(Closed) I need advice on my relationship

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@lookingforadvice:  He is still really young and I’ve found guys around that age (which is mine by the way) are not even considering those things yet in general. Obviously there are some exceptions. My dh proposed when he was 25 and he will be the first to admit that he was a very different person at 23. To this day he claims if we’d met just a bit earlier I wouldn’t have agreed to date him, he had gone through a bad breakup and was bitter about all women at that point.

I would give him until when he asked, leave it alone until the 3 year mark and then bring it up. I can understand why you want an answer, but if he isn’t ready pushing it won’t help. Think of the differences in you in two years, I got married just short of two years ago and I have changed so much since then, I’ve grown and thankfully I’ve grown with my husband instead of apart.  My dh and I went from breaking up at 5 months to getting enaged at 13 months (we had a longish engagement around 2 years) so 6 months can make a huge difference. Good luck

Post # 4
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@lookingforadvice:  “But does this mean he is not serious about the relationship or committed to me?”

Yes, I would say at this point in time that is exactly what that means. He’s 25. Like the previous poster said, 25 year-old men are very typically not even thinking about marriage. 

I wouldn’t be uprooting my life to move across the country for someone who is not ready to make a commitment. Seems like you’ll be setting yourself up for disappointment. I don’t even understand why you sacrificing and moving across the country for him is even on the table if he says he doesn’t know where your relationship is headed.

It doesn’t sound like he’s not communicating with you. It sounds like he’s said exactly what he thinks. Tread carefully.

Post # 5
3026 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

ACtually, he’s only 23!!! That’s super young. Personally I would have run run run from anyone asking me to discuss anything so serious at that age. I know my brothers would have would have, too.

You’re close to the three year mark. Give him until then. At that point you will have to make sure you know what YOU want.

Post # 6
524 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@lookingforadvice:  It honestly sounds like he IS communicating with you — he’s saying, “I don’t know where I see this relationship going.”  Just because you don’t like what he’s saying doesn’t mean he’s not communicating.  

We can discuss his age and the fact that he’s young, but plenty of men get married at that age.  I know many who did.  I’m going focus more on the fact that you’re on opposite coasts.  Is that a situation that’s going to change sometime soon, or are each of you in jobs that you aren’t willing to leave?  Have you discussed the possibility of finding a place to live *together* in the near future, i.e., within the next 6 months when you hit his 3-year timeline?  And what happens if you hit that 3-year mark and he *still* doesn’t know what he wants?  What are you willing to do at that point?

You’ve got a lot to think about.  If you aren’t willing to break up with him yet, give him that extra 6 months.  But at some point, his answer needs to be, “I see a future and you’re in it.”  Otherwise you need to walk away.  

Post # 8
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I wouldn’t move across the country for someone unless I was certain we were on the same page about where things are going. That might mean waiting a while, but you’d be sacrificing a lot to move and I think it’s fair to expect some sort of firm timeline. 

Post # 9
472 posts
Helper bee

@lookingforadvice:  You’re not reading the writing on the wall.

He already said he’s doesn’t know where this relationship is going. Two and a half years is a fairly long enough time where you’d know if you saw a future with another person or not. 

He’s very young, and like other posters have said, there are some guys out there that want to settle down at that age, but he doesn’t sound like one of them.

I can’t imagine you uprooting your life to go and live on the other side of the country for someone so unsure. If you moved out there and then broke up then what? 


@sailor_girl:  “It honestly sounds like he IS communicating with you — he’s saying, “I don’t know where I see this relationship going.”  Just because you don’t like what he’s saying doesn’t mean he’s not communicating.”

Yes! All of this!

Post # 10
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I agree with the above.  It does sound like he’s communicating with you…you just don’t like what he has to say.  He’s obviously not ready for marriage and you can’t do anything to change that.  I’d only move to be closer to him if it’s advantageous to you (better career opportunities, looking for a change…) but not just to be with him. 

Post # 11
9954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Ok here is my take on this…

He is 23… You are 25 (and we all know women mature faster than men… so this means you are SIGNIFICANTLY farther down the road than he is).  So ya after 2-1/2 Years you are looking for some kind of “commitment” or explanation to “Where do you see this going ?”

In reality, they say that men KNOW somewhere between the 12 months and 24 months timeframe if the girl they are seeing is THE ONE or not

So based on what you’ve said here… I’d wager YES HE KNOWS… but at the same time, men aren’t in a big rush to settle down as much as us women are… they don’t have a “clock ticking” anywhere… they see themselves as having FOREVER (well almost) to get to that stage in their lives.  Which is also WHY so many Bees on the WAITING BOARD are frustrated… cause men just don’t see the urgency.  They see happiness, they see contentment… so WHY would they want to rock the boat ?

Men need something to make them realize that things might not stay status quo… and it cannot be an ultimatium.

So, OP you did the right thing asking Questions… BUT more importantly what you need to do is formulate YOUR LIFE PLAN… what it is YOU WANT to do with YOUR LIFE over the 2, 5, 10 years… and then share that with him.  (ie. By the time I am x yrs old I see myself finished with my education, and then by x settling into my career, by x Married, and by x starting a family).  You develop YOUR LIFE PLAN… and then you share it with him, and sit back and LISTEN to what he has to say.

