Post # 1
I am thinking about calling the wedding off. We haven’t sent out our invitations and I just keep not wanting too because of this feeling. I was sexually abused as a child for years of my life, and was finally able to admit the entire thing to my fiance. He knew something happened to me, but did not know what. I didn’t feel like we could get married without him knowing. The abuser is a family member, and its a secret that I’ve kept my entire life.
My fiance and his family are the best people I’ve ever met, they really are. I also would not have come this far in my life without the emotional support he has given me. Something just doesn’t feel right though. I don’t know if it’s cold feet, or if I just need time to process what’s happened to me. I am scared to talk to him about it because he recently bought a house and I moved in, and everything just seems so “perfect”. I worry about what will happen if I leave.
I also feel like there are things I haven’t done so that we could be together. I felt it was a choice between him and the experiences I wanted–but now I don’t know. I feel self-centered because I keep thinking about what I haven’t done, but I know he’ll feel like I chose other things over being with him.
Post # 3
You really need to talk to him about this. Have you going to counseling? Maybe you need to talk to someone about what happened to you. I think that you might want to consider postponing your wedding until you get a grip on what happened to you and feel like everything is under control with your Fiance.
I do think that everyone thinks about the things that they didn’t have a chance to do but it’s done now so it’s not like you can take that back. But you can try and have as many experiences as you can in the future with him by your side.
Post # 4
Is there a pastor or somebody local you can talk to about your feelings?
Post # 5
I think you should definitely seek counseling regarding your abuse, especially since it’s a secret you’ve kept your entire life, and have only recently shared with your fiancé.
What sort of experiences do you feel you missed out on in order to be with your FH? I think some of those feelings are totally normal “cold feet” feelings, but I guess it would depend on what you feel like you missed out on. If it’s something like going back to school, or pursuing a work related dream/goal, or traveling – can you work towards those things together?
Post # 6
I am so sorry to hear about what happened. I agree that you should seek counseling, but please take the extra time to look up credentials. I’m sure that many pastors/unlicensed therapists are great, but Psychologists are given much more training to better help you through this time that someone without extensive scientific training just cannot predict or understand. Most Psychologists work with a sliding scale for payment, so money should not be a huge problem.
What does your Fiance think about this? has he been supportive, have you been keeping him in the loop in regards to your emotion?
Post # 7
I agree that counseling is really important to help you cope with and manage your feelings about this. I think through that you can find a way to discuss postponing the wedding with your Fiance in a way that will help him see you just need time to sort things out for yourself. It sounds like he is really supportive, so I think it’d be worth it to continue your relationship and see if it can adapt along with you while you integrate what happened to you in your life. (Hugs)
Post # 8
You need to get yourself into personal counseling for this straightaway. Did you ever receive any for the sexual abuse? It seems to me that you’ve been carrying the secret of the abuse around with you for your whole life and that it’s affecting every aspect of it. I think that’s why you’re having these feelings of cold feet, not because anything is wrong with your fiance or your relationship with him. Please get help. If money is an issue, check out your local college or university for a graduate center counseling clinic. My thoughts are with you.
Post # 9
I have to agree with these ladies- counseling is the way to go. My mom was sexually abused as a child, and she’s just now coming to terms with it, and it’s a difficult thing to do. My dad is there for her, though, and is being super supportive. Please, go get help. Good luck to you, my thoughts are with you.
Post # 10
It sounds like you need more time to work through your feelings. In the process, you may realize that you shouldn’t be getting married to this person, but that’s not a decision you need to make now. Rather, you can give yourself time to figure out what’s going on. If you need a referral to a counselor experienced with survivors of sexual abuse, you can look up support centers here: http://centers.rainn.org/
Good luck taking care of yourself.