- 5 years ago
I’ll forwarn anyone who is reading this that I have never been the best at summarizing anything. I’m going to try my best.
From the moment I had my heart broken for the first time I felt like my world was ending. Of course I was only 17 but naturally I felt like I was an adult. My mother would tell me not to worry, “You’ll find the right person when you aren’t looking and when you least expect it.” I was with my first heart breaker for close to 5 years. Off an on, once with a year or so in between. When we finally stopped seeing each other completely, I fell into depression. I think I stayed inside of my house for about a year… the economy was bad, couldnt find a job, I had about $200 dollars to my name, heartbroken and still living at my mom’s house. In that year, i used my last $200 to buy a guitar and teach myself how to play. Not because I intended to continue to cry and write sappy love songs about how much I hated life or how my ex girlfriend smelled amazing. ANYWAYS at that point in my life finding someone else wasn’t on the top of my list of things to do. Even if I did try and find someone who’s going to find me appealing? I have no job. No money. I live at Mom’s house. I haven’t left the house in a year. God knows how i smell to other people. But… I have a guitar! The only girls I could attract at that point were ones I’d go to jail for talking to. Needless to say I felt helpless. I thought I’d never find anyone again. Nor did I want to try. I was exhausted from truly having a broken heart. Finally I made the decision to get my ass out of the house and really start turning my life around. Pretty soon the economy came back ever so slightly and i found a job. I kept applying and found another one. And another one! I was working 3 jobs. (i have a tendency to go “balls to the wall” when I decide to do something.) So now I have 3 jobs, no girlfriend still, a lot more money than I had before and no life outside of work! After a year of working 3 jobs I decided to take a vacation. Reward myself. I felt great. I was getting out and meeting new people, finally had work and I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself anymore. I kept telling myself you need to find someone to be with. Have another relationship. Don’t psych yourself out because the first real one that you had didnt work out. (Although now I know highschool relationships aren’t real ones. Well, I take that back they are real. A real pain in the A#&) I started going out and trying to talk to girls again. Funny thing is, I always had girls my age talking to me but I wasn’t interested in any of them. I’ve always had this notion that I HAVE TO FIND HER. I have to find the woman of my dreams. When i see her and I meet her, I’ll know, boy will i know. By The Way at this point in my story I’m 21. Not going to college like the rest of my friends. Just working and trying to meet people… and still living at moms. I’m not unattractive, I promise you. I’m actually quite good looking not to sound cocky but I have been told all my life that I am so I figure it must be true!
Anyways, I would go out and meet all these girls, talk to them, try to get to know them blah blah blah. I was the only one of my guy friends that would get angry when another said, “Hey, you wanna go to the bar and find some P#$$!? I was never that guy. I dont do one night stands. My parents never stuck together and it’s my goal to have a quality relationship. At this point dating had become a chore. I felt like I had lost my ability to communicate with women. In reality, I wasn’t the average 21 year old guy and all the girls my age I couldn’t stand because they were too busy talking about what Miley Cyrus was doing. You heard me right, 21 year old women adoring Miley Cyrus as much as the next 10 year old. Disgust. I began thinking THERES NO OLD FASHIONED WOMEN OUT THERE ANYMORE. Where holding a door for them could win their heart! They do exist but they could all be my mother! I’m very old fashioned. I believe in respecting ones body and the sanctity of marriage! I’ve just been trying to find someone who feels the same! Here I am getting off topic…. So I dated a few girls which lasted no longer than a month or two if that. I stopped looking again. I gave up. I had enough. I love women don’t get me wrong. You are all beautiful beings…. but you all suck! (Atleast that’t what I thought then) 2 years later at 23 I went out after work. At this point I had a steady job helping run a business, a brand new car and saving up to finally get out of mom’s house. I met a girl. Originally I met her, thought she was really cool. But I had been so numb to the idea of trying to have a conversation with someone long enough to tell whether they were a real person or just another shell my generation has to offer that I didn’t think twice of her. I went out again the next week or so after work and someone came up to me asking me if I remembered the girl who was there the week before. I didn’t haha. Then they explained exactly when and what table she was at so forth and so on. I remembered who she was. Then they said she was asking about me and whether or not I was single. I asked them, ” What did you say? ” She responded with ” I told her I didn’t think you were single.” I said, “WHAT?! Why the hell would you tell her that?! Of COURSE I’m single!” So long story short I made sure she got my number. We started to hang out and I really really really liked her. She was beautiful, smart, everything I any guy could ever ask for. Mom, you were right! This one’s a keeper. I started feeling all mushy and excited over the smallest things because they involved her. The girl of my dreams I tell ya. Yet I’m still skeptical. I didn’t want to get hurt again. I wasnt sure if being in a relationship was really what I still wanted. Then i thought about how if I never try I’ll never know. I really like her and everything about her why the heck not? So I mustered up the courage to ask her if she would be my girlfriend. She said yes! My first REAL girlfriend and she’s perfect! We got along so well that we moved kind of fast without even knowing it. We started planning stuff together taht just felt natural. Like I had found my soulmate. She was successful. Just graduated from college and had a really good job. I had a steady job running the business but they didn’t