(Closed) I NEED ADVICE!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2654 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@SunandStars:  Quick tip…next time, break up the text into more paragraphs because it’s difficult to read it all as one big chunk like the last paragraph. 

I’m sorry you’re going through a difficult time. Unfortunately, the only thing I can say here is that even if you believe she’s the one, it seems clear to me from your post that she probably isn’t. You two may get along really well when together, but if the things you want to do together are always so different, that will put a strain on the relationship. Also, I know you just care about her and her safety, but asking her to constantly check in with you like that is a bit much. That should just be a conversation asking her to remember to lock the foor.

If she’s not ready to be in a super serious relationship, there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s not what you want to hear, and it really stinks and hurts, but that’s the unfortunate truth. 

Post # 5
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You sound way super intense and controlling. Why aren’t you going out with her and with her friends? Or go out with all the couples you know? Also get a new shift. You hardly see each other- how can you know her? 

Honestly it sounds like she doesn’t want to be in the crazy serious relationship you want. You can’t force it. I’m recently married and we’ve always let each other know what we were up to because we tell each other everything. However- if my husband had demanded to know where I was it would have been game over. The door is a red herring. We keep each other in each others’ lives because it feels right. You only have one day together and she still feels suffocated. 

Post # 6
Member
4326 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My husband and I get one day off together a week, too, so I get the idea that it’s “our day.” However, we sometimes spend the whole day just the two of us, sometimes we spend it with mutual friends, and sometimes we’ll do different things because we’re in different moods. That’s okay, as long as you talk about it.

It sounds like you are in different places in your life – she is looking for fun and adventures and you are looking to marry and settle down.  If she’s not ready for that, that’s okay. I know you are looking for a serious, long-term relationship, but you can’t force it. And btw – moving in together is not a precursor to marriage for everybody.  Did you talk about where you see this relationship going?

Post # 7
Member
8461 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@SunandStars:  *HUGS* Sorry you’re going through this, but I’ve actually been in her position before.  I’m not sure where you are located, but I grew up in SoCal and rent is really expensive.  I lived with my previous BFs because it made sense financially.  I wasn’t looking to settle down or marry them, it was just the relationship I was in at the time.  Unfortunately, I don’t think she wants to settle down yet, whereas you do.  You need to talk to her about your expectations of this relationship, if the two of you are not in agreement, it may be time to end it.  I know that’s not what you want to hear, but it’s better to find out now and move on if you have to.  Best of luck! 

 

(Wall of Text crits for 31065464031321)

Post # 8
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@SunandStars:  it sounds like you guys are at 2 different places in your lives. I think it is time for you to move on. spend a weekend letting yourself feel like shit, watch crappy movies, be heart broken. and then when that weekend is over get your life together and move on. Break ups are really hard, but she doesn’t want the same things as you. Whenever there is a breakup the people involved always think it is the end of the world and things will never get better, but they will. one day you will find someone who wants the same things as you, she just is not that person. you cannot make someone want the same things as you, no matter how hard you try. You need to find someone who is over the partying stages of their life. someone who wants to spend that day off with you, and if they want to go out its to dinner and drinks with another couple, not crazy partying with girlfriends.

 

before i met my fiance i was dating a guy who would go out all the time and never invite me, or say where he was. id get drunk calls in the middle of the night to pick him up, we never did anything together unless it was just me spending the night at his place. i decided i was going to move out of state because i couldn’t afford to livethere anymore, so my ultimatum was we either got more serious and moved in together or i was moving to NC, and he let me go! and at first i was so heartbroken but then i realized we did not want them same things.. then i met my fiance

 

me and my fiance are both of saturday and sundays and we spend the whole weekend together, if we go out its almost always together. if it is seperate we tell eachother where we will be incase anything happens, and i dont view that as controling that is love. I also have fridays off and he doesn’t so that is my day to do my thing.and this works because we both want the same thing…

 

you will find the right person just give it time!

 

Post # 9
Member
9648 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@SunandStars:   Sorry you’re going through all this, I know it’s really tough.  My advice is to give her some space right now and don’t make any important decisions when you’re both emotionally upset.  Chances are if you back off and give her some breathing room she’ll come to you on her own to talk to you. 

Stay calm, take a deep breath and realize you don’t have to have a relationship to be a whole person.  Focus on yourself and doing some healthy things for you that make you happy.  That’s all you can do.  You can’t control another person.  Women especially are sensitive to being overly controlled.  It’s not healthy for either of you and it will only cause her to run away from you. 

Confidence in yourself as a man and containing your emotions will be more attractive to her than what you’re doing now

I wish you all the best.

Post # 10
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m sure you are a really nice guy and that your heart is in the right place, but I have to admit that even I felt a bit “claustrophobic” reading this description of your relationship. 

 

I wouldn’t say that you sound CONTROLLING; I would say that you sound CLINGY, and I know that, for me, that is an instant turn-off and red flag. It’s super important that both people in a relationship have an established and meaningful life OUTSIDE of the relationship.

 

What do you do for JUST you? What are your interests outside of her and the relationship? Do you have friends outside of her? Do you hang out with friends outside of her?

 

All of these things are terribly important because 2 people just can’t be together and all about one another 100% of the time. Also, when you have nothing outside of your relationship that makes you feel fulfilled, then the natural ups and downs of a relationship become a LOT more intense.

 

For example, my Fiance and I are buying a house, and there’s a lot of stress going on, and sometimes being together in the same room = stress and snappyness on my part. It’s ok, though, because I have friends I can talk to, and I have other activities (horseback riding and Weight Watchers) that are 100% about me, and those keep me feeling fulfilled to balance out the stress at home for the time being.

 

It’s just so important that a relationship NOT be the only fulfilling thing in your life and that you know who you are and are fulfilling yourself before ever entering into a serious, marriage-minded relationship.

Post # 11
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@SunandStars:  This is what I think. If you really truly believe that you are meant to be together, then I think you need to do whatever it is in your power to save this relationship. Is it possible to find another job, or change around your shifts so that you can spend more time with her at home? I think that’s the big issue. If you both had jobs with normal hours, you would be home roughly the same time every day and have more time with each other. 

Also, maybe you can go out with her and her friends? Or maybe you can talk to her and work out some sort of compromise. One week she stays home with you, the other she goes out with her friends?

However, if she doesn’t want to continue the relationship, then there may not be much to do. But if you’re both still willing to give things a try, I think you need to fight for it.

The topic ‘I NEED ADVICE!’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors