(Closed) I misunderstood….badly….*tears*

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Breaks are generally a bad thing, have you taken the time to sit down and let him know exactly how you feel?

Post # 4
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

So have you broken up a lot? I could see how that would contribute to intimacy issues and make him reluctant to enter a permanent relationship– I’d want a long time of happy, healthy dating before I became engaged. 

I really don’t see how taking a break will help him feel more secure.

Post # 6
Member
1614 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

So in one breath, you’re excited about getting engaged, and then you’re thinking about breaking up with the same guy??? Isn’t he the man of your dreams, and the man you want to father your children, and you want to spend the rest of your life with him? So what if you have to wait 3 lousy years? Why would that automatically be grounds from breaking up? I’d wait forever for my fiance, and if he loved me and wanted to be with me, and was happy living together but was reluctant in regards to marriage, I’d be ok with that too! I sure hope I’m missunderstanding you! =( ….plus if you have issues in the bedroom, and that is something way high up on your rictor scale, do you really want to marry him in the first place???

Post # 7
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Sorry, just to clarify, when you wrote “He hasn’t ruled out us getting engaged entirely, but he said I definitely should be assuming that we’re going to get engaged” should it say “I definitely shouldn’t be assuming”? Because the tone of the post suggests that there’s a typo. But if there isn’t, and he really said you should be assuming you’ll get engaged, it sounds promising. If it is a typo and he said you shouldn’t assume you will get engaged, you should consider moving on. Sounds like you’re not happy with his approach to marriage and intimacy at all, and that’s a big  issue to overcome. Every woman deserves a guy who has no doubt that he wants to be with her forever. If after 3 years he’s got nothing but doubts, you deserve more.

Edit: Don’t “take a break” unless you’re ready to break up. No one wins when you play games like that. You should look at 2 options: laying your feelings out on the table and seeing what he has to say (he may want to work it out if he knows you’re considering ending it), or breaking up with a guy you’re not that happy with and moving on completely. 

Post # 8
Member
4324 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@victoria1990:  If he doesn’t contact you for long stretches of time, that’s telling you that he’s not committed to you in the way that you’d hope for. I think it might do you some good to align yourself with someone with similar goals for their future.

Post # 9
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

From what you said about him going off the grid for ten days at a time, I think you need to consider a break.  That is completely unacceptable, and I think that he’s not going to get any closer to being ready for marriage in the near future.  I get that you want to get married, but if you’re not married to the right person it won’t be like you imagine it.  I think a break is a good idea so you can think about your priorities and what you want from a relationship.  Because you sound unhappy and like he’s not giving you what you need to stay in it.

Post # 11
Member
4324 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@victoria1990:  And that’s the kind of man you deserve. If he doesn’t meet those standards, it’s time to go.

By the way, how long have you been with this guy, and how old is he?

Post # 12
Member
1543 posts
Bumble bee

@victoria1990:  Well then I think you’ve basically answered your own question, here. He doesn’t want to marry anyone, ever. You do. No bueno.

Post # 13
Member
625 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Short story about “taking a break”

I once wanted to “take a break” with my SO. I wimped out of it, and decided to stay. Ended up not being able to take it anymore, and fully broke up with him a few months later.

A few weeks later, I looked back and really wished that I had just taken that “break”, because maybe it would have saved us in the long run.

A few years later, I realized that leaving him was the right thing to do, because he wasn’t what I wanted, and I ended up marrying the guy of my dreams.

That may or may not be relateable to your situation, just thought I’d share.

On another note, it’s up to where you can see your life going. If you could theoretically be OK in a commited relationship that is essentially marriage without the name “marriage” attached, which he MAY be willing to do in the future, then maybe you could stick it out. If you REALLY want marriage, then after 3 years of him saying he doesnt want it, then you’re not compatible in a major way. Plus him not calling for days at a time after three years would be a HUGE HUGE HUGE red flag for me.

Post # 16
Member
4324 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@victoria1990:  yeah… I thought perhaps he needed to mature a little. But he’s old enough to know what he wants and what he doesn’t.

The topic ‘I misunderstood….badly….*tears*’ is closed to new replies.

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