Post # 1
I have a situation where I am caught between a rock and a hard place a week before my wedding. It is something that has been looming over me for longer than this but I am forced to face the situation head on now and am not sure how to go about it.
My fiance’s sister is a beautiful girl. She is funny, sweet, and we get along great. She lives in another state but I didn’t hesitate to have her as one of my bm’s. I truly do love her. She is gay and since I have known her has been in and out of relationships. She had recently broken up with her last gf right after my fiance and I became engaged. She was coming to the wedding with a guy she had known since high school. A couple months back she began seeing another girl and now ifs bringing her instead.
Here is the issue. She posts pics of her and this girl on FB that are a little risque. Where in the past I never saw her be extremely affectionate with her gf’s, with this girl she is to the highest degree. I don’t mind, that is her life and she can do whatever she wants with her life and FB page. The problem is my family is more conservative. My mom would not really have a problem but my father is another story. He is ULTRA conservative. He does not know she is gay just knows she is covered in tattoos bc he has seen her in pics, but I am afraid that with alcohol being involved something may happen in the reception and my dad will feel uncomfortable and want to leave. Also, there will be my nieces present and other children and I wouldn’t want her acting the way she has been at the reception.
My sister and brother in law are also very conservative and my brother in law is one big reason I am having this wedding in the first place because he has helped tremendously. I am scared he may want to leave the reception too.
I know that I need to talk to her but what do I say? I can’t put my fiance in the middle nor do I want to. Just last week his mom called him and said that at an event they went together, his sister got really drunk and was being belligerent and grabbing this girl’s behind in front of everyone.
I don’t mean to be offensive in any way. PDA like that would be inappropriate with any couple if it is a place where older people and children are at. I need help on how to handle this situation because I don;t want it to blow up in my face. My father never saw my sister get married or my brother get married because each got married in city hall. This is his baby daughter getting married and the last person I want to be upset in any way is my dad.
How do I tell my sis in law to make sure she tones it down?
Post # 3
Wow, this one is tough. I am not sure I would really say anything, but if you do I think it needs to be in a very intimate conversation between the three of you telling her exactly what you said here. The only other idea would be having FI’s mom talk to her about how conservative your family is,.
Post # 4
Well, first of all, I think you need to give your dad a heads up that she is bringing her girlfriend and you expect them to be treated with the same respect he would give any other couple, that she is fiance’s sister and is a good person. I know that you said the PDA you are talking about would be innappropriate for any couple, I’m just saying this because you mention not wanting to upset the super conservative relatives several times, but there is no mention of not wanting your SIL to think that your family is bigoted. I’d be much more angry with my father over the idea that he might leave my wedding because of PDA by a gay couple than I would be at the couple.
As for your SIL, I know you said you don’t want to put Fiance in the middle, but it is his sister, I don’t see what would be wrong with having him sit down and talk to her about what his mother has said about the PDA, and that there will be kids and older family members there, so please just remember it’s a wedding, not a club! And as far as alcohol beign a factor goes, your bartender should know to not oversere anyone, that is part of his job.
Post # 5
I’m really not sure it’s appropriate to say anything. I don’t think it would be appropriate to say anything even if they were straight.
Are the other bridesmaids bringing dates? You could aske them all collectively, as a group, or in a group email, to make sure to keep their behavior appropriate because your dad is conservative. Just make sure it doesn’t sound like it’s just aimed at the one bridesmaid.
Post # 6
@Beckster329: I agree, that is also a good way to go about it.
Post # 8
@Beckster329: That is a really good idea!
Post # 9
I’m with courtney1188… It’s your FI’s sister. I think it would be better received coming from him. She doesn’t sound like a shy and reserved girl so maybe your Fiance should just say, “I heard how you behaved in public recently from Mom. If you disrespect our wedding, and behave inappropriately, you will be asked to leave.”
