(Closed) I need advice! How to tell my ex….

posted 13 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2021

Thanks for the props, Cyd.  That’s what’s great about the Bee, it’s really easy to relate!

We’ve all been there and also know what it’s like when we’re "one-upped" when the ex calls or you run into him with his new chick!  Its understandable that you’re trying to be considerate since he played such a big role in your life.

But men don’t think like we do.  I doubt he’d think to call you, if the roles were reversed, because men aren’t impacted by that stuff like we are.

It sounds like you have an awesome FH who was smart enough to know he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you within a year.  That’s pretty great, and you obviously feel the same since you said, "yes."  I know that FH said he agreed you should tell the ex personally, but would you feel the same if he felt like he should tell his ex personally? 

Probably not because you wouldn’t want him to validate to his ex that she is still important enough to warrant any consideration and that she’s still top of mind. 

Your husband should be the person that you put above all others in every situation, and it should start with this one.  Make him feel like he’s the most important person in your life, and that your ex truly doesn’t mean anything to you anymore.

Post # 18
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I TOTALLYYYYYYYYYY understand what you are going through, I have a similar situation and guess why it is difficult…it is an unhealthy attachment and maybe you are not ready to get married.  (that is what my shrink said)  Either send him an announcement or an email and I would say, since you are such a dear friend, I know you will be the first to congratulate me.  Honestly I think you dont want to let go.  (trust me, I know)

Post # 19
127 posts
Blushing bee

socalbeachgirl is right on, with both comments..especially her last  comment about making him feel like he’s the most important person in your life.

i told the most recent ex over e-mail as a courtesy as well, just so that he does not hear it from someone else. i waited to tell him as well, because i got engaged relatively soon after our break-up. but i didn’t agonize over it at all. i was just waiting for the right moment, and we didn’t communicate regularly enough. i told him in a reply to an e-mail he sent me. i actually did not reach out first.

another ex, i told over AIM when he messaged me just to see how i was doing. i would not have gone out of my way to contact him, and would have let news travel in this case.

all other exes, i did not even think about telling. everyone has moved on.

i think e-mail is fine, unless you both phone each other once in a while. right now, it is all about your fiance, so share your news and let yourself be happy. 🙂 good luck! and congrats!!

Post # 20
800 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Yeah. I mean, it’s nice you’re taking his feelings into consideration, but if he still feels so strongly about you that he’s going to be really upset by this, it’s probably best to keep it as impersonal as possible a) for your own sanity and b) out of respect for FH.

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