I need advice on my relationship? Where am I going wrong?

posted 1 month ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
1564 posts
Bumble bee

My thoughts are – he’s realising that you are clingy and is pulling back.

Post # 17
Member
801 posts
Busy bee

It shouldn’t be this hard.

 

Your crazy / needy flag is flying high and he is probably backing off because of it. Two months in you can be infatuated with someone but you can’t truly love them. Love takes time, especially the kind of lasting unconditional love that makes a relationship or marriage work.  

 

I would stop contacting him. You’ve made it VERY clear that you want to see him and if he really is interested in a long term relationship with you, HE WILL REACH OUT.  Or it’s just a short term thing that flamed and died out quickly. That happens and there isn’t much you can do about it once the other person loses interest. I get it, I was there before and it stings.  But when you meet the guy who will eventually become your husband you won’t have to beg him to hang out or feel like you need to lose weight to be worthy.

Post # 18
Member
1058 posts
Bumble bee

Sloooow down and breathe . 

Whether this guy is a douche or not you will scare any man away by being super clingy n needy, esp so early while getting to know each other. 

Post # 19
Member
2029 posts
Buzzing bee

beautylovexo :  first of all, no 2-month relationship should be this much drama. he’s only hanging out with you when it suits him, and because you’ve made yourself so readily available to him, he’s now allowed to treat you like an option. a backup that’ll be there when things he’d rather be doing fall through.

second of all, you need to seek therapy and self-care. you are clearly not in a healthy mental or emotional state right now—once you speak with someone to get those things sorted out, you’ll realize that this guy is a dud and your relationship is a dumpster fire. I’m thinking that you probably just latched onto him emotionally because he gave you the attention and affirmation you were looking for. now that he’s pulled away, your self-esteem took another nosedive. let me clue you in: self-esteem, happiness, and confidence in who you are comes from WITHIN. no one can take it away from you, and if they can—you never had it to begin with. seek assistance from someone who can help you build YOURSELF up so you don’t keep giving assholes like this the time of day. he doesn’t deserve it, and if you truly loved yourself, you’d be over him by now.

third of all, in case I haven’t said it enough, this guy is a fucking piece of shit. stop allowing him to use you. stop being his old-reliable.

please take care of yourself, girl. your life will improve so much when you love yourself—not just when you lose weight. I wish you the best 🙂 

Post # 20
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

beautylovexo :  This is too much. Let him do the legwork, stop focusing so much on him.

Post # 21
Member
605 posts
Busy bee

beautylovexo :  You’re suffocating him, Bee. Give him some breathing room. Find some new hobbies, and spend time with friends and family. He knows rushing in to a new relationship isn’t healthy, and he’s hoping you’ll realize the same. Slow down and let things move along at a healthy pace. He’s much more tolerant than I would have been. I would have broken up with you by now. If you want this to work, give him some space. Expecting a new boyfriend to spend every day with you is a bit obsessive and unrealistic. 

Post # 22
Member
519 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2018 - UK

I agree with the previous comments people have made, but I also just wanted to say that while it’s great you want to get healthy, don’t let your weight dictate your self esteem. A UK 6 is tiny, it’s around a US 2. If you’re already an 8, you’re already very slim. Just saying, take care of yourself and don’t take it too far, for the sake of your health.

Regarding the guy, I’m also suspicious about the ex situation. I’m going to echo the comments about the honeymoon period ending for him. You really need to take a step back and breathe, because it sounds like he’s pulling away.

Post # 23
Member
1048 posts
Bumble bee

You remind me so much of myself 6/7 years ago with my ex. His ex is telling the truth, he’s still seeing her and that’s why he’s “busy” a lot of the time. Trust me on this, the same thing happened to me a few years ago (my ex even went as far as asking me to block her ex on all forms of social media so she couldn’t contact me because apparently she was a stalker and obsessed), turns out she was worried her ex would tell me that she’s a cheater and show her proof they’re still in contact and hooking up.

You’re far more into this guy than he is you, he’s still sleeping with his ex and is probably contacting other women or sleeping with them too which is why he is always busy. Also, he probably senses you want to move things quickly and want commitment and he doesn’t which is why he’s backing off.  

I know you probably won’t do this because you think you’re in love with him and your self worth is very dependent on him from the sounds of your posts, but you should end things and work on yourself, then meet a guy who treats you how you deserve. This guy will not give you what you want and will not make you happy. 

Post # 24
Member
470 posts
Helper bee

I don’t believe in jumping to conclusions, but I do think it is suspicious that his ex said that he is seeing her, and that he asked you to block her and said he would do so himself but hasn’t. At the very least, that signals some honesty/trust issues which I would not be happy with 2 months into a relationship.

I agree with the other PPs that spending every day together at the beginning of a relationship is too intense, and you have to expect that to slow down eventually. It is not physically possible to get all of the other life stuff done that a person needs to get done when you are spending so much time with a new partner. In the rush of the newness and the powerful chemicals which are released when we meet someone we really like, it’s easy to push those things to the side, but that can’t continue indefinitely.

