(Closed) I need help.

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 1
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I have made a random account at 4 am because Im desperate for support and advice. I’m on my iPhone so please excuse any weird typos. 

 

I am engaged to the love of my life. He takes care of me, provides for me, and loves me like mad. Our wedding is in less than one year. I’d say that our biggest relationship issue is his family. A lot has went down with them, which is enough for a whole ‘nother post so I will skip all of that. He works non stop and I know he is stressed alot and very tired. I try to be as easy going as possible. I am very quick to let things go, even quicker to forgive. I grew up in an extremely abusive and dysfunctional household and it has taught me bad habits I guess. 

 

Well to get to the damn point. I think my fiance has a drinking problem. Whenever he has one too many, he turns into a monster. One beer, two, is never enough. He gets drunk and acts like someone I have never met before. I get physically sick over it. There’s no love or compassion. He gets mean and aggressive and usually repeats things over and over again such as “yeah it’s always MY fault, I do everything wrong!” Or “what’s the point anymore”. It’s shocking every time. Our relationship is actually really healthy. We are happy 95 percent of the time. We laugh together every single day. I don’t know what is causing this. 

 

he has thrown things in anger, taken my keys, yelled, and has threatened to leave the house and drive drunk. However he has not ever called me names, hit me, or threaten me in any way. I forgive him quickly and easily every single time. I have asked him to stop drinking but he thinks that is unfair. I guess I’m asking for advice on how to move forward. Obviously we could try counseling. but what can I do myself to change this pattern?

 

tonight for example I got home from work and he immediately left for the bar with his friends. I was fine with it. But then he wouldn’t respond to calls or texts. 4 hours later no call or text. 5 hours later icall and say please come home. He says he’s leaving. 2 hrs later he is still there. I was up waiting for him until 3 in the morning. When he got home I was obviously upset. I said it was ridiculous that he couldn’t keep in touch. He immediately started yelling and freaking out. That is not who he is, that is not how our relationship is. He went out for a beer and wings. He came home at 3 drunk and angry. i was sobbing. My father was an alcoholic and it really brings back terrible memories. I worry I’m making a bad decision marrying him. I worry he will never change. 

Post # 3
Member
3371 posts
Sugar bee

@ACryForHelp:  Honey, you know that this is not a good situation. You know that. Your husband should not ever make you afraid. He’s needs help, as in AA and personal counseling and probably couples couseling ASAP or you need to leave. It only takes one time for him to lose his temper for you to end up dead. And the first time my ex took it from throwing to hitting shocked the hell out of me as well.But it only gets worse. If he’s willing to do the work he can still fix this, but the way things are now is not acceptable. The longer you take it the more you teach him that it’s really not that bad and the easier you let him slip in the zone where he has no respect for you. Don’t let this slide, please!

Post # 4
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. It’s unfair and awful you’re being treated like this.

Counselling, together preferably otherwise individually so you can get some help would be good for you. I don’t know if there’s anything you can do to change his pattern of behaviour; only he can do that. You can only encourage him to take the steps he needs to change it.

How often have you spoken to him about this when he’s not drunk/impaired? Has he acknowledged this is an issue for you? 

 

Post # 5
Member
2285 posts
Buzzing bee

Do not marry this man!

I strongly recommend not living with him either.

He may not be hitting you, threatening you, or calling you names, but that doesn’t mean that what he’s doing is acceptable. It is inappropriate behavior and it should not be put up with. It could escalate at any time. 

This is an issue that affects both of you, but it is his problem. You can’t change this. He has to change it. 

If he is denying he has an issue and does not want to change, you should leave him. If you can’t bear to end the relationship, at least stop living with him. Protect yourself first, try to reason with him later. If you try to reason with him and he stays in denial or refuses to change, please end the relationship. Do not go from one abusive, dysfunctional home to another. 

 

Honestly, I think you should end this relationship and start getting counseling for yourself. The fact that you think this is a healthy relationship and that you may be about to get into a marriage that mimics the abusive, dysfunctional home you came from leads me to believe that you have unhealthy and rather warped views of what a healthy relationship is.