IF he wants you in his life, sees you in his life, HIS LIFE PLAN will reflect that… if he doesn’t see things that way, then you’ll hear it & know.  Pay attention… men don’t tend to mess about with the truth when they talk about their LIFE PLANS.  A guy who says, they don’t see themselves married to 30, is more than likely telling you the truth.  So don’t think you are going to change things.

That said… this guy is just 23.  Still pretty young.  He’s probably focussing on all sorts of things beyond settling down.  He is happy with the relationship you guys have now… even if you are 4 time zones apart.

Things would probably change if you were to move closer to him (or he to you).  Solely because of the proximity and the fact you’d be spending more time together.  Do you want to do that ?  Well I would say if you do… make sure you are doing it FOR YOU and not for him.  Anotherwords, if you move to the East, think about what would happen if you guys broke up almost immediately right afterwards.. would you be ok being on the East Coast or not ?

No matter what you do, move or not… altho I am a BIG proponent of living together before getting married… I wouldn’t move in with him unless I truly knew and UNDERSTOOD where the relationship was headed.  Is it a case of “we really like each other lets live together”… OR “lets live together and see where this goes”… OR “lets live together and make plans to get married”… ALL 3 OF THOSE are significantly different from one another. And some women even make it clear to the guy that they won’t move in UNLESS there is a firm plan that includes a Ring (either BEFORE or AFTER she moves in).  And there is nothing wrong with that either.  Every girl has her standards.

And that is important… you have to KNOW YOU… and be comfortable with YOU and YOUR STANDARDS and WHAT YOU WANT.  Cause in the end this is YOUR LIFE … don’t be a doormat, don’t put your Hopes & Dreams for life on the back burner for some guy… especially DO NOT DO THIS WHEN YOU ARE YOUNG

So heres what I’d do…

I’d make up my LIFE PLAN… for myself.  You might have to do some reading & research to totally comprehend what it is you want out of life… like if a trip to some exotic place is on your short list etc.

And I’d go on living my life for me… 6 months from now… around that 3 Year Anniversary mark… I’d share my LIFE PLAN with him (no point talking future anything at this point… the guy has told you he ain’t there yet… and WHEN he does expect to be there… anything else is NAGGING him… and that isn’t a good thing.  If you have problem fulfilling that… then you need to check out the SHUT IT UP PACT here on WBee)

So 6 months from now, you’ll be on track for your own life… and your LIFE PLAN.  And he’ll have to decide what HE WANTS.

If he wants you in his life in a bigger way he’ll tell you.  If that means you move there… and you negotiate what that means for you two great (ie moving in or not).  OR If that means, you say, you’re established out west, and cannot move… then he’ll have to make a decision.  Trust me, he wouldn’t be the first guy to either let a girl go cause he tired of the distance… NOR would be the first guy who decides to pack it all up and move for a woman.

In reality… THAT for me would be a far greater sign of what his commitment truly is (well unless you agree to go to him, and he’s planning to buy a ring)

Anyhow… you see how it works… the back & forth.

The this is my life… how does yours fit into mine thing.

Hope this helps,

PS… For more info on Life Plans and turning Dating into Long Term Relationships / Marriage you might want to pick up a copy of Dr Phil’s “Love Smart ~ Find The One You Want – Fix the one you got”


Post # 12
9954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Ooops, and By The Way… I see this is your DEBUT post on WBee… a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”… I hope you enjoy your time here.



Post # 13
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@lookingforadvice:  Ditto that he’s really young.  Most guys don’t even think about settling down and getting married before they’re 25.  But if he doesn’t have a clue after 3 years, it’s probably not a good idea to uproot your entire life and move across the country to be with him.  Even though he’s young, he should have some clue about where he would like for the relationship to go, even if he’s not yet ready for marriage talk.  At the very least the discussion could have been “I’d like for us to be living together by X date and talking marriage another year or two after that.”

I’m sorry but I don’t think you are getting what you need out of this relationship and that is a sense of commitment and permanency.  Honestly, you’re probably not going to get any of that from this particular guy.  By the time he’s old enough to think about it, your window together will most likely have passed.

Post # 14
2564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@solidarity:  +1  I moved states to be with my Fiance, and I know I would not have had we not discussed marriage at length and were on the same page regarding that beforehand.

Post # 15
4518 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Here’s my take: 

If he says he doesn’t know where the relationship is going , that’s what he means — he truly doesn’t know. 

So it’s up to you to decide what you want to do with that information. Does it bother you that after 2.5 years he doesn’t know? Would you kick yourself if, a year from now, or 2 years from now, he finally made up his mind, and it wasn’t in your favor? If so, then I would think about moving on. If it doesn’t bother you, and you are ok with the not knowing, then stay with him for as long as you are happy. Just make sure you take an honest look at your relationship, what your boyfriend is saying to you, and what you want.


Post # 16
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@snd485: +1 

I agree. He’s telling you loud and clear that he’s not ready to even think about marriage. I wouldn’t move for this guy. Sorry. 🙁

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