pay me nearly what they should have for what I was doing. So I decided to apply where she worked in a different department and different shift. She had talked about moving closer to work because what she was spending in gas every month was enough to get an apartment. Unfortunately all the places to live weren’t in the best area. Atleast all the affordable places. So I didn’t want her moving by herself and the fact that I would be so far away from her. So we thought about it and talked about it and decided that we would get a place together. So not only do I have the girl of my dreams but we’re starting a home! “We are nesting!” she’d say in excitement. We get moved in and things are going well at my new job. Originally I tried to get the same shift so we would have a lot of time off to spend with each other but I could only get 2nd shift. She was working 3rd because of the shift differential so we were a bunch of night owls. We looked on the bright side because everyone said we’d get along great because we wont ever see each other! No time to argue, cherish every moment! Well that didn’t happen. We only share one day off together and I liked to call it our day. I wanted to take full advantage of the one day that I had to spend all day with her. I had the day before to myself and she had the day after based on our schedules. Well pretty soon our day was taken up by her friends. Her desire to go out drinking and having a good time. She was only a year younger than me and I never went to college but i still partied my butt off yet it was out of my system. I kept forgetting that she hadn’t gotten it out of her system even though she graduated from college. (She probably did way more partying than me) Anyways I started getting angry because I wasn’t comfortable with her going out in the area with her friend and drinking on our nights and how i just wanted to spend time with her. I wanted to make her dinner and maybe go out with her to get some drinks. Or do ANYTHING with her it didnt matter because it was out one day. I felt like she wanted to be with her friends more than me. So I told her how i felt and she freaked out. Saying that she’s not going to stop hanging out with her friends because I want to keep her all to myself. I told her that was ridiculous to think that, I just want the nights that we agree are our nights to stay our nights. She said well I didn’t expect to do this or expect to do that we just decided to go here or there. Well I told her I’d just appreciate it if you let me know where you plan on going. Because I love you and care about you and want to know where you are. And because of the area we lived in I wanted her to tell me if she was going out while i was at work. Not because I wanted to stalk her and keep tabs on her but because she had a horrible tendency to not lock our doors. And I wanted to be able to remind her to lock them so someone doesnt come in and rape her or something or take all our stuff. Well she told me she can’t stand me being like a parent. That she doesnt need a parent. That her parents didnt even keep tabs on her like I do. Then I made the mistake after being so enraged to tell her maybe your parents werent very good parents then. I didn’t mean it. I had just become so exhausted with trying to get her to understand why I came across as so controlling. That I did trust her. I just didnt trust other people. I cared about her safety and everything else. She told me not to worry about her and that she can handle herself. I told her how can you tell me to not worry about the woman that i love? She said I don’t think this is going to work out. I said I dont think so either. Then after I calmed down I realized how much I did want it to work. She was the girl that I had committed everything to. We just got a place in both our names… I changed jobs for a better opportunity and to make enough to provide for us and to make sure shes safe and she says that… I went all day telling myself I wouldnt talk to her. I WILL NOT TALK TO HER. Naturally, I ended up talking to her. I told her how I wanted it to work. That I loved her and I didnt mean what I said. Mind you, we had been having arguments in the passed that went exactly like this…. I’d say something I didn’t mean because she would insult me and make attacks at me for saying how I felt. EX: I feel like you do more for your friends than you do for me. Or you’d rather get drunk with your friends then sit down and have dinner.” Then she’d say something like ” I’m not going to tell my friends I can’t hang out with them because you’re too insecure to let me have fun” Then I’d get extremely angry and go off about stuff I didn’t mean. And all this would start for stating my feelings. I wouldnt attack her I just wanted to understand why I didn’t have a bigger part in her life considering we just started a home together! Is that so unreasonable? Anyways this last argument happened yesterday. My name just cleared on the lease earlier this week. We just bought a $300 christmas tree I didnt even want because she wanted to make it a home and because “we’ll have it for a really long time” Today i got a text message when I got home from work and she was at work saying that She shouldnt have let it get this far. We are going to continue to argue. I cant change you, you cant change me. I want to go out and dress “nice” and go clubbing with my friends and get wasted and party. Because I havent gotten it out of my system yet. And I want to travel the world. And I dont want to be stuck doing the same thing everyday yet. I’m sorry. All this after last week I was convinced that she was the one for me. I was looking at engagement rings because things were going so well between us…. now I’m lost. even more heartbroken than before. And I want to save this relationship STILL as stupid as it sounds I do. I know I want to be with her. Atleast I did yesterday. Today idk what brought it on… she talked to me like I didnt matter. Like she’d been planning this and just didnt have the courage to tell me so just led me on…. I don’t know what the hell to do. I just got this apartment and we’ve been splitting rent and I cant afford this place on my own with a brand new car. And I dont know how to save a relationship I didn’t think needed saving until about 2 hours ago. I was going to ask her to marry me. And now I feel like a fool.