(Closed) I need outside perspective–am I out of line?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1150 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

i would be upset and hurt! it sucks to put yourself out there like that and have people gossip about you. 



Post # 4
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I wouldnt say a thing to him, since he hasnt had the decency to respond. I would just find another officiant. If he responds at a later date just say politely that you changed your mind and have a different officiant. This will be best mature way to do it and he will feel dumb.

I wouldnt blame your mom too much about this.  I dont really see her as being in the middle, if they called her and told her they didnt like it, i dont see how she could have done any better than to tell you.

Post # 5
1129 posts
Bumble bee

I think you have a right to be upset and even a little hurt by what it going on.  Coming from someone who asked a friend (a very good friend of mine, mind you) to perform our ceremony and got blindsided by his reaction? I would try to hire a professional. 

Post # 6
18637 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Wow that’s crazy!  Why is your mother in contact with your brother-in-law anyway?  Are your families really close?  I think it’s so not cool of him to not even talk to you about it before saying bad things to your mom about it.  I would talk to him and say that you would have liked to hear from him that he didn’t like it and that you won’t be needing his services (if you can find someone last minute).

Post # 7
520 posts
Busy bee

Seriously, can you get another officiant….. I dont’ mean to come off as flippant or uncaring….but that may be your best option.

Post # 8
566 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I agree with bells just find another officiant. You aren’t out of line. He should’ve talked to you about it. From what you wrote you seemed willing to make adjustments. If he had time to talk to other people he certainly had time to talk to you. i wouldn’t confront him necessarily because it’s he said/she said and it would probably end up upsetting you more. I’d at least start looking for another officiant.

Post # 9
711 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I would find someone else that made me feel more comfortable. You should be able to perform your ceremony whichever way makes it special for you and your soon to be spouse.

Post # 10
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I guess I’m a little mean, but I would tell my mother that if she doesn’t want to be in the middle of it, she should stop discussing wedding details wsith people other than me. Then I would find another officiant.

Here’s the thing, the ceremony is not for your mother to revise nor is it for your officiant to approve of. It is something that is personal to you and your Fiance. It is an expression of who you are and how you feel about each other. And yes, it is performed in public. But that doesn’t mean everyone should feel the need to weigh in on  it. A good officiant understands that a ceremony isn’t about what the officiant wants. It’s about what you want. (Religious ceremonies are obviously excluded from this. But it doesn’t sound like you were looking for a traditional religious ceremony).

I would stop showing the ceremony to people who aren’t your officiant. And find yourself a real officiant who won’t behave like a spoiled brat.

Post # 11
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

It’s clearly another situation that needs to be handled via VOICE communication and not texting! CALL HIM and talk to himm. As far as your Mother is concerned, I wouldn’t necessarily take her word for it, since she already told you an “untruth”.

Get the words directly from him. And if he doesn’t want do to it, say thanks and move on to someone who will do it your way. And I guess I’d say don’t ask for anyone’s opinion except FIs

Post # 12
2271 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

It’s YOUR ceremony and Brother-In-Law should do it whether he likes it or not. Do a search for officants in your area and get someone who will do what you want.

Post # 13
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m so sorry that happened to you!  As your Brother-In-Law, he should have called you and told you WHY he did not like your ceremony.  An officiant you hired who had problems with the ceremony would have done so, why shouldn’t you expect the same courtesy from your family?

I agree with PPs who tell you to get a new officiant.  Let Brother-In-Law know that since you OVERHEARD he had issues with your ceremony and would no longer officiate it, you hired someone else to.  Also tell him that the ceremony will go as planned, and while you’d love to have him spend the day with you, if he is that strongly opposed to it he should stay home.

Weddings truly do bring out the worst in people…you aren’t out of line and it’s terrible that you have this added stress brought on to such a special day!

Post # 15
1569 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

I’d be a lot more upset than you seem to be. If your Brother-In-Law agreed to be your officiant, who the hell does he think he is declaring he’s changed his mind because he “doesn’t like” your ceremony? And forget about hearing it second-hand, that’s just absurd. Get a different officiant.

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