(Closed) I need help bees, I dont know where to go from here (LONG)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1352 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I am so sorry you are going through this 🙁 personally, I probably would end the relationship because I would be going crazy not being able to trust someone and I couldn’t live like that. But you know your relationship better than anyone so if you feel like its something you can forgive and forget and move on then do it if you feel like the relationship is worth it. Maybe go talk to a counselor about the betrayal? 

Post # 4
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Oh I am so sorry you’re going through this, that’s really awful.  That does fall under the realm of being unfaithful and I think the absolute only way to salvage this relationship is for him to understand why what he did was wrong.  I’m sure he wouldn’t like it if the tables were turned and he found you talking to a guy like that!  I would say counseling is the only way to get him to understand that, too.

But…

It wouldn’t be throwing away 7 years to break things off with him.  I know things have been wonderful up until now, but this is something that might have you seriously considering his fidelity.  For one thing, he avoided answering whether he would have come clean…does that mean that if he was doing actual physical things he would also just wait for it to fizzle out?  The fact that he is willing to hide things like that from you because he knows it’s wrong is disturbing.  He has given you a lot of reason to never trust him again.

I can’t tell you what to do.  I can say that I don’t trust him, and I don’t even know him.  His actions alone tell me not to trust him.  Beyond not trusting him, what does it say that he can justify seeking this outside of his relationship with you by saying it was something new?  There are a lot of things that are exciting because they are new, it doesn’t make it okay to do them.  It would certainly be exciting for me to get on a plane, go to England, and make out with a guy with a sexy English accent.  It would be very new.  It would also be very wrong.

He’s not sorry about what he did or he would have come clean (and not dodged the question on whether he would have told you if you hadn’t discovered it).  He’s sorry he got caught, and to be sorry he got caught, he knows he did something wrong.

ETA: If you do decide to do counseling, you shouldn’t give him the impression that just because he goes through with it that you will absolutely stay with him.  He needs to know that you still have the option of leaving if the counseling doesn’t help you trust him again but that his best shot at keeping you is to do the counseling with you.

Post # 5
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

**HUGS** It is difficult I know. If he knows this girl, I would consider this cheating. If he is paying for it, I think he is desperate (still wrong in my books).

Where did he meet her? If he was loyal he would have stopped texting her. I am pretty sure that it probably wouldn’t have fizzled out because it sounds intense, if anything it they might have met if you didn’t intervene.

I honestly would have punched him out. Shop talk?!

However, the best thing would to be a counsellor and sort out your emotions there. With a non-biased person. Either this or I would end it. It kills me to hear stories like this. I only give people chances once. People aren’t stupid they know what they are doing and they know why they are doing it.

 

Post # 6
Member
273 posts
Helper bee

I don’t know, I am a big believer that people can change. He just needed to be confronted about it to realize the gravity of what he has done. Sometimes you don’t realize what you have until it’s gone, and I think he needs to go through that mourning phase so that he NEVER does anything like this again.

I think you should give him a second chance, but not until you let him be in the dog house for a while.

Post # 7
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I agree with PP. Please seek counseling, you guys may be able to work through this one. In my opinion if he is telling the truth about there being nothing physical going on then there may be some hope that he can see that what he did was wrong and move on from it. Physical cheating or if he continued this behavior would be when I would kick him out.

Post # 8
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

By The Way Please don’t organise seeing the counsellor, if he wants to fix it. Tell him to fix it and find one for you guys.

Post # 10
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@Miss.Coffee:  Are you serious? An old coworker? and they were very open sharing their private parts? They must have felt comfortable between each other and I honestly think it doesn’t sound too good.

Post # 11
Member
707 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m so sorry you’re going through this sweetie. I have been cheated on in previous relationships and know how awful it stings. Even if they weren’t physically doing anything (although about as close as you can get), I would consider this cheating. 7 years together is a long time and owning a home together makes things even trickier. Do you know for certain that it was only “sexting”? The fact that she’s a former co-worker doesn’t sit right with me. Fiance and I have made it clear that cheating in any form is unacceptable and the relationship would be over, but that is a terrifying thought and easier said than done. If you think you can forgive him and not let the resentment eat away at your relationship, I’d encourage you to do what you need to do to save it. It’s so tough to say what’s the right answer. I like to think I would leave him if I was in that situation. But again, easier said than done. Hugs to you.

Post # 13
Member
707 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@knight.keira: Yeah, I feel like if it was some random hoe he met once at a bar or something, the “talk is cheap” thing would be a little more believable. With co-workers, you spend time with them and form working relationships (or not-so-appropriate ones, in this case). Either way, it’s wrong, wrong, wrong and I feel so terrible that OP has to deal with this.

Post # 14
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I’m so sorry 🙁 I was with a guy for 5 years who I found out did things like that via the internet. I was crushed and he went to therapy for it. I gave him another chance (I view it as a mistake now) because I didn’t want to throw away what we had built, but I caught him doing it again. I personally view it as cheating and I would move on. I did move on when in that same situation and am much happier now. You deserve someone who doesn’t treat you like that.

Post # 15
Member
4520 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

It’s a former coworker? No. This is not good. I was going to say that MAYBE, if I’m really being generous, I could classify this as some kind of porn on steroids. But it’s someone he knows? He cheated. 

I don’t know how you get through this. I think you should both take your time thinking about it. I think I’d want to have some period of time completely to myself, with no contact from him, just to try to think about what I want to do.  

Post # 16
Member
812 posts
Busy bee

@MrsPom:  I competely agree – I would feel very betrayed and hurt.

 

I think your feelings are very justified. I wonder how your SO woud feel if it had been the other way around.

Personally I would end it but it is your decision and it is a tough one to make. I’m really sorry you’e been so hurt.

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