(Closed) I need advice, and mostly just to let it out

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Im interested to see what other girls will say…sorry i can not be of any help. I was like this (THE EXACT same situation) but my “chris” got married last summer so the feelings kind of died down. I think about him alot though and am even contemplating inviting him and his wife to the wedding.

 

Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
3575 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Yikes.  What a situation to find yourself in.  Personally, I wouldn’t risk seeing ‘Chris.’  Would you act on it?  Sacrifice everything you have with your Fiance…potentially.  Try to reverse the scenario and think of this as your Fiance and a childhood friend of his.  What if your Fiance was in this predicament.  How would that make you feel?  Even if nothing even happened?

 

Post # 5
Member
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I think that you may find that actually seeing him may help get rid of these feelings!  There was a guy like this for me in high school and a few years back (before my partner) I heard that he had broken up with his long time girlfriend.  I started getting all the old feelings back etc – then I met up with him.  After an hour, all of those feelings were totally gone!  He was very different than I remembered, and I had just built him up in my head during the years we hadn’t seen each other. 

Not saying that’s what’s going to happen, but I’ve heard a variation of that story from a few other women so it isn’t just me!  Just keep it in mind – good luck with whatever you decide to do!

Post # 6
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

The grass is always greener on the other side- until you realize they’re using fertilizer- aka they are full of shit!!

I don’t think that the “what could be” will ever live up to the “what actually is.” It’s hard to not think about a potential relationship that is totally perfect on paper. Just breath, and take a long look at your Fiance and realize that those hugs and kisses you get from him you wouldn’t want to get from anyone else. It’s hard, you might even cry out of guilt for your feelings which will confuse you even more. However that being said; are you planning on telling your Fiance that you’re meeting with him? If not then you might want to rethink it because that’s bad news…

Post # 7
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I have been in your situation – sorta.  Although my SO & I are not engaged, we live together, built a house together, picked out a ring & date. 

2 years ago, after a year of dating my SO, I met a guy I was extremely attracted to.  Things never got physical while I was with my SO but definately “flirty.”  I finally realized even though I hadn’t cheated on my SO physically, I was emotionally & we broke up.  The “other” guy & I took the flirting a step forward & started hanging out.  He was gorgeous, the guy I always though I would end up marrying, but he was immature & had a lot of qualities that I didn’t like.  Eventually we ended things & I got back together with SO after realizing I really did love him.  I think I just needed a little time apart from him to realize how good I really did have it.

The “other” guy would constantly text me, talk to me when I saw him & phone me telling me how much he liked me & that he wanted things to work out between us.  I told him several times I was happy & to just leave me alone.  After months of this he did leave me alone & now has started dating another girl.

The other night I woke up from a dream where I was dating the “other” guy & I woke up being so happy & in the dream everything was perfect.  For the past couple days I have been stressing about this & what my dream meant.  I have not stopped thinking about the “other” guy. 

I feel your pain.  I am scared – what if I marry my SO & it doesn’t work out.  I know I love him, I am happy but the What if’s are killing me……

I think your (and my) best option is to stay away from Chris & “the other” guy.  I think if I just don’t see him, speak to him etc. I will be okay & get back on track. 

 

Post # 8
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

To me, from what you stated, it doesn’t seem like your Fiance is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Based on what you have stated, I would suggest that you break up with your Fiance and, if you want, see about getting together with the other guy. You run the risk of it not working out with the other guy and being left with no guy, but it would be way better than being in an unhappy marraige and always wondering what would have happened. Just remember that sometimes what you imagine with one person could be something totally different from your vision. The grass isn’t always greener on the otherside.

Post # 9
Member
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I would say dont see him, even if nothing happens, its just not a good situation. How would you feel if your Fiance met up with a girl that everyone said he would marry and he was having crush like feelings on? It would really hurt me and I dont know how I would feel about going forward with the engagement.

I dont know, think about your Fiance, its not just about you and your feelings. Maybe instead of seeing him alone, you could invite him to dinner with you and your Fiance to catch up. I just dont think its appropriate to do it alone.

And just for the record, Im not saying you cant have guy friends because I have plenty but I dont have any of these type of feelings towards them, just sayin…

Post # 10
Member
4162 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

 

Post # 11
Member
4162 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011
Post # 12
Member
1763 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Warning tough love ahead…

You should not be getting married if you have these feelings for someone else. I think the advice of “stay away and you won’t have and problems” is a little rediculous. You have feeling for someone other than you Fiance, starting a marriage with doubts and feeling for someone else is not the right thing to do. It’s not fair to your Fiance to be married to someone who is not 100% comitted to him.

Post # 13
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Awww! 🙁 First of all. the fact that your Fiance knows that you’re going to hang out with him is huge. It should give you the confidence to go in treating the meeting as a friendship, and a chance for you to gloat about your man. When in doubt, verbalize to “Chris” any little thing about your Fiance that you can… NO NEGATIVES. If you can do that, then you know you are able to maintain the friendship without crossing boundries (I’m talking girl boundries which means when we think we are “emotionally cheating”) So CHIN UP! You are doing well with addressing it. In the long run, life will take you where it will… you cannot help your feelings, but your actions are just as important and you have control over them… right now, a very positive control from what I see…

 

Post # 14
Member
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Are you afraid of committment? Or are you getting nervous about marriage and it being such a big step? Thats not uncommon for even the best couples, its normal to have doubts and to just be scared. It sounds like you really do love your Fiance and that he may be the one for you but youre reverting back to your past where its familiar and comfortable.

