(Closed) I Need Bridesmaid Advice

posted 10 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Oh, I’m so sorry to hear about your fiance’s mother. That’s so difficult for the both of you.

As far as the bridesmaid goes, is she very good friends with your fiance? When you emailed her information about the service, did you explicitly say you wanted her to be there? Some people feel strange about funerals and whether or not to attend. 

Post # 4
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

I’m so sorry to hear about your fiance’s mother.

 I think amysue is right. Some people don’t know how to react when there’s a tragedy. I had a similar situation occur (but it was my father-in-law who passed away). Certain friends showed up while others did not. Its hard to put yourself in that situation if you’ve never had to face a loved one passing away. So perhaps your bridesmaid just wasnt thinking or did not know what to do.

Post # 5
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Obviously your FI’s mother’s passing is really hard on both you and him.  Your wedding party, depending upon their level of closeness to your Fiance, is less affected.  I would talk to your Bridesmaid or Best Man – after you have had a little time to think about it.  While its certainly reasonable of you to expect your friends to support you and your Fiance through this, attending a funeral is not a normal Bridesmaid or Best Man duty… and people do have different attitudes about death and grief.  I tend to feel as out of place at a funeral where I didn’t directly know the deceased as I do at a wedding where I don’t actually know the bride or groom.  You should try to understand why your friend didn’t attend the funeral before you pull her from the wedding or write her off as a friend. 

You should maybe also remember that not everybody checks their email every day – or feels any obligation to – and that email is a pretty informal method of communication.  You say that you emailed her information about the service – but not whether you specifically requested her to attend with you.  Perhaps if it was really important to you to have her there, you could have picked up the phone and called her ahead of time, or had your Maid/Matron of Honor do that for all the BMs.

Post # 6
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Obviously your FI’s mother’s passing is really hard on both you and him.  Your wedding party, depending upon their level of closeness to your Fiance, is less affected.  I would talk to your Bridesmaid or Best Man – after you have had a little time to think about it.  While its certainly reasonable of you to expect your friends to support you and your Fiance through this, attending a funeral is not a normal Bridesmaid or Best Man duty… and people do have different attitudes about death and grief.  I tend to feel as out of place at a funeral where I didn’t directly know the deceased as I do at a wedding where I don’t actually know the bride or groom.  You should try to understand why your friend didn’t attend the funeral before you pull her from the wedding or write her off as a friend. 

You should maybe also remember that not everybody checks their email every day – or feels any obligation to – and that email is a pretty informal method of communication.  You say that you emailed her information about the service – but not whether you specifically requested her to attend with you.  Perhaps if it was really important to you to have her there, you could have picked up the phone and called her ahead of time, or had your Maid/Matron of Honor do that for all the BMs.

Post # 7
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

have you given much thought to the fact that some people deal with loss differently than others?  this world is not always cut and dry, or black/white. we operate in a huge grey area…

some people dont "like" sad functions, and while the perception may be that she did not care, it may well be that she does care, and just doesnt like funerals/services and doesnt have the emotional ability to deal with death.

if you’re set on escorting her out of your Bridal Party -think of the implications of your actions – will you be ok with your friendship taking a new path? do you even want to remain friends with her based on her not showing up to the services?  has this specific Bridesmaid or Best Man ever done anything to you personally?

when my mother passed away, 3 of my cousins did not show up b/c it was too hard for them – i cant fault them for not coming – that was their choice – and i understood. i didnt take it as a sign of disrespect, rather, while i was disappointed, i also accepted that it was hard for them – my mom was their favorite auntie and maybe it was just too hard to come to grips with saying goodbye.

when their mother passed away  i declined the offer to give the eulogy – it’s not to say that i did not respect my aunt – but it was too hard for me -and they understood. i didnt ever think to not include them in my wedding b/c they didnt show up to my mother’s services.

attending funerals is not easy – it makes us face mortality and in most  instances, it’s heartbreaking to see the loved ones left behind try and cope.  there’s a sense of helplessness b/c we really cannot do anything to make their pain go away. just a side note – after my aunt passed away, my cousins and i all went out drinking and club-hopping – some may say that was disrespectful, but it was a way to "forget" the pain of losing someone so dear. it was also a way to be "normal" b/c trust me when i say that when you lose a parent, the whole world as you know it is never the same.  

if you do let her go – take it easy on her. i personally would not, but that’s just me. if she actually did something "bad" to me, like hmmm maybe hit on my FH or start bad-mouthing me or whatever, then yes – let her go, but in this instance, i think you should understand that people have their own way of dealing with things. 

we cant always expect people to behave they way we think they should or how would.

good luck!

p.s. dont be surprised if GFs and members of your Bridal Party start being testy with you as your wedding gets closer also… weddings and funerals bring out a different side of people…  

Post # 8
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 1993

I too, am so sorry about your fiance’s mother. I hope that you and your fiance are finding solace in each other during this difficult time.

You have every reason to feel hurt, upset, and want to kick her out of the wedding. Although I agree that this situation may have been awkward for your bridesmaid, as a true friend she would have either (a) discussed this with you and offered you support despite not attending (if she felt uncomfortable) or (b) been there to support you and your fiance regardless of her own feelings about the situation.

