(Closed) I need advice on what to do

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
368 posts
Helper bee

Oh dear, sending lots of ::hive hugs:: your way!!! I hope everything turns out okay with your mom, and if it is cancer, hopefully they caught it early and can provide her with the best medical treatment avaialble!!

As far as the Texas-thing goes, why does your Fiance want to move to Texas? Is that where his family is? I currently live in NC, but my we are planning to get married in MN and move to MN because all of my family and friends are there. However, I have not (and will not) ever tell my Fiance, I am moving and if you don’t want to, I will find someone else there – I don’t think that’s appropriate at all!! I think that relationships are all about compromise, and finding a happy medium where you both will be content and satisfied with your life.

Maybe you decide to do half the itme in CA and half in TX? Or make different decisions about careers, family, etc. so both are happy. I hope you can find that happy compromise!

And about finding your vendors – have you been using the Bee Local Boards to find any suggested vendors? Have you asked around to family and friends? Or have you asked your other vendors for help finding the photographer, videographer, DJ, or florist? I wouldn’t stress about wedding favors – go to one of the boards and read about all the BAD wedding favors, most weddings can go without unless you already have a plan and know what you are going to do.

Just take a step back, handle one thing at a time and relax. Everything will get worked out!! Best of luck!!

Post # 4
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

WOW.  If I were in your situation, and Fiance said that to me, I’d tell him to go to Texas, with a lot more colorful words thrown in.  A location should not be more important to him than you, especially considering the fact that the only reason you’re balking is because your mom has cancer and you want to help take care of you!  He should be supporting you, not making it harder.  I’d call his bluff, and if it’s not a bluff, you lucked out.  And I say that as a bride who’s getting married at the beginning of July.  I’m furious for you.

Post # 5
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Well I would ask him if you can wait until you hear about your mother’s situation before you make any firm plans to go. Who knows? It may not be necessary for you to stay after all. Could you work out some sort of compromise? Maybe to start discussing after the actual wedding and give it 6 months. I mean, he isn’t suggesting you up and move the day after you getting married, is he?

Post # 6
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I agree with Johnsbride09.  I think your fiance’s response was incredibly disrespectful to you and your family, and I can’t imagine being with someone so unsupportive during a difficult time.  I’m not going to say more because I’m seething on your behalf right now.  Thoughts outgoing to you and your family, I hope that your mother gets good news from her doctors.

Post # 7
Member
2143 posts
Buzzing bee

Wow, that is totally wrong. Maybe ask him if he’s willing to wait to move to Texas until yout mom is better? If he truly, really doesn’t care about you so much that he claims he’ll find someone else, that gives me huge red flags. For me and my hubby, there IS nobody else. We both believe 100% that we are the best people for each other, and nobody else can compare. Maybe you two need some councling, and ask him if the wedding is what he really wants.

Post # 9
Member
773 posts
Busy bee

I was inclined to tell you to see if he was willing to just wait and see what happens with your mom and her potential illness before making any plans about where to live, and then I realized, that’s totally the wrong advice!

 

Your fiance absolutely should not put you in such a horrible position.  My husband respects how close I am to my family, and if my mother were sick, he’d bend over backwards to make sure that I could be close to her in her time of need.   And he would certainly never threaten to "find someone else."  

 

I think you need to really think about what you want out of a husband.  If you can be happy with someone who cannot respect you and your family, that’s fine, but I would encourage you to do some soul searching before you marry this man. 

 

ETA: what is the hurry with moving to texas?  Why does he have to move there as soon as this lease is up?  I mean, seriously, he wants to move there, without you, and then let you come when you’re ready? WTF! You’ll be married!  You could get a month-to-month lease on a place if you don’t want to sign another year lease where you are right now. He should be there for you if your mother is sick! 

Post # 10
Member
984 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

First of all, I’m so sorry to hear about your mom, hugs go out to you!

Secondly, I just don’t think that your fiance should be putting you in that position. That’s way too much pressure on you and it’s completely unfair. You need to sit down and have a real talk with him, perhaps even sitting down with a counselor. Find out his reasoning behind wanting to move and why he said what he did. If that really is how he feels about the situation, well I know it may be hard but maybe you are better off without him. Someone who makes life harder for you when you’ve gotten bad news isn’t really someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, a life that will be full of good times and bad. Good luck to you, I hope things wor out for the best.

Post # 12
Member
2819 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Oh my God, I cannot believe he would say that to you, ESPECIALLY when he knows how torn you must be feeling right now. =(

It sounds like he’s not really willing to talk this out, but maybe try explaining to him the fact that your father/brother won’t be there for your mother, and you need to help her through this tough time. (Hearing that you have cancer is TOUGH.) Maybe suggest to him that, if your mother is doing okay by July (emotionally and physically) that you’ll move down, but if not, you’ll stay just until she IS ready. You could even remind him that since you have so much wedding stuff to do yet, that there’s NO WAY you guys will have time to find a house, etc. So you could use a couple months after the wedding to do that whilst ensuring that your mother is going to be alright.

And, of course, when you ARE in Texas, stay in touch! =) E-mails, phone calls, even snail mail. 

Post # 13
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I really can’t think of a nicer way to put this, so I’ll just put it bluntly: when he said he was going to TX with or without you, he told you where he ranks your relationship in his life.  Believe him.  His focus should be on you and your family, not on this move.

Ask yourself this: if the situations were reversed, and you really wanted to move somewhere after marriage, but his mother got sick and he wanted to stay with her, what would you do?  If you would do the same thing as him, stay.  If you wouldn’t, stop planning, start counselling or walking.

Post # 14
Member
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

@hh- I am concerned that your fiance seems to have disregarded your feelings in this case. I especially don’t feel good about threats like, "If you don’t want to come, I’ll find someone else there."

I am also concerned that your wedding is in less than 2 months and that it seems that you’ve been dragging your feet on the planning (though totally understandable now that your mom is sick).

Only you and your fiance can decide if this wedding/marriage is headed down the right track.  I would suggest talking to someone who is unrelated to you and can help you sort through these issues.

Most importantly, I hope the surgery was a success and that the tissue comes back benign.  Hive hug!

Post # 15
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

hhcheung2000, is postponing the wedding an option?  It sounds like you and your fiance have some issues you should talk out before you tie the knot.  I get that he’s wanted to move to Texas for a long time, but for him to say something like "I’ll find someone else" is a huge red flag for me. You’re getting married in 6 weeks, and he’s talking about dumping you if you decide you need to care for your sick mother?  Yikes. Maybe he was just angry and lashing out, but that’s a pretty heartless thing to say.

Is your fiance comfortable with how close you are with your family?  Or does he feel like he always comes in second to them?  If it’s the second one, that might explain why he’s being so stubborn about the move to Texas and so unwilling to talk about postponing it if your mom needs treatment.

I think it would really help to make an appointment with a counselor or a pastor to talk about the move to Texas, and about your guys’ relationship in general, before you tie the knot.

Post # 16
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

My heart goes out to you. My mom has had cancer for 5 years now .. and i know how that feels. I wish her all the prayers so that the results come out negative.

 

On the matter of your Fiance, I agree with, amandopolis, that you need to do some soul searching to make sure this is the right guy for you. If he can’t understand that your family is important to you then there maybe other things he is not willing to understand or respect. I know having a July wedding is a little late but its not too late to think about it and make sure you are doing the right. Goodluck!

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