(Closed) I need advice please.

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

That is an awful position to be in especially when you all have previously discussed future plans! I would (try) to take some time to calm down and then discuss it with him rationally. I would again state how important marriage is to you and even if you don’t want to, I would go ahead  and give him the reasons why.  Of course you don’t want to feel like you forced him or gave  an ultimatum but maybe something like, “Marriage is my ultimate goal here and if it’s not yours that is fine, but I do not see any  point in continuing the relationship.” Give him some time to think  it over and then make your decision from there. If marriage is truly important to you, its not really something you can compromise about. Hopefully he will see the light  and not want to lose a wonderful woman!

Post # 4
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I feel your pain! I was with my now-husband for 3.5 years before we got engaged. We began living together after 6 months and even bought a house within 2.5 years of being together. Although we started talking “in theory” about marriage within the first year, he was always non-committal about any sort of serious discussion. There was a point when I was in the same position as you were…”Should I stay or should I go?” It was so frustrating because although he knew he wanted to be with me, he could not tell me when or even if he’d want to say “I do.”  He did eventually come around and we got married in September. What I have learned is that his previous attitude on marriage was due to examples in his family…his dad and sister (who is only 35) are both on their fourth marriage and his mom has been married and divorced twice. Although in his mind he wanted the traditional marriage/kids he just had a hard time getting to where he was ready to take the pluge. It’s possible that your guys is feeling this way too and will eventually come around. I think a lot of men go through this. I think for you, you need to determine what you want in life.  For me, when I came to the fork in the road that you are at now, I realized that at the end of the day, I wanted to be with him and although I wanted marriage, I didn’t want it with anyone but him.  He was (and is) the best guy I’ve evern known, can make me laugh like no other, and loves me unconditionally. I stuck it out with him because of those reasons…because in my heart I knew that he was “the one”–with or without the ring. It was definitley worth the wait. Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

I think that you guys are NOT on the same page. And, you had this discussion when you were angry at him, and I don’t think you were in the right frame of mind to calmly discuss this with him. You need to find out how exactly he feels about marriage period. If he’s not open to it, I think you have your answer. I know it’s definitely not easy, but it will give you the answer that you need. It sort of sounds like he gave you his answer already, that he doesn’t believe in marriage and he doesn’t want to get married, and you have to decide if you’re ok with that. If you aren’t, unfortunately, it’s time to move on.

Post # 6
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

OMG, I went through the same thing. Almost exactly.

Been with my guy for 5 years, living together for 3.

When I first met him, he talked about how much he wanted to get married again (he’s divorced), and was looking for the right one. After about 2 years of dating, he said he “changed his mind” and found that our setup was much more to his liking. He said he didn’t want to get married again after all, he “wasn’t good at it”. I moved in with him, knowing we might never “get there”.

I was so upset. And, I don’t think my upset every totally went away. I let him know that I wanted marriage and although he meant more to me than the ring and paper, it was what I really wanted.

Well, we are moving to another state next year, and we will likely have to go on the same insurance for awhile, while we look for work. He said “if we have to get married for that, i’m ok with it”. Not what every girl wants to hear! Flash forward to about 6 or 7 weeks ago-

The subject came up over dinner out. Boy, I was nervous, but I brought it up, first talking about the insurance issue, then how we would do it if we decided to. He started really getting into the conversation. He told me he was actually thinking about “making an honest woman of me”, and that he could not believe how lucky he was to have found me. Flash forward to last weekend-

We shopped for rings last weekend, and last Sunday, we were looking for a site for our ceremony. 🙂 He calls me his bride all the time now!

Men are funny creatures. If he told you that he “would do it if it was important to you”, be honest, and tell him that ,yes it is. Once he gets used to it, he will likely get into it! Honestly, your guy has a lot on his plate right now and one more giant step into adulthood might be kind of terrifying. Plu,s honestly- he was probably looking from some support and for you to show pride in his accomplishment, rather than you jumping into “what’s in it for me” . I udnerstand where yo uare coming from, but I’m just guessing that he was hoping you would be over the moon for him and his success first! 🙂

 

 

 

Post # 7
Member
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m so sorry this is happening to you!  I would not continue this relationship.  At this point, I would feel like even if he decided to marry me, he’s only doing it to appease me, not because he wants to.

If you’re interested in continuing the relationship, you could try some counseling with someone, but it just does not sound like you guys are on the same page at all for what you want out of life.  Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
611 posts
Busy bee

You shouldn’t have to force the idea of marriage! I don’t think you should stay with a guy who says “a piece of paper won’t change anything” or who says that he’ll marry you if that’s what it takes to be with you. I would have walked out. I know it’s hard after dating that long but you deserve better. Just keep this thought in the back of you head whether or not you decide to stay with him…”Somewhere out there, there is a guy who would do anything to marry you and being married to you would make his world complete!” You deserve that! Hell we all do!

Post # 9
Member
2829 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

This is a difficult situation, but you have to remember that your BF’s concerns are valid, simply because they are HIS concerns, regardless of whether or not you two have already discussed future plans. He may be worried that YOU would be the one to leave [for whatever strange reason]. If you really do care about him enough to want to marry him, then you have to respect his fears, no matter how frustrating it may be.

I would wait it out a little bit before bringing up this topic again, as it obviously makes him uncomfortable and like you said, you don’t want to pressure him, nor do you want him to be ‘fine’ with the idea of marriage.

