Post # 1
Hello, Bees. I have a friend who has been TTC with her husband going on a year now. She has PCOS and knew it would be a struggle. For her it is frustraing because every time she goes to the doctor it’s a new issue. I’ve never been one for “touchy feelies” and I never know what to say. She says I’m supportive, but I feel like I could be saying something of more substance than “this sucks,” “I’m sorry” etc etc. She’s doing her potentially last attempt at oral agents for assistance before going to IVF (which she has vocalized over and over she’d really want to avoid). I tend to be very “this is what’s going on, let’s deal”, she’s a little more sensitive (understandably so).
Anything ladies out there with similar issues appreciated hearing/hated hearing from people?
Post # 2
First of all, I think it’s great that you are asking for advice, it really shows what a caring friend you are.
For me, I really find comfort in my friends who just listen to me vent. I’d much rather my friends say something along the lines of “I’m thinking of you!” rather than have them tell me something like “Don’t worry, it’ll happen…just relax”.
The absolute worst day in a TTC cycle is when she starts AF, if you know she’s feeling down, or upset on a particular day, maybe try to do something with her to brighten her day?
Post # 3
Kaites4: I feel like I wrote this post because my best friend is going through the same thing (PCOS and all) and I am in the same position as you.
I am very careful about what I say to her, and even though “I am sorry and this sucks” sound small, sometimes they are the best/safest things to say in my opinion. She is definitely highly sensitive right now and even the smallest things you potentially say can come off wrong to her (even when meant with good intentions). But I mean saying “Its Ok! It will happen! chill!” is obviously the total wrong way to go.
Another thing I do that seems to help when I can’t say much else is really pay attention and ask Qs and understand the process. If she says I have a doctors appointment on Tuesday, on Tuesday I follow up and ask how it went. I read about PCOS and IVF and all that so I can ask her intelligent Qs to show I am listening and remembering what she says. You don’t want to be the friend that says “What is IVF again?” after she’s been talking about it for months. (not saying you do that)
I think doing things with her is also another good thing you can do, go the movies, have a DIY craft and wine night, anything to spend time with her so she can get her mind off things even if only for a few hours. I know with my friend this is a 24/7 thing on her mind. My BF unfortunately doesnt live near me, so I can’t do those things with her. I recently sent her a gift card for a dry blowout bar to have her hair done, in hopes she’d use it before a night out with husband and feel good/pretty that night. She really loved it.
You sound like a great friend and I hope your friend gets her wish soon.
Post # 4
I have a very dear friend who is going on 2.5 years TTC with a loss in there. Listening and letting her vent i think is the best thing i can give her. Sometimes she just needs to speak openly and freely and to know i support her.
And since she knows i am TTC and its been about a year for me now, i think seeing how i understand things alot clearer is really good.
I also try to make things not so “talk about your stuggles” when i see her. I dont bring up TTC unless she wants to talk. If she just wants to relax and have dumb girl talk to take her mind of things i am there for that too.
Post # 5
I’ve been TTC for 16 months now… What I DON’T like to hear from my friends/family who know we are TTC are: don’t worry, it’ll happen eventually, just relax, you’ll be a mom someday, etc
I love to have the opportunity to bitch and vent for a few minutes. Nothing really makes you feel better, so saying something like i’m sorry, that sucks, or thinking of you, or asking how she’s doing helps.
What also hurts is leading questions or assuming she is pregnant … ‘any news to share?’ or ‘I didn’t know if you wanted to drink because you might be pregnant’.
Sounds like you are being a really great friend, so just keep up the good work!
Post # 6
Oh, and here is some really good advice! http://www.resolve.org/support/for-family–friends/infertility-etiquette.html some of it is a little preachy, but good overall
Post # 7
We TTC for 15 months before getting our BFP. I vented to a few of my friends who were not TTC about it. The best thing to do is let her bring it up when she wants, and do not ask about it. If you do talk about it, continue to be supportive and try not to give advice – unless you are an expert on TTC. The worst thing for me was when my friends tried to tell me about things to try – when they dont even understand how the reproductive system works!
Post # 8
Reading your posts helped because what you all suggested is what I am doing. So now I don’t feel like a terrible friend .
I am not telling her “Don’t worry, it’ll happen!” Sometimes I feel like she expects more from me (I am a rehab nurse for TBI, SCI and strokes, but that doesn’t mean I know much about OB/GYN/fertility! lol) but I do ask her questions and I do follow up with her after her appointments. I talk about it only when she brings it up. I let her vent forever about it (she lets me vent about stuff too, we’re a pretty good team lol).