Post # 1
I have an issue. I’m the MOH for one of my best friend’s. We are both getting married this year and I’m so excited we get to be big parts of each other’s day. I want to be the best MOH that I can be and do not want to disappoint her.
Here is my problem: when my friend asked me to be her MOH last fall, she said that since she knows I’m busy (graduate student, planning my own wedding, and live in a different state) that she & her mom would try to take on more of the planning of things. I thought that was thoughtful since I am awfully busy. About a month later she told me that they are planning a destination bachelorette party. I was really hesitant about it but didn’t want to disappoint her so I acted excited. She asked me to contact the bridesmaids to give them all the details.
The other bridesmaids have full time jobs and seemed really excited about this trip. All but one said that they could afford close to $1000 for the weekend. This made me a little sick since right now I’m a full-time student intern and am not working. I told the bride that I’m worried about finances and did not think I could afford the budget that everyone else set. She was so sweet and told me that she would help me out and even lend me money for the weekend.
However, since that conversation, we haven’t talked much about the bachelorette. I feel like she feels awkward bringing it up to me and I feel the same way. And here is a main problem:I’m coming to realize I just cannot afford to go on this trip. I have about $600 in savings to last me until I graduate and get a job. I graduate the weekend before her bachelorette party and am moving the week of the party. So there is no income to afford the party. I cannot even find enough money right now to pay for the $300 flight.
I feel terrible because I originally went along with this party idea and acted excited. I’m the MOH so I should be the one that goes all out for it. I just do not think it is possible. I have my own wedding I’m trying to save for and spending $1000+ on a party weekend makes me feel sick. I’m the opposite of a partier (very introverted, don’t drink) and I know that this weekend will be drinking non-stop.
If I was your MOH, how disappointed would you be in me? How should I approach her? She already knows that I am broke but I don’t think she really understands since her parents are very generous so she assumes my parents would be the same way (they are not) and help me out. I also feel guilty now paying for anything extra for my wedding because I worry she will be thinking about how I could have used that money for the party. Should I just suck it up, borrow the $1000 from the bride or someone else, and attend the party?
Post # 3
@jeg14: I would come right out and tell her that you’re having trouble coming up with the money and you’re on a tight budgt. I mean, you said she would help you out if needed, right? Just talk to her. Btw, I think $1000 for a weekend trip is a little ridiculous…
Post # 4
If I was the bride in this situation and my MOH couldn’t come I would be a little disappointed. However, I would be completely understanding of your situation. Of course I would be a little sad that my best friend couldn’t make it but I would also realize that $1000 is a lot of money no matter what the situation is.
My husband and I both make a very comfortable salary. I could afford a $1000 trip but I would not spend that much on a bachelorette party so I think it’s perfectly reasonable for you to not go. I also would not want to owe a friend that kind of money. My rule is to not go into debt for “fun” things and this would certainly fall into the “fun” category.
Just tell her you can’t afford it sooner rather than later.
Post # 5
@jeg14: I think you should tell her. From your post it sounds like she didn’t exactly tell you all the details (especially in terms of money), so I think an honest discussion with her of your finances versus what you’re expected to pay would go a long way. It seems that the other girls are excited, so it doesn’t sound like you’d be leaving the bride high and dry with no one to help. You should not be expected to whip out $1000 (which seems a lot, IMO) for this wedding.
Post # 5
I’m sorry, but $1,000 for a bachelorette party is insane. I would just be honest and tell her that you can’t afford it. I don’t see how anyone could. That is so much money! I am MOH for my best friend who is getting married 3 months before me. We are both in school for our undergraduate degrees, and I don’t plan on spending more than a couple hundred on shower, gift, bachelorette, dress, shoes, etc. I wouldn’t even be able to afford that if not for my mom and FI helping me out.
Post # 6
I would be disappointed, but I also wouldn’t want my party to put someone in debt or mess them up financially. That is A LOT of money for one weekend. My mindset is if you choose to have a party like bachelorette or wedding out of the area for people, you should expect many people can’t come — even your nearest and dearest.
I would def talk to her sooner than later and say you are disappointed because you really want to go to celebrate her and it sounds like a blast, but you don’t have the money nor can you pay her back at a reasonable time (even if she insists say you are not comfortable with it). If she’s a true friend, she will understand and not make you feel bad about it.
It does suck because the BMs are able to go and not the MOH, but try not to let that hang you up. It’s strictly a matter of money and you are student so they should understand!
Post # 8
Thinking about the relationship between me and my MOH, I would be a little sad but of course I would understand. It already costs the bridal party a decent amount to be in the wedding, so it stands to reason that you just can’t afford EVERYTHING. I also think $1000 EACH for the bachelorette party is pretty outrageous. It surprises me that she is expecting that, knowing that you have your own wedding to plan for. I totally understand your feelings, but try not to feel guilty about spending that money on your wedding. I just think the timing is unfortunate, but if you explain your situation to her (again, it looks like) and she really wants you there then she’ll find a way to make it work. Or she’ll have to understand that you can’t.
Post # 7
jeg14: I’d sit down with her and have a heart to heart.
Explain that you simply can’t afford to pay for it. You have been trying to save up for it, and make it part of your budget, but with only x amount to last you until you finish school, and with moving and bills, it just isn’t feasible for you to be there with them in person. Perhaps you can swing a hundred bucks to send a gift basket to the place they’re going, so that they know you’re thinking of them?
If she pushes and says that she’ll pay for you and that you can pay her back when you’re more flush, or that there must be some way (parents) for you to scrape together the cash, then you can let her know that with your educational expenses, taking on debt, especially to friends, makes you uncomfortable. You can also let her know how sorry you are that you didn’t voice your concerns earlier, but you were feeling self-conscious about your lack of income and financial situation in light of how excited that everyone was about the plans.
Post # 9
I’d love to know what the gals are getting and doing for $1,000 for the weekend! Let’s hear the details! I would never spend that, nor expect my friends to do so. N.E.V.E.R.