- 5 years ago
- Wedding: January 2012
Regular bee going anon for this. I never thought I’d see myself in this sitation. I look at other posters with similar topics and think ‘that’ll never be me’. Well, here we are.
I’ve been married to Darling Husband for a while now, and I thought I was happy. However, recent events have opened my eyes to everything.
Darling Husband intentionally gets on my nerves. He’ll say/do things that he knows will annoy me, anger me, and does them anyway. I’ve asked him many times to stop, but he hasn’t. Of course, this isn’t the main reason for the post, but it still drives me crazy.
Anyway…yesterday my ex texted me. It was mostly to see how things were going, etc. I was hesitant to reply because it took me 6 years to get over him. We dated in HS and were HS sweethearts; I gave him my virginity, and truly, sincerely loved him. However we were young/naive/stupid when we were together, and ended up breaking up in a less-than-cordial way. He apologized for how he had been way back when, and I told him it was just as much my fault as it was his.
Then he dropped the bomb. He said he has missed me, regrets us ever falling apart, and that it devastates him every time he sees my face. We ran into each other a few months ago, and those same feelings I used to feel when we were together came rushing back. I went home and cried.
Now this. He’s telling me everything that I wanted to hear so badly before, and I know he’s being sincere- he never lied to me, even when we dated. We ended things, but I didn’t date again until I met Darling Husband. 6 years later.
Now, I don’t know what to do. I want to talk to my ex. I want to be friends with him at the very least. I do miss him and I miss how we could talk for hours about everything! But I love Darling Husband. I don’t want to cheat on him, emotionally or physically- and I won’t. I won’t talk to my ex (one way or the other) until I’ve sorted through these emotions.
I don’t want to hurt Darling Husband. However, I’ve been very unhappy the past few months, and now this. It’s driving me crazy. Had I not married Darling Husband, I’d be running to my ex like *that*. Now, I don’t want to do that. Not at all. I just want to vent and get some constructive criticism. Hell, please tell me I’m being an idiot. It’s probably what I need to hear.
I will repeat, though: I am NOT making plans/feeling tempted to cheat on Darling Husband. Emotionally, physically, or otherwise. I would not leave Darling Husband for this guy. If Darling Husband and I do seperate, it will NOT be because of my ex- it will be because I am thoroughly unhappy where I am.
I just don’t know what to do. 🙁 I’ve never felt so lost before. One thing that drives me even more crazy is that Darling Husband smokes nonstop, despite knowing my feelings about it. He watches porn, despite knowing my feelings about it (and I don’t think it’s cheating, I just dislike it and would prefer him not to- but I want him to want to stop, and not stop because I’m making him. I will not make him do it). I don’t want to blame this on Darling Husband, because my feelings are muddled and it’s totally my fault. But I haven’t been happy for a while and this is almost like the nail in the coffin, in a way (ex texting me). It’s made me realize that I’m not trapped if I don’t want to be, but also that maybe I don’t want any kind of relationship with anyone.
I have been complacent in our home with Darling Husband, but I don’t want to be complacent. I want to be happy. That’s not horrible of me, in my opinion- that’s normal…to want to be happy.
I don’t want to suggest counseling because Darling Husband thinks everything is fine, despite knowing that I’m not always smiling and happy…..he just doesn’t know that I’m falling apart inside.
I feel like an idiot right now. I was not going to be this girl. And now I am, and now I understand the others before me in this situation, and it sucks. 🙁