Please take some time to be on your own and work on yourself. Oftentimes, being single and working on yourself are what’s necessary to have healthy relationships. 

Post # 6
Member
973 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

“He takes care of me, provides for me, and loves me like mad.”… no, no he doesn’t, at least not in a healthy way if this is a regular thing.

“That is not who he is, that is not how our relationship is.”… yes, yes it is, or this wouldn’t happen at all.

“My father was an alcoholic and it really brings back terrible memories.”… sadly it sounds like you are with a man just like your father, or well on his way.  We frequently (unconsciously) try to fix what was broken growing up or in previous relationships by finding someone who is similiar and trying to make it turn out different… it rarely does. 🙁  ETA: what we need to learn is to NOT accept or try to fix those things and deal with what happened in a healthy way.

“but what can I do myself to change this pattern?”… First and most important you CAN NOT change him.  YOU can only change YOU.  Do not accept this behavior, and do not make this your life.  I strongly think you need counselling, and al-anon meetings would likely help too.

It is possible he’ll change, but it’s not likely until HE thinks his life is bad and HE wants to.  YOU need to take care of you and do what you need for YOU… no matter what he does.  You can hope he gets himself straightened out, but do everything you do because you want to take care of yourself and do right by yourself. 

“he has thrown things in anger, taken my keys, yelled, and has threatened to leave the house and drive drunk. However he has not ever called me names, hit me, or threaten me in any way.”  … these are NOT things that happen in a healthy relationship.  You are sadly very wrong when you say:  “Our relationship is actually really healthy”.  I understand that it is except when it isn’t… and it’s those “when it isn’t” times make it not healthy overall.  Good relationships have ups and downs, irritations and bad days, arguements… but not the things you mentioned.  Just because he isn’t hitting you or calling you names does not mean it’s a healthy relationship or place for you (or anyone!).

If I lived with a man who turned into a monster when he drank I’d tell him (when he was sober) that that was totally out of line, and if it happens again I’m moving out.  And if it did I would, I’d actually start planning ASAP and have a plan in case it did happen again.

Please take care of yourself and look after yourself.

 

 

 

Post # 7
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@jadlnc:  

@foxtrot:  

thanks for your responses. I think that what eats at me the most is that I don’t know where this comes from. I don’t know why he does this. I don’t know what he’s angry about. we have great communication when we are sober. We always express ourselves and I always know when he’s upset. So why the anger when he drinks? Why does he need to drink? I really feel in my heart that I bring this out in people. Like there’s something about me that I need to change in order for them to change. It hurts. 

He has in the past acknowledged it was an issue but usually that is forgotten about within a day or two. He sees these episodes as regular old arguments And tries to make me feel like im making it a huge deal. He’ll deny things he said and things that happened. But he is not black out drunk. So it makes no sense. 

Post # 8
Member
973 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

“I really feel in my heart that I bring this out in people”… this is why you need to talk to someone.  Nothing anyone else does is YOUR fault.  You didn’t cause it, you don’t deserve it, you don’t have any part in it other than the aftermath.  Most of all you don’t have to!  YOU have the choice to not put up with this to say “I deserve to not be treated like this” and leave and even split up if you have to.

“I don’t know why he does this.”… it doesn’t matter.  What matters is it’s wrong and hurtful to you.  You aren’t in his head, you can’t be in his head, only he knows and he may not admit the reasons why even to himself, much less you (or anyone else).  I decided at some point that I’m glad I don’t understand why people do messed up or hurtful things… because if I did I’d be where they are and obviously that’s not a happy place if they need to hurt others or do harmful things to themselves.

What matters is “this person is doing hurtful things to me”.  What matters is you not allowing it, whatever the reasons why he does it.

Post # 9
Member
3371 posts
Sugar bee

@ACryForHelp:  He has a disease. And alcohol changes his thought processes. This is part of the person that he is. He needs help, but you are not the one who can help him. He needs a doctor and serious treatment. To try and put it in simpler terms, he can’t control this, but that doesn’t mean it’s acceptable. Regardless of whether or not he admits with words that he has a problem, his actions are showing that he does not understand how much of a problem it is.

