Post # 1
So I have this situation and I need advice as to what to do about it. Let me start off by saying I have a friend…well sort of friend. We were friends all through highschool but I moved away and we dont really talk anymore except for when I go home every few months to visit family or drop her a line on FB etc. Now I don’t know who else can relate to me but..do you remember when you were in highschool, not quite knowing who you were or who you wanted to be? Well it ended up that the direction I went in is much different than the direction she went in….so we drifted apart, not only for the physical difference in location but just the overall way we treat life. (hopefully this is making sense lol) So She was with her bf (now fiance) for 3 months before they got engaged (they have JUST made the 1 year mark now) and I don’t like him…atall. and neither does any of her other friends…I know it’s not my place to say but seriously they won’t last…they fight almost every day and they havent been together very long…just not a good start to a marriage in my opinion. ANYWAYS she asked me to be a bridesmaid when she first got engaged and I didn’t really want to but I felt I had to say yes, I found out through a friend of hers that I was no longer a bridesmaid (which is fine but she couldnt even tell me herself!). So I got an invitation to the wedding (which is a 8hr trip away) and I really don’t want to go…I don’t support it and frankly I can’t really afford to take the time off of work (I work on casual so I don’t know my future schedule). I told her that I would come if I have that time off, but I can’t guarantee anything and she could take me off the list and if I make it I will attend the ceremony. She was very upset with me because I wasn’t 100% going to be there… am I being a horrible person for not going? What should I do?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Post # 3
No, you’re not being horrible. If she was a very close friend and you approved of the marriage then I would say yes, you NEED to try to be there. But, in this case, I think you can get away with not going. Tell her you really just can not take the time off, send a nice card or something. People have to understand that not EVERYONE can make it to a wedding. Good Luck.
Post # 4
I think you can get away with not going also. She can’t simply expect someone who lives 8 hours away to make the trip 100%.
And what the heck — you were a bridesmaid and now you’re not but she didn’t even tell you? I don’t get that…that right there is reason enough not to go! How can she be mad at you for not coming but she did that to you?
Post # 5
I must say that I am a very vindictive person, lol! Just for the fact that she didn’t have the curtesy to inform you that you were no longer in the bridal party would be enough grounds for you NOT to attend! But then again that’s just me
Post # 6
I think it’s pretty lame you gave her that bull answer. You should have said no, made up a lie about work and stuck to it. How are you going to take “maybe I’ll come, if I do don’t worry I’ll only be at the ceremony”? I wouldn’t appricate those vauge answers either I’d rather you just decline.
Post # 7
i agree that it’s crap she asked you to be a bridesmaid and then didn’t tell you that you were out. HOWEVER, giving her a wishy-washy answer of whether you’re going to attend is not okay either. it seems like you’ve already made up your mind that you can’t go, so just tell her that with your work schedule, you won’t be able to make it. most venues need a headcount and it would be extremely stressful (especially with seating charts, etc.) to have someone that couldn’t commit. sorry if this is blunt.
Post # 8
I live in Alberta. Yaaaa Canada:D You are not being horrible. How could she not tell you, you were out of the party?? Something that I have learned over the years is life is too short to spend your time in a place you dont want to be. If you dont want to go, then dont. You could just tell her that you cant get the time off work but the next time you are in town you will have to get together for a drink to celebrate. If she chooses to be upset about that then that is on her. Good Luck:D
Post # 9
You’re not a horrible person for not going, but I agree with @vmec’s point. Either accept or decline the invitation, and just be honest about your reason (if you even give one). As the host, it’s annoying to get these wishy-washy responses, you know?
Post # 10
Just give her a definite answer if you will show up or not. Personally I would go because I’m always curious about how weddings like this will be.
Post # 11
is she really still a friend? If it wasn’t for FB, you prob wouldn’t even be in touch. You have out grown that friendship, and that’s okay. She is now an old friend (some would say an ex-friend for pulling that un-BM move she made…), I would even say she is an acquaintance. You do not need to put this much energy into someone you used to be close to.
You are not a bad person for not twisting your life and priorities to go to the wedding of someone you *used* to be close to. Send her a $50 gift card from the place she is registered and call it a day!
EDIT–wait, you told her ‘maybe’? Not a Yes or NO, just Maybe? Okay, I’ve changed my answer- you are a bad person for giving her a maybe. Do you even know how expensive a maybe can be? I had to eat $300 because 2 people didn’t make it to my wedding. Knew a few days before, but never bothered to tell me. Then again, i had to get my #’s to the venue a week before hand, but I could have invited some other people (who would not have been offended to be invited last minute, btw) and not just lost the money. Seriously, grow up and make a decision and tell her one way or another if you are going to show up.
Post # 12
Thank you everyone for the advice, it really does help!
My intention wasn’t to give a wishy-washy answer, I just honestly don’t know if I will or won’t be able to go. I think I’ll just let her know that I won’t be attending but will celebrate another time and send a card or what not.
Post # 13
@KoiKove: I gave her a ‘maybe’ because I wasn’t sure. She was actually happy that I might be able to make it versus not making it atall. And she is actually having a few people just attending the ceremony and not the reception. She was upset because I wasn’t 100% definately going to be there and didn’t want to put me on the list and then not make it. I have told her I will not be attending the reception (so she doesn’t spend money for someone who probably won’t make it) and she said that if at the last minute I could come I was more than welcome to attend the ceremony (which is free for her). So all is well.
Post # 14
I dont know how she even dare tell you she is upset that you wont be going, when she didnt have the decency to tell you she had changed her mind about you being a bridesmaid. i mean, if you’re not a good enough friend to be a bridesmaid, then she shouldnt be too upset at you not going.
its going to cost big time to attend, because its not just a drive there and back, its obviously an overnighter.
I too am pretty vindictive as someone above said, and i would tell the other friend, to let her know you wont be going……she seems to be the source of information apparently…. LOL
Dont beat yourself up about it, you’d also be a hypocrite to go if you dont believe in there union.
Post # 15
You DEF do NOT have to go. You’re barely even friends with her, she couldn’t even tell you you were no longer a bridesmaid (insult right there), and then just gives you an invitation to attend her wedding?
Of course she was upset because she probably wants as many people as possible at her wedding — maybe she has a number of people she needs at her venue, liek a quota to fulfill — and that’s why she’s upset. Who knows.
All I know is she sounds like a rude and inconsiderate person, who you don’t owe anything to.