(Closed) I must be missing something….(long)

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
1231 posts
Bumble bee

He’s comfortable. You have a home, you share your money. He gets all the benefits of a wife without having to actually commit.

I live by the motto, “what’s mine is mine, what’s yours is yours and when we commit (marriage) then we can blend” (Not saying that everyone should be that way!)

I just think that most guys are scared of that piece of paper, that women so desperately want. lol (crazy isn’t it?)

Stay calm. Guys don’t like crying lol they don’t know what to do with it. Calmly, ask him if he sees a future with you. And in the near future you see yourself married. If he is unsure (which I doubt because you bought a house! That’s no small item!) then maybe split your money. Go out with friends more. Don’t be too available to him. Tell him there are more tax breaks for married couples lol!!

That’s a tough and stinky situation but I hope your talk works out well!

Post # 4
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

are you two maybe just not seeing eye-to-eye on what “getting married” really means?  maybe he thinks you’re going to want a gigantic elaborate wedding and he can’t afford it and doesn’t want to spend the money on.  maybe he hates being the center of attention.  maybe he just wants to go to the courthouse and “knows” you’re not going to like that, so is trying to avoid the issue altogether?

all i can say is, if he wants to go ahead and talk tonight, take advantage of that.  asking why he feels the way he does (or just asking how it is that he feels) isn’t pushing him away.  you both need to know what page the other is on if you hope to be on the same one.  (((HUGS)))  i hope it works out.

Post # 5
4311 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@lammym: Yes, you are.  This discussion should have happened long before the house buying, bank account, lives completely merging, etc.  That being said, you need to find out now rather than later what his plans are.  Maybe he never had marriage in his plans.  I know that may not be the case, but for your sake, since you sound like you DO care about getting married, finding out sooner than later will definitely be crucial in helping you decide what’s next.

Post # 7
390 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@lammym: I just skipped over all the comments because I’m lazy so if this has been said before or seems like it’s piling on, forgive me.

It sounds to me (and I don’t know your relationship fully so I can’t say) that he’s trying to have his cake and eat it too. You already have all these things combined together, you’re biting your tongue, and he thinks ‘eh, why get married?’. It’s that oh so hated (by me) expression of why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. I don’t think it’s always true, but for some men it is. Whatever–honestly, this isn’t about your “worth”, you are “worth” a man putting a ring on your finger whether you live together or not.

What bothers me is his reaction to you being upset. Telling you he doesn’t want to rehash something that you haven’t really spoken about or that he can’t “deal with” your crying is a cop out usually used by men to side-step real issues. They put us on the defensive so that we can no longer focus on what’s important and have to defend our emotions. This is wrong.

The only other advice I can give you is to go visit the waiting boards and read through some of the posts. Those particular bees have a lot of experience and advice with this sort of issue. Good luck and keep us posted.

The topic ‘I must be missing something….(long)’ is closed to new replies.

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