It’s absolutely normal and healthy to slow down to a more manageable pace (between once and three times a week) after a while. You can’t let it mean anything for your self-worth and you really need to try not to freak out about it. Use the time as an opportunity to catch up on things in your own life and to process your own feelings about the relationship. The thing you want to be looking for in a guy is consistency and effort.

I’m telling you this for future relationships, because I’m not sure your current boyfriend is the right guy. It seems to me that he’s being dishonest about his relationship with his ex (and why the hell does he need to maintain a friendship with her if she’s obsessive and stalkerish as he describes her? That would not do for me at all.)

That said, he does have a point about not stopping the other things in his life just because he’s seeing you, and I agree with DeniseSecunda. In future, slow things down. Expecting this breakneck pace in a relationship only puts you on the backfoot.

Post # 25
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

You will unfortunately continue to have insecurities/ neediness/ ‘love bombing’ tendencies in this and future relationships until you slow down and sort yourself out. Please look into therapy so you can become self-confident and independent and your best self- for your own sake. Then, when you do get into a relationship you will have a much better sense of balance in your life and confidence in your own self worth. 

And if I’m doing the stone-to-pounds math properly, your goal is to weigh 98 pounds? I’m all for people working to achieve a healthy weight, but this seems low even if you’re fairly short. You also talk about losing another stone like it’s going to transform you and your life when you’re already at a healthy weight (about 112 I’m guessing?) Please mention this to a therapist as well as your unhealthy mindset could extend to food and dieting as well as other insecurities and issues. 

 

Post # 26
Member
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

beautylovexo :  Girl you have cling wrap written all over you. Since you asked the question where are you going wrong, I will tell you.

You are so desperate for love and being in relationships you are investing every bit of yourself into a guy, any guy who gives you the time of day regardless of whether or not he is a decent guy. 

While it is clear that you are clingy and needy, and he could certainly be pulling away because he needs breathing room, you also cant discount what his ex is saying. He may well be seeing her. I cant say for sure, but one thing I do know is that if you dont do some serious intensive self care every relationship you have going forward is going to end with you wondering where you went wrong.

The issue may be him, but its also you too. You state pretty clearly that you want things to move quickly. When things move quickly, its usually a disaster. You need to slow your roll and find out why you are so insistent in dumping yourself and your feelings so wholeheartedly into every new relationship. Were you raised in an emotionally distant family? Has you whole life been spent, bouncing from one relationship to the other?

You need to do some self reflection. A lot of it. Clingy and needy never works. Really good guys who are the types of guys you want want to have a relationship with wont stick around if you smother them to death and make them the center of your world.

Men like women who are confident in themselves and has a life outside of them. A person has to be happy with their lives as a whole before they enter into a relationship. It seems as if you have no happiness unless you are in a relationship and you are expecting the significant other to fill the gap in your heart. It doesnt work that way. 

 

 

Post # 27
Member
6042 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

You’ve been dating two months;  you barely know him. And now he’s making excuses not to see you. It’s likely he’s not nearly as into you as you are to him. Give him space and work on yourself. You shouldn’t be afraid to lose a relationship that has barely begun. 

Post # 28
Member
7898 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

beautylovexo :  

These   two post are separated by two months , ie from the end of the first   ‘relationship’ to the beginning  of this one. Dear OP,  you must see that this is crazy… 

Hi everyone so here’s the situation. I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month. Me and him get along really well and have been on a couple of dates. I’ve fallen for him to be honest.

 ” So I’m in a relationship with my boyfriend and I’ve been with him for 2 months (I met him nearly 3 months ago) I really have fallen for him” 

  

Post # 29
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee

elderbee :  And in that previous thread, she spoke about “the last guy I was seeing in September for that month. We got on so so well and we were acting like a couple going on plenty of dates and talking on the phone quite a lot but in the end he cancelled a date at the start of October

That’s three relationships in 8 months. Clearly this is a pattern for the OP, and goes much deeper than this specific guy.

Post # 30
Member
470 posts
Helper bee

princessanon0125 :  This!

Seeing the updates from a PP about the OP’s relationship history, this seems to be a self-defeating pattern that she has got herself into. 

OP, I don’t want to be harsh towards you because I think many women (myself included), and probably many men as well, have fallen into the “love bombing”, tempation to move a relationship at breakneck speed trap. You don’t see anything wrong with it, but you have to see that it’s not doing you any good, and you will have to learn to snap out of it and pace yourself eventually.

There are the two main reasons why it’s a bad idea:

* You cannot get any true sense of who the other person is. When you are blinded by love hormones and chemistry and a fixation on the relationship moving fast, you miss red flags and signs of incompatibility.

* People (men in particular) need space. They cannot keep this up. They will eventually slow down and pull away a bit, and if you don’t know to let them have that breathing room, this will make you even more anxious and clingy and this will most likely end the relationship.

If you really are thinking long-term, you have to be a bit smarter about this.

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