I Need Help In My Situation With My Fiance….

posted 9 months ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
3069 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

I hate to be blunt but this guy does not want to marry you. He has slowly checked out of your entire relationship and a breakup is more than likely right around the corner. 

Sometimes relationships just don’t work but it sounds like you come with a little extra baggage that I would recommend you work out before attempting another relationship. 

1) You cannot call his mental illness a lame excuse for not doing things while you use your own mental illness as an excuse for not doing things in the same breath. Stop using your bi polar disorder as a handicap and clean your home. I would assume that if your SO has brought this topic up as a reason not to marry you, your home is probably a little worse than just being “messy.” Being raised in that environment does not excuse you from living in filth as an adult. 

2) You are way too dependent on your father. You should not be relying on his money for a down payment on a home or a vehicle. YOU ARE 26 YEARS OLD. You went to driving school so get your license and get a job to pay for your own life. 

3) Your whole timeline expectations need to be reeled in and thrown out the window. You are not mature enough for marriage at the age of 26 so I think it’s safe to assume that you DEFINITELY was not mature enough at 22. You have a lot of growing up to do and a lot of time to do so. 

Post # 17
Member
705 posts
Busy bee

Don’t stay with him! Leave! The sooner, the better. Doesn’t sound like a great guy and it’ll only get worst after marriage. Marriage will not solve any of the current issues you guys have now.. only amplifies it

Post # 18
Member
1707 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

faeriequeene :  you say you don’t know what to do, but I think you do. I think you just don’t want to be alone. You would rather be in a an unhealthy relationship where your needs aren’t being met rather than step out of your comfort zone and do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your future. 

You need to move on with this. The pain will pass, you will grow, and one day you will look back on this and be grateful you left. Don’t be another statistic. Get out while you’re young, not married, and no kids to keep you tied to him. 

You have nothing to lose except your dignity if you stay with him. 

He has given you all the signs that he doesn’t want to be with you: gets mad when you try to make plans, renews his apartment without telling you, doesn’t give you the affection you need and crave. 

He knows what he wants and it’s not you he just doesn’t have the balls to break up with you. 

There are plenty of fish in the sea. Why waste anymore time with the wrong guy? And you write all this stuff about ‘my friends say this, my parents say that, my therapist this’. Who cares what they think? What do you think and want in your heart? Do you want to continue being unhappy or do you want a change? 

Good luck. 

Post # 19
Member
5036 posts
Bee Keeper

He doesn’t want to marry you. It actually sounds like he’s tried to break up with you a few times as well and just hasn’t really followed through. End it. 

Post # 20
Member
3870 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Look, if your dad is buying you a car and a house you aren’t fully functioning as an adult, and therefore shouldn’t be getting married.

Add to that the fact that you are constantly having to convince this guy to stay with you: why don’t you see that you deserve more than that? You should marry someone who WANTS to marry you, not someone you have to convince.

Post # 21
Member
317 posts
Helper bee

I’m really sorry you’re going through this!

It does sound like he’s planning on moving on. I think you should just beat him to the punchline and do it yourself. He doesn’t even include you in big choices. Like signing a lease, not buying a house, things like that. Sounds like he’ll likely ghost you before breaking up with you. 

If my dad had enough money to buy a car/ help with a down payment I’d totally take that deal. Same as if I had the money I’d do the same for him. I don’t think that’s a reflection of your maturity. (It’s crazy how some poster view this is a mark of immaturity when it’s not super uncommon on this forum for parents to help foot  huge wedding bills). 

That being said, it does sound like you need some time for personal growth. Take the advice from the people in your life. You may have a lot of growing up to do. 

 

Post # 22
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

My parents got married at 21 and then my mother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She was 26 and 29 when she had my brother and then me. She was a stay at home mom and now my parents are about to celebrate 30 years together. She faced a lot of negative bias from her parents because of her bipolar. However, not once has my mother implied that the rest of us are not entitled to our own feelings and struggles because they are different from hers. My brother has major depression and my mother is able to relate to him in a way that I can only begin to understand so they lean on each other and keep each other accountable. You are going to have times where cleaning the house feels impossible but you also know (better than most people) that your fiance will experience his own days like that too. Holding him to a double standard and tallying scores is not okay. 

Neither of you sound happy, maybe it is best to walk away from this relationship.

 

Post # 23
Member
5077 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

He doesn’t want to marry you and, honestly, I can see why. You sound like a hot mess and that has nothing to do with your bipolar – you aren’t a grown up. You don’t sound like you follow through on things and you’re counting on your dad to do things for you that you should consider your own responsibility to do for yourself. Everyone around you is right- you aren’t mature enough to get married (no matter what your chronological age is). You need to make your own growth a priority – you need to figure out what you want to do with yourself and take the time you need to grow up. You need to learn to clean your damn house. 

Don’t worry about the age you thought would be great to get married- clearly that wasn’t true for you. The best time to get married is when you have found someone who wants to build a life with you (this person does not- no matter how much you ignore the very clear and obvious signs he’s given you – HE GAVE YOUR FATHER 10K BACK!!!) and when you have built a life as a whole and complete person and you have something to bring to the table and contribute to the relationship. Go work on that – you will find your person and the right timing.

Post # 24
Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee

I hate to tell you, but you are not engaged.

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