(Closed) I need help or possibly a slap to the face.

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013 - rolling hills of southern italy

*slap in the face*

kidding. Kind of. 

You seem to be in no place emotionally to be talking to your ex. So, good job on recognizing that. This is your big warning flag that says “if you do not work hard at communicating and improving things with your husband NOW, it is only going to get worse and worse” 

so, tell him how unhappy you are. He loves you. He will want to fix this.

Post # 4
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think that if you weren’t so vulnerable with the sticky situation you are in with your Darling Husband, you’d be saying something completely different kwim? I’m not sure if you touched on this, but have you actually talked to your DH? Like a good old sit down listen here is how I am feeling and how are we going to fix it? Tell him what you told us. I know I am in the minority but its not fair to use a bad habit against someone and leverage it as “he doesn’t care about me enough” ammo. I smoke, Fiance has known from the beginning and as much as he wants me to quit he understands that I have to want it myself. It in no way, shape, or form is it a commentary on my love for him. It’s an addiction, and a serious one at that.

Honestly, I think you should cut communication with your ex. Does he know you are married now? If so, shame on him for putting you in this position.

Post # 5
Member
9627 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@onourway13:  +1 don’t use his addiction against him, that is just unfair, I don’t smoke but I have a junk food addiction, and guess what? It is HARD to stop! People who don’t battle with an addiction just don’t understand how hard a battle it is.

Post # 6
Member
7455 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

@beeinhiding44:  “I want to be friends with him at the very least.”

That tells me a lot right there. I think that it is normal to have ups and downs during marriage. Nobody said it would be easy! I feel like you are using the things your husband does that bother you to try to justify your feelings for your ex. Obviously you are failing at communicating with your husband because he thinks everything is just fine. That is on you. You need to tell him that you’re feeing unhappy and make some effort to try to work on it through counseling. Continuing to speak to your ex doesn’t do you or your husband any favors. I’m sorry if this comes across as harsh, but I think you need a reality check.

Post # 8
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@beeinhiding44:  I was in a previous relationship where my boyfriend intentionally said and did things to annoy me. He would say that he liked getting a rise out of me but I did not like it and over time, I distanced myself from him emotionally. I think this was the opposite effect he thought his actions would have on me, I think he liked knowing he could have an effect on me. Do you think this is why your Darling Husband does this?

Your ex is another matter but I think if you are unhappy in your marriage, other men will look far more attractive than usual.

Post # 10
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

 Cory_loves_this_girl:  —> THIS

Slippery slope… it is easy to feel frustrated with your current life, and fantasize about something different.  Next thing you know you guys are texting, talking, meeting up… and temptation gets bigger.

You’d be more and more expanding “the gap” between yourself and your Hubby… to the point of NO RETURN

BEST ADVICE… Don’t give into temptation.  Don’t start / continue any sort of a relationship (romantic or friendship) while you are married.  You owe your marriage / Hubby your ALL.  If you guys are having problems, then work on them… get help if need be.

And remember… the grass may only look greener on the other side of the fence… the reality is it still is like any other grass… you still have maintain it… otherwise it is just an overr-run hayfield and a pain in the butt !!

You’ve been down the road with your Ex once before… and it was filled with heartache and pain… WHY would you want to possibly go thru that again… or turn back to that just because things aren’t all rosy in your life “at this minute”

Give your marriage your best shot.  If it isn’t to be then at least you’ll be able to look yourself in the mirror and honestly say you gave it your all.  Divorce is not easy… it is very devastating emotional state… even if you are the one pulling the plug.  There is a sense of failure to it.  So make sure it is a last resort.

And only then after surviving all that think about getting involved with anyone else.

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 11
Member
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

 Several years ago, while dating and living with my fh I met a guy who we just had insane sexual chemistry.  It was electric if we were a couple feet of each other, and we had to work together.  Immediately after feeling that spark I started questioning and over analyzing everything fh did, so that I could explain leaving him.  This went on for months ( I’m going to assume you have been unhappy in your relationship since you ran into your ex since you describe  both events as beginning a few months ago).  At one point I decided I was going to try to make my relationship with fh work and put my mind to it ( stopped thinking about what if or what my life could be life with someone else)  and after a little while all the little things that seemed unbearable before, didn’t matter as much. 

