to have kids – it’s something they decided with their significant others/spouses. That’s a very normal and accepted thing where I live (very liberal/highly educated). It’s a group of people that are very driven about their careers, and don’t want to sacrifice their life’s work to have kids. Is it selfish? No. Selfish would be hanving kids because you thought you needed to, just to keep yourself from feeling guilty. The world is already overpopulated and unsustainable as is – why bring more kids into it if you love you life as is? I want to have kids – but I am 100% supprtive of my friends who don’t!
Post # 10
Thanks for all the comments:)
A lot if my friends are at the stage of settling down and having kids (some already at kid number 2 or 3) so I guess it is kind of expected as a norm.
One of my friend’s marriage was going downhill and they were almost divorcing but she found out she was pregnant. A year goes by and they are still together and with the baby, the situation kind of forced them to team up. Other people have told me something similar that when the baby comes you learn to team up and look past your other problems because you have something bigger in your life now. I don’t want to take it for granted that it can just magically happen though.
@rachel, @redherring, @crazyfish I agree kids or not should be between me and SO. It’s easy to ignore what my friends say but the hardest part is my dad. He really wants me to have a baby. He doesn’t think a family can be complete without kids.
@jsls, @rachelss, @ mspascua, I feel like I shouldn’t have waited so long to seek help but we always thought we could work things out and everything would fall into place on it’s own. I do hope it’s more about I’m not ready YET. Also if I evetually decide I don’t want kids I hope my SO won’t be disappointed. We didn’t talk much about kids before we got married. SO always said he’d like to have kids but it’s not a must. I don’t know if he has changed his mind about that.
I know that if we have kids I will have to be the primary care giver, in a way I don’t feel ready because it seems like the kids will be my “job” and I won’t have help. I feel so much pressure.
@arwen, I’ve heard many say that there is never a perfect timing could life will get in the way of everything. So it happens when you make it happen. I don’t know if the feeling of “wanting a baby” or “commitment” comes automatically with the baby or not because I don’t feel that yet at all.
Post # 11
I think it is far more selfish to have children just because than it is to chose not to.
Post # 12
your not selfish… i know a lot of couples that dont have kids and dont want to have kids. i didnt wanted to have kids but i got pregnant by surprise and my daghter change my mind but that is us… she is already 7 and we dont want more kids but people keep asking us why we only have one… make your own decisions and if you dont have kids that is ok
Post # 13
Why would you end up being the primary caregiver if your fiance is the one that is really pushing for children? I think ms. pascua’s solution is an excellent one. It really bothers me when its assumed that women/mothers should/will assume the majority of responsibilities when raising children. The division of labor when it comes to the family should be made by each couple with the interests of each party considered.
It is not selfish to not want children.
Post # 14
Good for you for being able to have your thoughts in such an order where you can say so.
I don’t think it’s selfish at all not to want kids. I think it’s wrong to have them expecting them to fix a problem in your relationship, or because you’re “supposed to” or anything along those lines.
When I was younger, I always, always wanted children. Right now (24) I can’t definitively say “not ever”, but I can say “not NOW”. Some of my reasons are selfish. I’m not ready to give up my late nights playing Scrabble in bed with Fiance, or sleeping in on Saturdays, or running off for a Sunday morning movie or bike ride. I just want some more time for just US.
And even though we’re not married yet, we’ve lived together for two years, and yes, people ask when we’re going to have children. He’s 10 years older than I am, so they say “you know, (FI) doesn’t have forever!”
I asked him the other day how he felt about this, and he said “We can wait as long as you want.” (He has a son from his previous relationship) “And if you never want them, we’ll get a dog.”
I think it’s true that you’re not wholly ready until you have them, but you know better than anyone if your ducks aren’t in a row yet, and it sounds like they aren’t.
And if it’s never, you can find another way to spend your life. And you’re no better or worse than anyone else, just perhaps smarter than some for knowing that you’re not in that place. <3
Post # 15
I’m not going to type out a long response since you have so many, but I just wanted to say that I don’t think you’re a horrible person at all. I’d be more inclined to say that you’re smart and mature for actually taking the time to evaluate what you want and where you are in your marriage instead of just jumping in and having a kid. So good for you.
Post # 16
You’re not a terrible person at all. You seem so very self aware, which is a wonderful thing. Listening to your internal voice on issues like this is so much more important than listening to anyone else or bending to social pressure. It sounds like now is that time to work on your relationship. I hope that counseling will be very helpful for you and SO. When you do go in for that first session, don’t forget that you don’t owe your counselor anything, so if the first one you see doesn’t seem like the right one, find someone you are more comfortable with. To be frank, I am so impressed with your level of self awareness. Not many people are so clear about their feelings and I think you should feel great about that. Best of luck to you!