I Need Help In My Situation With My Fiance….

posted 6 months ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
1388 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

I’m sorry but it sounds like he doesn’t want to marry you. The changing his mind about the house, returningthe down payment, renewing his lease – he is telling you he doesn’t want to move in with you without actually saying it.

I think you’re doing alot of positive things with going to cosmetology school and learning to drive. These are things that will make you a more whole person and will help you when you meet the right guy for you (and spoiler alert, the right guy for you isn’t going to question marrying you because you’re a bit messy).

Post # 3
Member
497 posts
Helper bee

He doesn’t want to marry you. I’m sorry bee. But to me… Returning the down payment money… Resigning the lease… And even telling you he’s having second thoughts is pretty clear he doesn’t want to marry you. 

Post # 4
Member
268 posts
Helper bee

faeriequeene :  This isn’t what you want to hear, but he sounds like he’s checked out of this relationship. You can’t force something that isn’t there. Honestly, it sounds like he’s on his way to breaking it off…I think you need to have a real heart to heart with him about your future, and prepare yourself for the possibility he may not be in yours.

26 is young. It really sounds like you should focus on your personal growth and soul search who you want to be apart from from being a wife and mother. You have plenty of time to find the right guy, and when you do, he’ll want to drag you down the aisle. Don’t settle for anything less.

Post # 5
Member
6173 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

It looks like he doesn’t want to marry you.  Work on yourself and stop focusing in marriage and children.  That will come when you meet the right person for you.

Post # 6
Member
5060 posts
Bee Keeper

He’s moving forward with his own future and it doesn’t seem to include you, Bee. It also seems as if he has his own issues to get in order before he can be worrying about a wedding. 

In addition to your fiancé, your dad, his Girlfriend, your therapist and psychiatrist think you are too immature for marriage. When that many people from different areas of your life tell you that you are immature and have growing up to do you should pay attention. I know when I read that you, at 26, expect your father to buy you a car it tells me you are not an independent adult. 

Work on you. Get your driver’s license and a job. Learn how to keep a house. Learn how to deal with your obsessions. Learn patience before you even think about having children. Good luck to you. 

Post # 7
Member
3249 posts
Sugar bee

So when he says his depression is keeping him from moving forward with wedding plans…It is an excuse.  But when your bipolar disorder keeps you from performing a very basic adult task like cleaning your house…It isn’t an excuse?

You should listen to your dad, fiance, dad’s girlfriend, therapist, and psychiatrist.  They are spot on.  When everyone is saying something…The odds of you being the one who has it straight and every other single person being in the wrong is virtually zero.  Your fiance clearly isn’t in a place to handle wedding planning, he is trying to get his depression and suicidal ideation under control, and you can’t see beyond your own nose to care about anything but your dream and timeline.  You aren’t mature enough to be in a relationship where you need to work as a team and set aside your selfishness.  He is not being ambiguous at all…He is not ready to build a future with you.  And if you can’t cope with that then you need to let this relationship go and let him heal in peace.  Your selfishness and constant pushing him to something he clearly is saying no to is toxic behavior that likely is not helping him at all.

Post # 8
Member
9088 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

faeriequeene :  

He’s always trying to break up with me over wedding plans.

Bee, he gave your dad his $10K back, an honorable thing to do.

He signed a new apartment lease without telling you.

He’s stopped showing affection/initiating sex.

If he rented the Goodyear blimp and had it fly a banner over your house that read:  “I don’t want to marry faeriequeene!”, that would not be any more clear than he has already been.

You can’t make him want to be with you, Bee.  Arguing all the time isn’t making him want you more.  You have made it clear that you want marriage and children, like yesterday.  He doesn’t.  It does not matter why he doesn’t.  He just doesn’t.