You need to decide which guy is more worth it to you. If your marriage means anything to you, you need to give that 100%  of your thoughts and you need to cut off communication with your ex. If you give up your marriage for your ex,  it might be nothing like you imagine AND  you end up without this wonderful man who you have already built a life with ( and vowed to love and support through better and worse). If you allow yourself to continue talking to your ex you will likely destroy your marriage.  

 

Post # 12
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I do not think it is a good idea to EVER be friends with or talk to this ex – no matter what your intentions are, it WILL lead to you cheating on your Darling Husband, at the very least emotionally. I have an ex like this, my high school sweetheart who I could talk to for hours in a way that I never could with anyone else, who I thought about for years after we broke up – hell, I’ll be honest, I even had dreams about him that totally freaked me out and had me doubting things after my Darling Husband and I got engaged. He was like that perfect first love that I kept wondering what could’ve happened and if I should have given it another chance, etc. And there are two really important things to realize about situations like this.

One, you are idealizing your relationship with the ex. He was not without his own flaws, but since you haven’t been in a relationship with him in so many years it’s so easy to forget those things and instead focus in on his good qualities that your Darling Husband is lacking in. And since your ex was your first love, when you were with him there was no other guy or relationship you were comparing him to. Secondly, there is NO REASON you should be friends with this guy. Zero. Like I said, talking to him for hours is just going to lead to emotionally cheating on your Darling Husband. You’re already dangerously close to that line just by wanting to at least continue a friendship – how would you take it if your Darling Husband wanted to be friends with a girl that was his first love who still wanted to be with him and that he would totally want to get back together with if he wasn’t already married to you? I imagine you’d be pretty darn pissed and hurt.

And…I can’t believe I’m about to talk about this while not anonymous, but I;ve been feeling how you are in the past – not with an ex, but with a friend who I felt like I could talk to better than my Darling Husband and that there was some clear tension/interest with. I posted anonymously, got the wakeup call I needed, and haven’t hung out with the guy since. And now looking back at it, I can see that I was making the problems with Darling Husband even worse in my mind because of this sttraction I had to someone else. Things he did bothered me more than they would have otherwise because in the back of my mind I was thinking ‘X would never do/say that’, or ‘X would know how to talk to me/comfort me about this’. It’s a dangerous line of thinking, and it’s nearly impossible to fix your relationship and become happier when you’re dwelling on the what-if with another guy. I know you said that you don’t want to suggest counseling because your Darling Husband thinks everything is fine, but I think you should really consider at least getting yourself into counseling. And while I wouldn’t tell him about the ex, your Darling Husband needs to know that everything is not fine. 

Post # 13
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@beeinhiding44:  Responding really quickly because I am headed to work, but check with your carrier. I had to block an ex from contacting me years ago so I know its possible!

Post # 14
Member
9648 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Realize that what you’re feeling for your ex isn’t as much about him as a person as about you and your nostalgia for your lost youth, innocence and exuberance.

As far as your relationship with your Darling Husband – has it always been this way or did you at one time have a close, healthy, loving and vibrant bond with each other?  If it’s always been this way then I suggest counseling to help you learn to communicate as a couple.  However, if you’ve lost the romance you once shared then it’s time to focus on bringing some of the spark back into your marriage.

You know you have to cut off ties with the ex completely.  Don’t try to be “friends” with him, that will never work, the two of you don’t have “friend” feelings for each other.

The time to start talking to your husband is now.  And get treatment for your depression so you can begin contributing to your marriage in a healthy way.  You can’t expect your husband to give up his cigarettes and porn without your being a part of his life in a good way.  Those are addictive and comforting things he’s self-medicating with.  He may be suffering from some depression as well.  Get help for your marriage and put a stop to the downward spiral.

Post # 15
Member
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I would sit down with your Darling Husband and tell him that:

a) Ex has been texting you, you have responded and can feel the old flame type feelings, but want it to stop, will get a new number etc.

b) You are upset with the way he has been treating you lately and would like for things to change in order for you to rekindle your passion and love for one another.

c) Ask him if you have been doing anythng lately that has annoyed him? Can you work on something to improve your relationship too?

d) Ask him to go to marriage counciling if all else fails.

Post # 16
Member
1652 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think your feelings are normal.

Remember: the grass is always greener. If you were with your ex, he might be displaying behaviour that also upset or annoyed you.

Concentrate on making things better with your husband.

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