No, you don’t have need argument to CONVINCE HIM to marry YOU, but you should have some valid reasons for wanting to marry HIM [love, trust, friendship etc]. Make him aware of how much he really means to you. I know the whole idea of marriage & planning a wedding can be exciting, but it can be overwhelming and scary too.

If you guys had already decided not to discuss/consider engagement for a few years, you may be inadvertently pressuring him when he says ‘raise!’ and you say ‘marriage!’ automatically. Perhaps he was thinking about saving for a house or a car or whatever [since it is his money]. What about fun? what about taking a trip together, or doing other activities/outings that you both enjoy — find a way to bring yourselves closer before you try and cross the marriage/engagement bridge.

I was with my Fiance for 3 years before we got engaged, and it has been another 3 years since then and it will be another year on top of THAT before we are ‘legally’ married. Sometimes, these things take time; sometimes people are married within a year of knowing each other, which is fine for them, but you have to take stock of what is fine/realistic/appropriate for you & your Boyfriend or Best Friend.

Post # 10
Member
482 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@MidnightSun- first of all, I love your name.  She should totally finish that damn book alreadySmile

Secondly, this is a really big issue.  He seemed like he was open to the idea… did his parents divorce recently?  What could have changed his mind.  I think you were both in a defensive and upset frame of mind, which couldn’t help things.  Besides, you know men are mostly stubborn creatures.  My Fiance always has to be right and it’s infuriating.  I agree with the other bees.  Take some time to calm down and try to talk about it in a rational and calm manner.  If he honestly doesn’t want to get married, then I think that you want more than that and it wouldn’t be fair to you.  Then again, relationships are all about compromise.

At then end of the day, you still have to love the one you’re with.

Post # 11
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I can understanding feeling confused and frustrated. This is a similar situation for MANY folks, myself included. While I don’t think you have to (or even should) try to convince your boyfriend to marry you, you should clearly explain your reasons for wanting marriage and why it’s important to you since you both have different views on it.

Your feels and his feelings are both valid. Marriage is a scary thing for many people. When you are calm, and not like today, I would sit and talk to him again and explain what marriage means to YOU, and what you need in your life to be happy.

After that, give it some time and then have an honest conversation with him about where you see things going. I wouldn’t give ultimadeums or threats or anything like that because those rarely work. Instead, I would be honest with myself about what I need and how long I’m willing to wait, and give myself an internal deadline. If not engaged by “x” then I’ll reconsider the realtionship, etc. That is what I am doing anyway.

Hope This Helps

Post # 12
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Guys say the piece of paer line ALL THE TIME. It is not a reason to leave someone you love.

If he is worth marrying, he is worth not marrying.

Leaving him does not guarantee that you will find someone else to marry, either.

Post # 13
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Wait, he’s still in college? Taking classes? Isn’t he an engineering student?

So he DID want to get married and now sounds like he’s been scared away. He’s voicing concerns to you…new ones. Ones that are probably fleeting. Maybe he’s stressed with school.

Post # 14
Member
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m so sorry that you were put into this position. That’s a really tough place to be. Only you know how you feel about him, and if you still want to be with him even if marriage isn’t a possibility, then you should stay.

My parents just got divorced (I’m in my 20s). I don’t want to say I saw it coming, but I kind of did. They had nothing in common, and I mean NOTHING. They also got married when my mom was 19. So even though my parents didn’t work out, I know that my relationship with Mr. Masala is different. When I found out about the divorce I said to him, “I don’t want to get married if divorce is a possibility for us.” But we know ourselves and our relationship together and we know getting married is right for us.

I guess what I’m saying is that you and your boyfriend need to have a serious talk about the exact reasons he doesn’t want to get married. Does he see your relationship as similar to his parents? Is he just not sure he’s ready right now? You gotta find out what he is REALLY scared of.

Post # 15
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Talking with your fiance when you have can dedicate time to the conversation will be really helpful. I was in a similar situation. I found out what my fiance’s concerns were (coming from a family with a lot of divorce, friends divorced, etc) and explained to him why I believe in marriage (creating a family, making that commitment to each other, etc). I also explained to him (and tried to avoid an ultimatum) that if he a) just could not believe in the institution of marriage or b) ultimately did not want to marry me, that these were deal breakers for me (obviously, but sometimes you need to state the obvious).

I actually think that, as painful as this all was, it helped us develop a stronger relationship and know that we both do want to marry each other because we went through so much questioning of our relationship and what marriage means. I also knew (because of who he is) that when he asked me to marry him, he really meant it and did want to spend the rest of his life with me. 

So, talk with your boyfriend and know that whatever happens will be the best thing ultimately but don’t feel pressure to get married just to be married (I have a friend who really wanted to be married, got married, and is now getting a divorce after 5 years) make sure you know he is the right person!

Post # 16
Member
2821 posts
Sugar bee

We had this discussion many times, how it’s just a piece of paper or whatever.  It did help me really formulate why I thought actually making it official was important.  But I listened to his concerns about everything – including he wasn’t sure about kids or marriage or having a home base and not just living some nomadic lifestyle (I think my husband would join a bicycle gang with a tent on his back if he didn’t get married). 

We had many, many important conversations about these things because honestly we both had many insecurities and many fears about what marriage would turn us into.  Long story short, our relationship is much stronger for having these conversations and addressing the insecurities.  Yes, we weren’t the fastest moving couple ever but I’m so glad these concerns were aired prior to taking the plunge. 

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