(Closed) I need advice… (long)

posted 10 years ago in Beehive
Post # 3
1245 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Just say no. You’ve got PLENTY of valid reasons to opt out. It doesn’t sound like you’re going to be able to be the supportive, positive person that she needs, and although it’s ok to feel sorry for her, don’t say "yes" just because of that. Stick to your guns! Go with your gut!

Post # 4
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

If this girl is not even close to you, I would just ignore her emails because you had stated above that she does not even have your current phone number. 

It is sad that she does not have that many friends at all, but it’s her fault for being so negative towards everyone. 

I think whatever excuse  that you will give her will just make her find ways to incorporate you as her bridesmaid again…don’t let her pressure you into something you don’t want to do

Post # 5
596 posts
Busy bee

gosh i hope she didn’t rearrange this wedding just so you could be in it!  i think it’s perfectly okay to say no…just say that you want to spend this year with your new husband before he goes off to Iraq, focusing on your new teaching career, etc.  they are all perfectly valid reasons!

it’s really not fair to either of you if you say yes – you will have only said it out of guilt and she will get a bridesmaid who is only halfheartedly interested in participating in her wedding planning.  don’t let your guilt keep you from saying no.  you will feel far worse later when you are resentfully throwing her a shower, bachelor party, attending to her every bridal need, buying an expensive dress that you hate, etc.

Post # 6
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I guess I don’t see the harm in accepting. Maybe you would get to know each other much better during the planning and it would turn out to be a lot of fun. It’s a honor to be asked, so in a way she’s telling you that you’re a good friend to her. As we get older, friendships become harder to maintain. I wouldn’t be so quick to throw away someone who wanted to be my friend.

Post # 7
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

hi!  I’m with everyone on the just saying no…

 I had a sort of similar situation last year.  A friend I was really close to in high school and university but we had drifted apart the last few years.  So much so that I had only met her fiance once when she asked me to help out with her wedding and be her day-of coordinator.  I felt bad and said yes because she and I used to be so close. 

She’s also a very anxious and negative person as well.  Needless to say, once I agreed, it was two months of drama and always trying to calm her down. 

After everything, and after the wedding, didn’t hear a peep from her again for over 6 months when I FINALLY got even a thank you card for the wedding present!  (And that was only because I sent her an email and hinted that I knew she had sent out cards to others)

So… I guess, the lesson I learned is to go with your gut.  Don’t do it if you think you might regret it after.  And don’t do it because you feel sorry for her or just for the sake of your "past" friendship… because that just shows there’s a reason you aren’t currently friends with her.

Good luck!

Post # 8
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

If you have no desire to rekindle the friendship, you shouldn’t be part of her wedding.  But if you think you could be friends again, then why not share in her joy? 

Post # 9
638 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2007

Yeah – I don’t even think you need a list of excuses for her.  Being a bridesmaid is costly with both time & money.  I would just tell her ‘Sorry, I’m unable to fulfill the role and wish you a wonderful wedding and marriage.’

I know you feel badly for her.  But there’s no rule saying you need 6 bridemaides or anything.  Maybe she should just have a MOH?  Or whatever.  Really she should have girls in her wedding that she’s close with – today 🙂

Life is too short – you need to spend your time and money on people who are important to you and things you are passionate about.  Don’t let yourself get guited into this – be strong!

Post # 10
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I would decline very politely.  It sounds like you know her very well and purposefully decided not to continue your friendship because it wasn’t worth it.  Based on your post, it doesn’t sound like she adds anything positive to your life.  You can still be friendly and offer to give her wedding advice, but you should not feel obligated to be a bridesmaid.  It would be different if you just drifted apart over time, but you made a conscious decision to end your friendship.

I agree it’s difficult to meet quality girlfriends as we get older, but I don’t think it means that you have to settle for wasting your time/effort on the unfulfilling friendships…

Post # 11
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

Don’t do it.  You don’t want to be the bridesmaid we are constantly complaining about on this forum, the one that doesn’t really want to/can’t fufill their duties.

Post # 12
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 10 years ago

SAY NO! With your hubby just gone and your career stress my guess is you won’t be able to handle it…especially a wedding, bride+groom+couple togetherness+your husband away= YOU misserable!


Post # 13
72 posts
Worker bee

Of course you may politely decline.  But here’s the thing – do not give her any excuses for why you are saying no.  As you have discovered, she will just try to change your mind.

Simply say – "I’m sorry, it’s just not possible."



Post # 14
25 posts
  • Wedding: July 2008


If you are sure that you’ll feel uncomfortable, Then don’t do it. Neither one of you guys need to be in that position. But if you’re not sure, then why not?.. It seems to me that you are still judging her from past experiences, Anyone can change in 5 years (As im sure you can see areas of maturity in yourself that you probably didnt have or notice 5 years ago). I agree with snmcdowell, It takes alot of courage to ask someone to share in their special day- Maybe you should think of how you felt when you asked those special people in your life to participate in sharing your and FI’s day…. (Not trying to "guilt trip" you into saying yes, Just want you to consider all aspects of the situation before you give your answer)


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