Again, in agreement with former poster, you need to give your dad a heads up because if they are coming to your wedding as invited guests, they should be treated with respect. They may take part in very normal wedding behavior as in holding hands or dancing. That wouldn’t be “Inappropriate” but would still draw attention. (especially to anyone who was not aware that she’s a lesbian prior)
Post # 10
That group email is a good idea! (It just might have your entire wedding party-straight or gay- dancing with the “box frame up” with no contact and swaying back and forth like we did in Jr. High… LOL)
Post # 11
@browneyedgrl76: I really love the bm suggestion. Also, FWIW, from your post it doesn’t sound like your concerns have anything to do with her being gay. It is inappropriate for anyone, regardless of their sexual orientation, to dress in a risque outfit and grope at any formal, public event. However, if you address the situation directly (talk to Future Sister-In-Law or have Future Mother-In-Law talk to FSIL) it could easily be misperceived as an attack of her sexual orientation. I think having the bms keep a lookout all night is the best solution
Post # 12
This will sound harsh, but put up and shut up!
If you had started by telling us your Future Sister-In-Law was trashy to the core, then I’d sympathise with your concerns of her “ruining” your wedding by macking it up with her female partner all over the dancefloor. You must have taken a HUGE sigh of relief when it looked like she’s be bringing a man on her arm because it meant her ugly li’l secret wouldn’t come out in front of Daddy. To bad love ki-boshed that!
That said… you stated she was a nice, beautiful woman. A woman, who is most likely more the able to judge a situation and respond accordingly. Anyone with a touch of class knows that a formal wedding is not the time nor place to display graphic PDAs or to get trashed and play a game of grab-ass. They will however probably hug, snuggle and kiss, because although they do not inspire grope sessions, weddings do trigger loving responses from other couples. Personally, if your conservative family can handle those gestures, I think you will have no problems with her behavior.
As for your family’s discomfort dealing with two people in love? I would personally be going to your father and co. and letting them in on the “secret” that your Future Sister-In-Law is a lesbian and that she will be attending your wedding with her girlfriend. It is up to them how they will handle the situation. It’s 2012, not 1952 and if having two woman share a kiss will drive them away from your wedding that’s something you should know ahead of time.
Post # 13
I think you should let your father know that she is bringing her partner and you expect him to be respectful but I wouldn’t say anything to the SIL. Who is to say that she will even act out or show a little too much PDA. Like others have said send out an e-mail or mass text to those in the bridal party to make sure they keep the PDA’s to a minimal.
Post # 14
@musicalrose: I agree with what you said.
This is other peoples problem not your Future Sister-In-Law. Talking to her will make her feel like her being gay is a problem.
Let your conservative family know that there will be gay couples in attendance (no need to mention who) and let them knwo that they are there because you and Fiance love them and they are important to you and you respect them and that you expect your family to behave int he same manner (but nicer than that- its late and I am out of sugar coating).
If they choose to actimmaturely or not attend well then that is a reflection on them.
Post # 15
I had something similiar, my parents and family are quite conservative, but I have always felt I would not tolerate any discrimination from them. At my wedding I didn’t tell them one of our guy friends brought a date. I don’t know what everyone thought, but everyone was treated with respect so that is all that matters to me.
As far as the incident acts, would you worry about the SIL if she was with someone else? If you get along and respect her, I would assume she would know how to act appropriately and she would remind her date it is a formal event. If you are nervous she would act inappropriately, I don’t think you can say anything till you have evidence of that. I think you may risk hurting her feelings.
Post # 16
@musicalrose, the only reason I mentioned she was bringing a guy friend is because reality is, she would not be hanging on the guy and licking his face and tongue and grabbing his ass like she has been doing with this girl in all her pics on fb. I would not like seeing that in a reception with children around even if it were a guy and girl. I would think it wasn’t classy regardless of who it was, I am just thinking of my father, who is an older man of a different generation who may not be as liberal as I am. I don;t think he would have a problem that she is a relationship with a girl. He would have a problem with the behavior that she has been displaying.
It bothers me when people have no regard for other people and excuse it by insulting other people and saying “it’s there problem” if they don’t like it, tough. Any other situation I would understand her doing whatever she felt like, but she will be meeting my family for the first time and it is my wedding.
I am thinking of my family here who have sacrificed a lot to be helping out with this wedding. None of my other bridesmaids would ever dream of behaving inappropriately at my wedding. I don’t think she would either sober, but when she drinks she does not think about her actions.
@ everyone else, thank you for your advice. I am still a little confused as to what to do