(Closed) I need advice…FFIL and FI Issues

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If you want something done right, do it yourself.  If your Fiance can’t stand up to his father, perhaps you can call your Future Father-In-Law and calmly say, “I understand why you were angry at me, but you mistreated me.  You called me a horrible person and accused me of keeping your son away from you.  The truth is, I encourage him to go see you, but you seem to always be too busy.  You don’t need to forgive me; I did nothing wrong.  I did not call you and tell you that you were a horrible person and I didn’t want you at our wedding.  It was the other way around.”  

You could also try going to FI’s aunt again and be like, “I’m not sure what to do; he called me up and called me a horrible person and accused me of keeping his son away from him, and then he told Fiance that he forgives ME?”  But your Future Father-In-Law may see this as going behind his back.

Post # 5
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think that family relationships are really sensitive. Did you talk to him and hear about the conversation in detail. Maybe he just said “he forgives you” without thinking that MAYBE he really meant “I talked to my dad and he understands where you are coming from. It’s all good”

Post # 6
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I totally understand.  I stand up for my Fiance to my family and he stands up for me to his; that’s how it goes.  We pick people to share our lives with and part of that is standing up for them and making sure they’re treated right.

Your Fiance might still feel a little hesitant to say anything against your FSMIL, but I think this is certainly a thing that I would press.  If my Future Father-In-Law said that to me and my Fiance came back with a, “He forgives you,” I’d be livid.  I’d probably wait to cool down and then say to him that I understand that it’s difficult to stand up to his father but that his father really disrepected me and if the situations were reversed I’d go to bat for him, against anyone who disrespected him, and I need to know that he’ll do the same for me.  I’d ask him if he understood why I was angry at Future Father-In-Law and make sure he was on the same page as me, but yeah, I think I’d press it.

Post # 7
Member
4478 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I agree with you that your Fiance should have stood up for you.  You didn’t do anything wrong!  Your Future Father-In-Law and Future Mother-In-Law sound nutso.   Expecting an apology out of nutty people whose thinking’s that warped can be a pointless thing to hope for.  While they treated you like crap, I think you’re best taking the high road.  Demanding an apology might just fuel the fire with them.

 

The part that concerns me is the fact that your Fiance didn’t stand up for you.  If you guys are going to spend your lives together, he needs to back you up 100% of the time.  And that means supporting you regardless of what his family says.  You should not be treated like crap, and he should defend you from HIS father.  The biggest problems I’ve seen with in-laws have involved the spouse giving in to their parents instead of supporting their spouse.  This is unacceptable and you shouldn’t put up with it.

Post # 8
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I do think you need to talk about it, but maybe after a little more “cooling off”. Does he have the kind of relationship with is father/SM that he can stand up to them about other things? If not, he might need to learn. Or he might not understand what that meant to you. He might not have thought it through.

Post # 10
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think it’s important to sort this out before you get married.  It’s not like a, he cheated on me! issue, but it’s definitely something that will cause tension if it’s not addressed.

If he’s worried that you want him to “make a fuss” it might really help to have a third party try and explain to him what you’re really trying to say, so the pre-marriage counseling sounds like a good idea.  I mean, what happens if you have kids and your Future Father-In-Law starts having opinions about how you’re raising them?  Or if they start insisting that you spend every holiday with them on their time or you’re a bad DIL?  Or if a mutual friend starts badtalking you to or in front of FI?  You want him to support you, and you want to support him.  If he doesn’t, it can lead to so much resentment, I don’t think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill in the slightest.

It might also help if you can think of a situation where you’ve had his back; even if he didn’t realize you were actively trying to support him, he probably appreciates that you did and might understand that you’re looking for that sort of thing.

I thought I should add that I think most couples go through this to some degree.  My sister didn’t even resolve this with her SO until after they were married; he’s a wonderful guy, he’s just really submissive to his mom and sisters because he loves them and that’s all he’s ever done.  It’s an adjustment.

Post # 11
Member
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@JessChris1020:  

Firstly, I definitely agree with abirdwordabirdword that sometimes, expecting an apology from truly unreasonable people is moot. I do agree that your Future Father-In-Law and his wife SHOULD be apologizing to you, but it doesn’t sound like it’s likely going to happen. I’d say accept this “forgiveness” nonsense and contiue planning your wedding. If they don’t show due to a football game, those actions speak for themselves.  You’re not making anyone look bad or starting any trouble. And as far as accusing you of coming between your Fiance and his dad, I’m 100% certain that his dad missing his son’s wedding for a sports game (and it sounds like it’s because of the step-mom not wanting to miss the game) indicates some trouble in the relationship that OBVIOUSLY has nothing to do with you. And honestly, I think they are already a bit ashamed of themselves. As soon as they were called out by the aunt, they wigged out. Perhaps that’s why Future Father-In-Law can’t bring himself to apologize? Nobody likes to admit they screwed up, maybe this is his way of trying?

As far as the Fiance not standing up for you issue, the only thing I can say for this particular instance (I’m only going on the information provided) is that A) maybe it didn’t go down quite as you imagined and he DID stand up for you, but since his father seems a bit…stubborn… he just wasn’t hearing or understanding what your Fiance was saying. Or B), maybe your Fiance realized it was a losing battle and just tried to smooth things over as best he could? 

I’d say, get through the wedding planning business as best as you can. You may just have to bite the bullet (and maybe even a few more) with these people, so that you can enjoy your day. Keep your date and venue, and maintain your cool. You only have one wedding and you deserve to enjoy it! You’ll have plenty of other holidays and family get togethers in the future to work out the other issues. The step-mom sounds like she’ll see to that o.O

The topic ‘I need advice…FFIL and FI Issues’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors