- 3 years ago
- Wedding: September 2008
thebluecat : I am so, so glad you never grew up with people who have personality disorders in your life. As someone who has several in my family (and the SD in question sounds like she would fit in perfectly among them, like the second coming of my mom), I strongly believe that some people are born rotten, and no amount of love, understanding, and support can change them into empathetic, pro-social, law-abiding citizens. They will lie, cheat, steal, gaslight, emotionally manipulate, threaten you and those you love, hurt people and pets and sometimes even themselves while screaming that it’s your fault, whatever it takes to get their way. You can try to set boundaries, but these usually don’t work because they feel entitled to everyone’s time, effort, and resources.
I lived the nightmare of having three relatives like this in my life for 24 years, believing if I only expressed my love better, was there for them more often, gave better gifts, and never expressed a negative emotion or dissenting opinion (I’m a Stepford smiler and people pleaser because of this), the aforementioned abuse would stop, but it never did. What made me decide that enough was enough was when they tried to extend their abuse to my Fiance. I couldn’t let that happen.
This is not about withholding love and trying to punish a “difficult teenager”. There is a difference between a difficult teenager who starts developmentally normal arguments and gets into trouble by being impulsive and exercising poor judgment (all of which will pass) and a sociopath who seeks to control you and will never care about or respect anyone other than herself (which will never pass).
I didn’t cut off contact with my family members to hurt them, and when I hear from people who only see the superficial pretend nice-nice faces that they show to the public saying that the people I’ve cut out are “sad” because of me, it makes me feel sad and a little guilty too. I’m sure OP feels similarly, because that’s how normal people react to being driven to sever what should be natural family bonds. But in my case and many others on this board who have exhausted all other options, this can sometimes be the only way to survive.
Okay, I’m done pontificating. I’m glad you have a normal, loving family with no Axis II psychological disorders. I wish I did too, and I’m sure OP does as well. Give your relatives hugs for me? <3