Post # 1
I am going to come right out and confess that my ex still does not know about my engagement.
Not only does he not know, but he’s not an ex boyfriend, he’s an ex fiance. Yes. This is my second diamond ring. *grimace* Think what you will – I won’t bore you with all of the sorry details as to how the first ring came to be and how it ultimately returned to the one who purchased it.
Not only does my ex fiance not know, but we’ve only been split for a little over a year. I met my future husband a couple of months after we broke up and we got engaged after 11 months.
Not only has it only been a little over a year, but we were together for over six years. Though he knows about my fiance and I being serious, he is in no way expecting me to be married off 13 months from now.
So there is the background information. Here is the current situation…My ex and I are still friendly enough. Occasional emails or random chit chat a couple of times a week via gmail chat while we’re at work. We live many hours away from one another, and we never talk on the phone, but we still consider each other friends. Ultimately, that friendliness was much of what inspired our split. He has a new girlfriend, seemingly much better suited for him than I, and I am, obviously, very happily taken. There is no romantic emotional baggage between us (thank goodness for that!), but I do respect him and care about him as someone who was a major part of my life for the better part of a decade.
I cannot figure out to tell him that I’m getting married. My fiance and I both agree that the news needs to come from me, so aside from our closest circle of people we’ve kept things fairly quiet for this first month of our engagement. I would like to tell him soon…I just don’t know the best way to go about doing so. Phone? Email? I would prefer to meet up for coffee and talk in person, but distance prevents that from being an option. I am hoping the hive will have some thoughts. Has anyone had to do this before? Any ideas on how to break the news? How on earth do you tell your ex that you’re getting married?
Thanks in advance. Any/all of your thoughts and suggestions are very welcome.
Post # 3
I would just email him.
It’s not a big deal, he is your ex and you have both moved forward.
I wouldn’t really worry too much, what is the worst that could happen? I can’t imagine he is the type of person to freak out, but if he did, so what? It’s really none of his business anyway, and you are telling him as your friend. Treat him like that… a friend, not old baggage.
Post # 4
Please call him if you can not do it face to face.
As one who has been on the receiving end of an ex- NOT telling me first and it coming from somone else, please tell him before someone else does.
I was very personally hurt that my ex- of six years could not find the words to tell me that he was engaged. His only excuse was that he didn’t know how to tell me and he was scared of how I might react. We were friendly (I only say "were" because he has since passed away) and I was really happy for him. I was just disappointed that I had to find out from someone else. To top it off, the person who told me took great pleasure in being the one to "break" the news to me.
To put it simply, just pick up the phone. Tell him you have something very important that you need to share with him and just blurt it out. If you sense he is hurt, try to console him, don’t apologize. But ask that he just be happy for you. You only want the best for him, too.
I hope it goes well.
Post # 5
i think meeting up in person to talk about this might just open up the floodgates for drama. i wouldn’t use any means of communication that is out of the ordinary for you two. if your primary mode of communication is email, then go ahead and email him the good news. it would be really odd if he were to respond with "i can’t believe you told me over email, i wanted to you to call me to talk about this even though we never talk on the phone." if he is happy with his new relationship, there is no reason he should be so hung up on this (and if he is, then that’s a whole different issue!). and if he has truly made his peace, then he should just be happy for you.
Post # 6
In my opinion, email is very impersonal.
And, it is a big deal when you have spent six years of your life with someone, it didn’t work out, and you are still friendly.
Respect his feelings, but no you don’t need to feel bad. Granted it isn’t HIS business, you don’t have to hurt him if you don’t have to. Especially if you ended the relationship amicably (sp?).
Post # 7
Yep, I second what Maureen said. It shouldn’t be a big deal if there’s no residual romantic feelings on his part, and if he does feel that way it’s not really your problem. I think it’s perfectly appropriate to e-mail him to let him know your good news, just as you would any other friend.