I think that you should talk to her about what happened and let her know how upset you are about her lack of support. By agreeing to stand up for you on one of the most important days of your life, she should recognize that she should also demonstrate support in other very important situations, such as this one. If she is understanding and apologetic about her behavior, I would encourage you to consider letting her stay in the bridal party. If she is flippant or shows no understanding in regards to your feelings, I would encourage you to remove her from the bridal party. Obviously this decision could end your friendship, so consider how much you value your relationship with her before you make such a big decision. 

Whatever decision you make, she should have been there to show support for you, your fiance’ and his family and I’m sorry that she neglected her duties as a friend during this difficult time.

Post # 9
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I am really sorry to hear about your Future Mother-In-Law. I too lost somoene to cancer a few days ago. My heart goes out to you and your family.

As for your bridesmaid, I really hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but unless I was BFFs and mean forever friends with the bride and groom and spent long hours on a regular basis with the Future Mother-In-Law I can’t possibly see how you can expect her to attened the funeral for someone she didn’t even really know, or only have the honor of meeting once or twice.

I apologize if you all were very very close and the Bridesmaid or Best Man did know her extremely well.  I coulnd’t gather from your post weather or not this was the case.

I know you wanted support on this tough day, but to expect pepople to show up on your behalf to comfort you isn’t right. Your friend has a life outside your wedding and the details of it. Being your bridesmaid doesn’t obligate her to all your family functions, rahter happy or sad from the time she accepted the position utnil the wedding day.

Sometimes this is hard for me to remember as I have a "distant bridesmaid" from time to time. But I have to remind myself, she has a family, and obligations and I can not demand or even expect she come to everything.

My Grandfather died 2 days ago of cancer as well, and I certianly will not be expecting any of my wedding party to show up, even the few that had the opportunity to meet him. This is a time for family and friendwho knew him well, and shared in his life. I do not need an entorouge to accompany me, nor does Mr S – he will be there in support of me and my grieveing for my loss and that is how it should be. To be honest I think that my family would find it rude for me to show up with a pack of friends.

I really do not mean to sound rude by any means but I do feel like you are being incredibly unreasonable and that maybe yor emotions of losing a close loved one is clouding your judgement right now. I say that you should give this some time and a lot of thought. 

I wish you the best and apologize again for your loss.

Please think about this decision ebfore you make it.  

Post # 10
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2007

I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your Future Mother-In-Law.  I know this has been hard on you and your Fiance.  Did your Bridesmaid or Best Man know your FI’s mom at all?  If she doesn’t, is she a really close friend to your FI? 

If not, thinking from the point of view of your Bridesmaid or Best Man, I would feel like someone asked me to attend the funeral of a relative of a friend of a friend – broadly speaking.  To be honest, if I didn’t have to, I would not want to give up an entire day and put myself in a depressing environment if I felt like my presence would not help anything.  If you were really devastated, depressed, and a mess, then yes, I would be there for *your* sake.  But if you are ok, maybe a bit distraught for your Fiance, then I would let the funeral be for those who knew and loved your Future Mother-In-Law.

Post # 12
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

It is hard to realize that you maybe can’t count on your friends the way you would like to be able to.  It can be easy to write off certain behaviors (Oh, that’s just the way she is!) in a lot of circumstances, as when your friend cancels shopping or brunch because she’s hungover.  But at some point you do begin to wonder about her priorities – and it sounds like this is that point.

Of course, it is possible to be friends with someone despite their failings.  I have a lot of friends, and only a few that I know I can really count on no matter what.  There are people you hang out with, and people you confide in, and then there are the people who would get in their car at 2:00 in the morning and drive to the airport to be on the first flight to wherever you are (and there aren’t very many of them).

If you think you can still be friends with your Bridesmaid or Best Man, although maybe not the same kind of friends you thought you were, I would consider keeping her in the wedding.  It might be hard to make that decision right now, when you still feel let down by her actions.  Probably its a good idea to have a talk with her, when you can do that without being too upset, and let her know how you feel about her behavior.  However its useful to remember that every friend doesn’t have to be the kind who will be there no matter what – having a few "situational" friends, as long as you understand their limitations, isn’t necessarily bad.

Post # 13
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

If she was close to them, then there is no reason for her to at least make an honorable appearance. One that didn’t have her showing up in jeans and looking hung over.

It sounds like drinking could be a factor in her life, though maybe it’s just because of her age (I know at 21-25 I drank  much more then I would dare to now or want to)  

Not too long back I booted a Bridesmaid or Best Man, she was unclear on things, complained about everything from the dress, the shoes, cost of everything, not wanting to throw me or even attened a shower (where gifts we not expected) because she couldn’t afford it, and told me to change my food because she couldn’t eat those things (wouldn’t is more like it)

She was my Maid/Matron of Honor, I tossed her out (after trying for several weeks to talk with her and reason and she woulnd’t have it) and I feel great about it. She held me down, left me worrying about if she was going to be realiable – and I didn’t need that Debbie Downer on my big day.

So basically, as I blab on and on. If you really don’t feel that she’s ready to at least give you the time that is needed for the wedding, and you worry she might "flake" out then talk with her and if the two of you can’t resolve things, then ask her to step out.

 

 

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