Post # 9
Member
8422 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle

Alright, there’s a lot to unpack here. It seems like you have a very co-dependent relationship with your father. I literally know 0 grown adults who got such a generous check for a down-payment on a home or an offer for a car. You have these grown up goals, but I think the assessment by your Fiance, psychiatrist, family, etc., is correct in that you still have a lot of maturing to do. You depend on others to help you reach your goals (or motivate you, like in the case of going back to school). I think you need to take responsibility for your own life and well-being. 

At the same time, I’ll tell you that it doesn’t sound like this guy wants to marry you, at least not any time soon. So if you do want to take charge/control over your own future and be more realistic and responsible about your timelines/goals, then I think priority #1 would be to break up with him and move on. I hope this doesn’t sound harsh, and do truly wish you the best.

Post # 10
Member
553 posts
Busy bee

He doesn’t want to marry you. You need to grow up and accept responsibility for yourself. You took driving lessons last year but you still don’t drive? You couldn’t plan a wedding because you were in school? How do you think those of us working full time manage to plan a wedding? Maybe you don’t use your mental health issues as an excuse to not plan a wedding, but you use them as an excuse to be messy. People aren’t ganging up on you, they just see the reality and you don’t.

Are you working? If not, get a job immediately. Fast food, retail, whatever. You say you feel so ancient but it sounds like you haven’t done many adult things on your own yet. Also, dump him. 

Post # 11
Member
1195 posts
Bumble bee

Bee, I know living with bipolar and depression is tough. I live with it too, as do several of my immediate family. So I have a sense of what you’re going through, and I sympathize.

But I call bullshit on bipolar disorder and living with horders as your reason for not cleaning.

I know I need to scrub the toilet and clean my clothes, pass the vaccuum regularly. I don’t enjoy it, I’d rather do a thousand other things, but I clean because that’s what adults do.

Who is going to clean your future home together, and look after and clean up after these future children? Is he going to be a stay at home father while you support the family on your cosmetology salary?

If you truly feel you “don’t know how to clean”, either learn (read some cleaning blogs, watch Youtube), or hire a cleaner.

I wouldn’t marry someone who wouldn’t clean either.

 

I think you should focus on improving youself. Get that drivers license. Start keeping your home clean. Finish school. Do these things for yourself, to be the best version of you that you can be. Don’t do it hoping that if you prove you are good at adulting, he will marry you.

AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T BUY A HOUSE WITH HIM.

Or you’ll be back here in 2 years saying we bought a house but he won’t marry me, what do I do?

Your fiance doesn’t sound very thrilled to be your fiance. He has “tried” to break up with you several times, during fights caused by your wish to discuss the wedding planning.

You seem oddly unsympathetic to his suicidal thoughts due to the loss of his mother, and question if that’s a solid reason for him to dig in his heels about getting married. Yet your own mental illness is an acceptable reason to not clean your own home? You can’t make somebody want to marry you. The other person should be as equally vested as moving towards marriage as you are.

Post # 12
Member
1020 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

faeriequeene :  he doesn’t want to be with you. I’m sorry that sounds harsh. He also sounds like kind of a jerk :/ well… Maybe not. It just seems a bit weird to say his siblings don’t approve because you’re a college drop out but I guess it depends, are you doing something else with your life? Either way I wouldn’t waste any more time with him because he doesn’t want to marry you.

Post # 13
Member
641 posts
Busy bee

Lots of great insight and advice here – you should take it all to heart and listen. 

But I can’t help but wonder something – why did YOUR father give HIM the $10k cheque, and not you? 

Post # 14
Member
1599 posts
Bumble bee

He is going to end up breaking up with you. It’s just a matter of time. 

If everyone close to you is saying something about you, you aren’t being ganged up on, it’s probably true. 

I have friends with bipolar disorder who keep their places at least somewhat presentable. 

Marriage and kids is hard; they’re not wrong in wanting you to be further along in your development as an adult first. 

Post # 15
Member
8880 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2016

What you do is find some self respect and break up. He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t want to be with you. Likely he’s just building up to break up with you.

Find someone who WANTS to be with you.

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