Post # 8
I had the same type of situation and I called him and told him. I felt I owed it to him, and if you guys still have some communication, that’s probably how I view your situation too. He deserves to hear it from you and not someone else. It’s going to be hard and it’s not going to be fun in the least. You’re going to hang up the phone several times before making the call, but ultimately you need to remember that you both are better off with the ones you’re with now. It’s not fair to your Fiance that you’re keeping the engagement a secret because your ex doesn’t know yet.
Basically you just call him, not at work, when he’s not at work and say "I need to tell you that "FI’s name" and I are very serious and he proposed, and I said yes." You don’t need to go into details, even if he asks. You don’t need to tell him a set date because he may be just asking out of shocked niceness. It doesn’t have to be a long conversation and you DO NOT have to feel guilty about making this call. Trust me, I had those feelings too, and then the rational side of me kicked in and said "why are you feeling guilty for being happy? He’s with someone too!" and that helped.
Post # 10
I was in very similar situation as you. My ex and I dated 6 years before we split, I was single for 1.5 years before I met my Fiance, and we were engaged after 9 months of dating. My ex and I are extremely civil with each other, share many mutual friends to this day and occasionally chat via instant messaging. When I first got engaged, I didn’t go out of my way to seek him out to tell him about it, I informed him of the engagement in the subsequent converstation we had over IM. He was appreciative that I informed him so that he didn’t hear it from somebody else, just like I was appreciative that he informed me he began dating a mutual friend after 6 months of our break up.
I definitely think you should give him the courtesy to inform him yourself, but I don’t think you have to go out of your way to inform him. Use the usual mean of communication between you two to do it, be it meeting for lunch, over IM, over email etc.
Post # 11
I agree with the majority of people who have posted so far, email him. If you don’t usually communicate with him over the phone now, why would you start calling? You and the ex seem perfectly comfortable with how things stand in that respect. I would hurry, though. He does need to hear it from you before he hears it through the grapevine.
Post # 12
As others have said, if you do it in person it will bring drama. In this day and age, email is not impersonal. If it bothers him enough, then he will call you and you can continue the discussion. But I think email is safest and this way you tell him in the most thoughtful written way possible as opposed to over the phone where things could be said wrong out of awkwardness or what have you.
Post # 13
email…if that’s how you guys communicate the most…do that. emails are only impersonal when you never email that person and out of the blue you drop the bomb…
Post # 14
You just got engaged, I’m assuming you’re happy about it so you should be shouting it from the rooftops! You shouldn’t be agonizing over how to tell your ex and limiting the people you tell because of it.
Yes, you were w/ the ex for 6 years, and only apart for a year and you’re already engaged. Everyone always says it’s all about timing. You were 7 years younger when you met your ex, maturity allows us to make decisions more quickly. You don’t have to be w/ your current boyfriend for longer than your ex to make it legitimate.
You don’t talk on the phone now, so making a point of calling only gives him the satisfaction that he’s still important to you. Just email him or IM him to let him know that you wanted him to hear it from you. That should be enough.
You are with someone new now that you’re about to spend the rest of your life with. That should be your first and biggest priority.
Post # 15
I have to say thank you to everyone for your feedback. I appreciate you taking the time to pass along your input.
Other people have mentioned it, but SoCalBeachGirl managed to say exactly what has been rolling around in my head the last few weeks…I DO want to shout it from the rooftops and I do want our wedding and our happiness to be my number one focus without this little thing that has to be done nagging me from the back of my mind constantly.
My mom said recently, "You don’t owe him anything," and she could not be more right. I guess I just haven’t wanted anything awkward or uncomfortable to dampen my mood (one of happiness, giddiness and elation), but the more I avoid it the more it threatens to do so. It’s time to bite the bullet.
I still cannot decide between phone or email, but I am leaning toward email. I will keep you posted! Thanks, everyone, for all of your thoughts. I appreciate it very much.
Post # 16
i don’t know why he needs to know. i’m not telling any of my exboyfriends i’m getting married. granted, i wasn’t engaged to any of them, however, it obviously didn’t last in your case and probably for the better. if you feel like you should tell him, then email is good. but keep it short and sweet.