Post # 1
When my Fiancé started to talk about marriage we were going through a rough patch (we have been together since high school). He apologized for his wrongs and wanted to get married asap, and once our families found out things just went into overdrive. In addition, with my Dad’s health problems we began to plan a wedding to take place in 8 months. However, a lot happened during that 8 months and we decided to postpone the wedding. Now, it is time to start planning again and he is very nonchalant, “its no rush to get married we are going to be together forever, so we can just take our time”. However, he has stated to me how things would change once we were married, and I want those changes sooner than later.
Am I foolish for thinking things will change once we are married? Shouldn’t they since I will be his wife, wouldn’t that mean more, isn’t that the point of getting married.
He went from let’s get married before the end of the year, to lets wait until next year, to we can wait until you finish your masters. It makes me uncomfortable that at first he was so involved with everything and it was so urgent, but now its not. Am I reading too much into this?
Post # 3
I just have two questions:
1) What are the things he apologized for? He apologized for his wrongs and wanted to get married asap
and 2) What changes is he promising once you’re married?
Post # 4
He sounds like he can’t make up his mind…
And, I wouldn’t bet on him changing (at least not for the better) once you get married. Yes you will be his wife, which should mean something, but you will also be legally tied to him, therefore making it harder to leave.
Post # 5
@williamsbride25: You shouldn’t expect things to change once you’re married. I don’t know a single person who has actually changed after getting married. My mom’s second husband expected things to change after they got married, and then left shortly after he realised they weren’t going to. If he wants to change things, he should be doing it now, not after the wedding. I’m also curious what he apologized for and what he thinks will change, but that’s more out of curiosity and to determine the direction I think your relationship is headed, rather than because it has anything to do with your question of weather or not things will change. They won’t.
Post # 6
One more thing. The point of getting married is not to change things, nor to make the relationship “mean more”. Sorry, but that’s just niave and wishful thinking.
Also, it’s possible that his attitude towards the wedding date has changed simply because it was postponed, rather than as a sign towards your general relationship status/trouble level. Hope that makes sense.
Post # 7
I have to ask what exactly did he apologize for? And did he elaborate on the changes that will take place after marriage?
Post # 8
I am also curious as to what else has changed in your relationship in the interim…
What changes have YOU made to the dynamic… for example, were you guys living together previously… and if not, are you living together now ?
If so, he’s just gotten really comfy in “this” vs “that”… happens often to men (“No rush to get married we are going to be together forever, so we can just take our time”).
Is what makes me think that other things have changed as well overall
Post # 9
@williamsbride25: Am I foolish for thinking things will change once we are married?
Sorry, but yes – putting a ring on his finger and signing a piece of paper does not change a person. You get married because you cannot imagine being without the other person, and want to share the rest of your life with them. But those feelings, and the way you treat your partner, do no change after you’re married. You’re basically just making it official and promising to be there for them – but if you’re not already treating your partner right and being true to them before marriage, a ceremony will not change that. It’s making a committment, not changing who the person is.
Post # 10
Someone once told me – “There is no magic in marriage. What you bring to the altar is what will leave the altar.”
Post # 11
Our relationship is difficult to discuss so please excuse the vagueness, however, do not go soft on me I need to hear the truth.
Four years ago I caught him talking (all that I can prove) to another female. I was through with him, then he has an epiphany and says he can’t loose me, he’s ready to commit. A year later we’re engaged. During that 8 months mentioned above I found him talking to another female, I gave back the ring and asked how could you ask me to marry you, is this how you would treat your wife? He says he would never do that if I were his wife.
So far he is in the clear, he recently re-proposed and with two years of good behavior I accepted and we set a date. We do live together so I am sure of the past two years, but I feel foolish. I can’t help it I love him so much, he is perfect for me minus his prior behavior we complete each other.
I joined this site to post my wedding dress under the classifieds because of a death in the family I no longer wanted a ceremony. But in reading all these blogs I began to re-evaluate some things. My family loves him so much they suggest I forgive him and get married we are young he made some mistakes…. my uncle says that is what happens when you play house and that he has no commitment to me being I’m not his wife (I disagree).
So there what do you think
Post # 12
A red flag raised up for me when you mentioned him talking to other females especially while you were engaged. It feels like he may be getting cold feet or is either afraid of committing. If I was in your shoes I wouldn’t be able to ever forget his past behavior and it will always be one of my concerns.
Also, I do agree with the other bees who commented about things getting better once you married. If he cannot treat you the way you deserve now then do not expect him to do so just because you are married. If he thinks you are his soulmate and truly “the one” for him then he would demonstrate it to you.
Post # 13
Things don’t change once you get married – if anything, they get worse not better. If he can’t treat you the way you deserve now, he’s not going to do it once you’re married. All marriage does is make it harder and more expensive to leave.
In my eyes, dating, then living together and engagements, are trial marriages. It’s all about learning if you can/should be together forever. If you can’t do it during the “trial” then you’re not going to be able to do it for the real deal.
Him saying he wouldn’t do xyz if you were his wife is a total bunch of B.S.
Post # 14
Talking to other females? While you were enaged? What did the conversations entail? Were they sexual/cheating in nature?
Don’t expect him to change after marriage – what you see is what you get.
I agree with MrsWBS that him saying he wouldn’t do xyz if you were his wife is a total bunch of B.S.
Post # 15
Nothing changes when you get married, except that suddenly you’re faced with the reality of each others’ expectations. How he treats you now is exactly precisely how he will treat you when you’re married. Being on the other side of the I Do’s doesn’t make someone suddenly start treating you better than he did when he was trying to win you.
Your uncle is repeating a worldview of a previous generation that denigrated living together before marriage.
Everything you’re saying makes me think that marrying this man is ill-advised. He Re-proposed? Why even be in a relationship in which that is necessary?
Post # 16
I’m sorry, but nothing will change once you’re married. There’s not some magic button that is hit when you say “I do.”