Post # 1
Hi, I’m new to post, but have been lurking around for awhile. I’m so happy I found this place 🙂
So, my bf and I have been dating for 4 years, bought a house together last year (but we’ve been living together since 8 months into the relationship), we have 2 cars and a joint bank account. About a year and a half ago (2.5 years into), I started bringing up the idea of maybe getting married, to which I met little resistance, but also seemingly little interest. OK, so whatever – I don’t make a big deal about it then.
Fast forward a couple of months and Boyfriend or Best Friend drops a bomb that really good friends of ours just got engaged, and they had only been together for less than a year! I’m super hurt by this and Boyfriend or Best Friend knows because we both know they have a relationship based on lies, yet there’s no shortage of love there… So whatever, I get over this too. Then all our other friends get engaged and they’ve all been together for less time than us. By now, I’m really starting to analyze what is wrong with me – why am I not worth as much as my guy? What, after 4 years, makes him still not sure that he wants to be with me?? He says he wants to marry me, but financially he’s strapped…
Anyway, yesterday we get into a big fight. I tell him that I’d like to talk about our future and I want to know if we’re on the same page. He clams up, like he always does when we’re talking, and says that he doesn’t want to keep rehashing the same issue. (But we haven’t rehashed anything – we’ve never actually fully talked about and resolved this.) I know he doesn’t like to talk about his feelings – and I can usually tell what’s going on with him anyway – but this time, I actually need to hear something. (I should say too that it wasn’t really a fight – just a deep conversation where I started to cry and he said he didn’t want to deal with us like this…) I went to bed crying, but he put his arms around me and told me that he loved me…We were in limbo and this morning and agreed to talk later tonight when we both get home, but I have this really heavy feeling in my chest. I feel like I’m pushing him away and that’s the last thing I want to do. I just want to hear him say something that will make me want to continue to wait for him…
I dunno – am I missing something here??
Post # 3
He’s comfortable. You have a home, you share your money. He gets all the benefits of a wife without having to actually commit.
I live by the motto, “what’s mine is mine, what’s yours is yours and when we commit (marriage) then we can blend” (Not saying that everyone should be that way!)
I just think that most guys are scared of that piece of paper, that women so desperately want. lol (crazy isn’t it?)
Stay calm. Guys don’t like crying lol they don’t know what to do with it. Calmly, ask him if he sees a future with you. And in the near future you see yourself married. If he is unsure (which I doubt because you bought a house! That’s no small item!) then maybe split your money. Go out with friends more. Don’t be too available to him. Tell him there are more tax breaks for married couples lol!!
That’s a tough and stinky situation but I hope your talk works out well!
Post # 4
are you two maybe just not seeing eye-to-eye on what “getting married” really means? maybe he thinks you’re going to want a gigantic elaborate wedding and he can’t afford it and doesn’t want to spend the money on. maybe he hates being the center of attention. maybe he just wants to go to the courthouse and “knows” you’re not going to like that, so is trying to avoid the issue altogether?
all i can say is, if he wants to go ahead and talk tonight, take advantage of that. asking why he feels the way he does (or just asking how it is that he feels) isn’t pushing him away. you both need to know what page the other is on if you hope to be on the same one. (((HUGS))) i hope it works out.
Post # 5
@lammym: Yes, you are. This discussion should have happened long before the house buying, bank account, lives completely merging, etc. That being said, you need to find out now rather than later what his plans are. Maybe he never had marriage in his plans. I know that may not be the case, but for your sake, since you sound like you DO care about getting married, finding out sooner than later will definitely be crucial in helping you decide what’s next.
Post # 6
Thanks for the advice ladies! With regard to “getting married”, we’ve actually talked about it the “wedding” aspect. We both want to elope, not far away, and it would be dirt cheap. We’ve talked about it on a few occasions and he seemed to be having fun with it (the conversations), but after last night, he asked me “Would you even want to get married still?” with a tone like he’s having second thoughts…
He asked me this morning to please come home tonight and even texted me during the day saying “I hope you don’t worry too much about this hun”. But then follows it up by saying that he hopes we sort things out, yet he’s not guaranteeing anything…. I don’t get it!
Post # 7
@lammym: I just skipped over all the comments because I’m lazy so if this has been said before or seems like it’s piling on, forgive me.
It sounds to me (and I don’t know your relationship fully so I can’t say) that he’s trying to have his cake and eat it too. You already have all these things combined together, you’re biting your tongue, and he thinks ‘eh, why get married?’. It’s that oh so hated (by me) expression of why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. I don’t think it’s always true, but for some men it is. Whatever–honestly, this isn’t about your “worth”, you are “worth” a man putting a ring on your finger whether you live together or not.
What bothers me is his reaction to you being upset. Telling you he doesn’t want to rehash something that you haven’t really spoken about or that he can’t “deal with” your crying is a cop out usually used by men to side-step real issues. They put us on the defensive so that we can no longer focus on what’s important and have to defend our emotions. This is wrong.
The only other advice I can give you is to go visit the waiting boards and read through some of the posts. Those particular bees have a lot of experience and advice with this sort of issue. Good luck and keep us posted.