Fiance may be ok with yall getting together as old friends but Im sure if he knew all that youre telling us, he may not be. Just really think about it and weigh out the pros and cons. You dont need Chris anymore and you really need to let him go until you get settled with your Fiance and can put aside these feelings youre having. I promise, its just not smart to put yourself in that situation. Itd be different if you were having purely platonic feelings towards him and really did just want to catch up with an old friend, but feeling like this, I just dont know…

Like I said, if you really want to see him, do it in a group situation where its more comfortable and less pressure and youre less inclined to reverting back to friendly/flirty relations (which could be totally innocent but still a little inappropriate and not fair to the FI).

*hugs* I know this isnt easy, just think about you and your Fiance and your relationship with him, he’s so much more important and not worth losing unless you are truly having doubts about your Fiance completely unrelated to Chris and in that case, I still wouldnt go around him but try to figure out what I wanted.

Post # 15
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

i guess you could say ive had a similar situation…my “chris” kind of really ticked me off though… we got to be good friends in high school and eventually dated. i was on the rebound though and we broke up….we didn’t talk for awhile after that but we eventually became friends again. then we dated again. the second time he was on the rebound. we broke up again. a couple months later we started talking again and both agreed at that time that we chose the wrong times to date and that we were better as friends than as a couple. a month after i graduated i went away to the navy. he went to college. we hung out right before i left and sparks were there that night but we didn’t act on them.

while i was in boot camp we wrote letters back and forth and i ended up confessing to him what i felt that last night that we hung out. he did the same. we became very close through our letters. while i had alot of feelings for him i told him that i didn’t want to jump into another relationship (which would have been long distance since i was in the navy) and deprive him of the whole college experience. i dont think he was ready for a long distance relationship either.

 after bootcamp we talked on the phone every week or so. then all of a sudden he just stopped talking to me. wouldn’t answer my phone calls, texts, or emails. come to find out his girlfriend was jealous of our friendship and didn’t let him talk to me. i can understand her being jealous of it because we were close but i wasn’t around i would have never tried to get in between them. thats not how i am. if he would have just told me why he wasn’t talking to me i would have understood. i knew the girl he was dating. he had dated her once before when we were seniors and she was jealous of our friendship then too.

that last night that we hung out before i left he was single and was no longer dating this girl anymore. she got incredibly pissed because he was hanging out with me that night. she even drove by where we were hanging out and when she saw us just sitting there talking there she just floored the car and drove away like a mad woman. both of us were like “eh whatever. we’re not dealing with that drama tonight”

so after he starts dating this girl while he’s in college, fast forward about 3 years. out of the blue i get a friend request from him on myspace. it threw me for a loop. i actually let it sit there for a week before i responded to it. i was very leery about talking to him again because he had hurt me when he just stopped talking to me like i was nothing. i felt like i had nothing to lose. i sent him a message asking him why he had sent the friend request. he gave a very generic answer. “i was looking through our highschool group and saw you so i sent you the friend request.”

lets just say i wasn’t convinced. when i asked why he quit talking to me he then told me that it was because of (lets call her jane) jane. thats when i found out for sure why he wasn’t talking to me. i had a gut feeling that was it but was never positive about it. i told him it hurt me that he just dropped me like that. all he could say was that he was sorry about it.

i began talking to him. i was honestly glad to have my friend back. at that time i was already with my Fiance. i wasn’t interested in anything other than friends. we talked back and forth through myspace for a couple months. i was very cautious at first but i eventually thought it was ok to let him back in my life as a friend. well that came back to bite in the you know what. a couple months later he stopped responding to me again. out of curiosity i actually went and looked at his myspace page. he was back with jane. i was pissed. he had just dropped me again! i didn’t care who was dating. i was hurt that i was being ignored like i was nothing yet again. i over-reacted and sent him a nice little message after that. i deleted him from my friends. two weeks later i felt horrible for sending that message so i sent another one apologizing and explaining why i had sent it and why i had said what i’d said.

this was about 3 years ago now. ive never heard anything from him again. maybe if things had happened differently we would have dated again or simply just remained friends. every once in awhile he pops into my thoughts. he’s there long enough to wonder how hes doing and that i do honestly hope that he’s doing well and that he’s not worth my time and i move on. i guess since hes hurt me a couple times its easier for me to move on. i love my Fiance more than anything in this world. i would never leave him. i think most people have that one person, that from time to time, we wonder what might have happened if things had happened differently.

sorry for the long post. i just thought i’d share my story with you. its good that you’ve been able to stay friends with your “chris”. if you do decide to meet up with him (completely your decision and i dont judge you either way) just be cautious. some people really do make better friends than they do as couples.

Post # 16
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Do not seek out Chris. The idea of Chris is a really nice one, but you don’t know that you guys would actually have a good relationship or that he’s better in any way than your Fiance. The idea of the great love who got away is usually better in fiction than reality. Don’t risk what you have.

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