My abusive ex, all the time denied that he ever did that, denied that it happened that way, said that I was overreacting or said I must have done something to make him act that way. It’s a coping mechanism so they don’t have to feel guilty about they way they act. If you leave you’ll have your answer. Either he will shape up real fast and start going to AA and seek counselling or he will continue on and let you go. I know it hurts, but it’s got to be done. You also need to learn that you are worth more than this. You deserve better than this.

Post # 10
Member
3026 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I’m sorry, but I agree. If he’s not appalled enough to change his behavior, he is in denial b/c he’s an alcoholic. He won’t change– probably not even if you leave him.

I don’t know what to tell you. Best case scenario is that he’ll agree to counseling or that you seriously talking about leaving will be his “hitting bottom”– but I wouldn’t count on that.

I’m sure he loves you, but that is probably not enough to combat his disease. 🙁

 

Post # 11
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@ACryForHelp:  you are not responsible for his behaviour. You are only responsible for your behaviour, and your choices.

This is not an issue to be forgotten after a few days, because it is recurrent. If he is willing to accept his issue and his behaviour, then I hope through conselling and effort you can work toward a happy, safe future. If not, your initial post suggests your future won’t be happy and safe, therefore you will have a hard decision to make.

You are only not responsible for  or the cause of the behaviours and addictions you’ve seen around you. You are only responsible for making choices that bring you safety and happiness. 

Post # 12
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@MrsTangerine:  

@jadlnc:  

youre right. I know you’re right. He is asleep on the couch now and I am in the bedroom. tho guess my plan is to pack up in the morning and give the ring back atleast for now. I’ve threatened to leave so many times that its almost silly that I haven’t yet. 

I don’t want to sound like I’m perfect though and do nothing wrong. I’m alot to deal with sometimes. Maybe sometimes i shouldnt even bring up an argument when i know hes drinking. I’ve noticed he tends to drink after something happens with his family. I feel he takes it out on me. He gets stressed out and suddenly NEEDS to have loads of fun and party all night and if someone bursts his bubble (me) he flips. 

This is much different than the alcoholism I am used to and it took me awhile to see it. 

Post # 13
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MrsTangerine:  +1. OP please carefully think about what she is saying.

Post # 14
Member
805 posts
Busy bee

@ACryForHelp:  Oh you poor thing, as the previous posters have pointed out, this is 1000% not your fault. There’s no way that being nice 95% of the time makes up for him being a terrifying monster the other 5% of the time – you should never have to live in fear of your partner. If I were you I’d get out of there asap, but I realise you’re in love and it’s not that easy.

If you want to help him, I would try and set up some sort of secret camera and video what he’s like when he comes home drunk – I imagine he forgets what an awful person he is when drunk by the time he’s sober again. If seeing himself in his fully drunken state doesn’t convince him that he needs to get help, THEN you have to leave. You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.

You deserve a nice stable man, not some jekyll and hyde – don’t condem yourself to this for the rest of your life. Please look after yourself.

Post # 15
Member
3371 posts
Sugar bee

@ACryForHelp:  Good lord you sound like me in my head, 6 years ago.

“I don’t want to sound like I’m perfect though and do nothing wrong. I’m alot to deal with sometimes. Maybe sometimes i shouldnt even bring up an argument when i know hes drinking.”


That is exactly the problem. You should never have to change the thoughts in your head in order to stop someone else’s actions. If you have to change to keep him calm then you aren’t being you. You are conforming to his standards and you deserve better. You need a man who aspires to deserve you. And you aspire to deserve him. Both. Equally. Good relationships are not one-sided.

I know deep down you are scared and you think life isn’t really going to be any better without him, but it will. When you learn to love yourself and be happy with yourself life will be better, but that will never happen in this environment.

Post # 16
Member
3026 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

This blaming yourself for other people’s actions…. you are the child of an alcoholic and this is where it “shows”. I suggest that after you leave your SO, you get some counseling yourself. 

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