(Closed) I need some help

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
3261 posts
Sugar bee

Wait…she’s not going to marry you because she got a scar on her shin? Accidents happen, not to sound brash, but tell her to get over it. 

Post # 4
2825 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I’m sorry, I hate to be the meany here… But she’s calling off the wedding because of a 2 inch scar from an accident ya’ll had?? That’s pretty ridiculous.

There has to be more to the story, and if there isn’t then I have to ask… you REALLY want to marry this woman??

Post # 5
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Unfortunately I don’t know of any good products or plastic surgeons. After reading your post I am very surprised the wedding is off because of a vehicle accident.  Has she lost faith in your “driving” ability or she has lost faith in you?  If it is the latter, I’d be more concerned about her calling off the wedding because of the scar than about trying to hide a 2″ scar.    

Post # 6
630 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

She’s being pretty childish. I mean, granted I would be a little upset with my Fiance for the accident, but I can’t imagine calling off a wedding for a tiny scar on my leg.

That’d be like wanting a divorce for getting stretch marks during pregnancy or something, ya know? Maybe you should talk to her and let her know that she’s being incredibly unreasonable and that you are heartbroken that your relationship/future was worth less than a scar.

Post # 7
7291 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Is scars were removable, they wouldn’t be called scars 😉

Most surgeons can do scar revision, which will minimize it.

Sadly, her confidence in you will not be restored by flying her anywhere in the world for surgery- though I admire your gusto. There is something a lot deeper going on.

Get counseling and realize what you really want and deserve in life , your girl the same. You will mess up many more times in life as a human, not necessarily phsyically….many coping and communication skills are in order!

Best of luck!

Post # 8
2493 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I was in a horrible car accident at 17. For years if I wasn’t driving a car, I would panic the entire time and I lost a lot of faith in a guy I was dating who used to do stupid things in the car to show off.

I’m telling you that from my experience, she is equating you with the trauma. Maybe she has PTSD and is just using your relationship as a way to cope with it. I think that the best and only way for her to properly deal with this is to go to a therapist to work through these issues.

I also have scars, and as much of a reminder as they may be, when I got over the trauma and my PTSD was resolved through therapy, the scars went from being a serious reminder of a horrible moment to just a mark on my skin. Fixing her scar will not fix anything but the scar.

Post # 9
1089 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I second this… @takemyhand:

I wasn’t in an accident or anything but it definitely sounds like what you need to do. Get her to talk to some one (like a therapist) and work through it. This has to be more than a scar….. No one calls off a wedding because of a scar.

Post # 11
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This is so sad to hear.  I am of the school of thought that scars tell the story of our lives as we live them.

About a year ago, my fiance and I were cooking, and he was very tired and accidently knocked a pan into me and hot oil splashed on my hand.  Was it painful? Of course.  Was I incredibly upset at him? Sure.  Did I eventually realize that they call them accidents for a reason- because in NO WAY are they intentional? You bet.

My fiance felt absolutely horrible, as I can see that you feel now.  I was treated for a severe burn, and now it has faded to a darker patch of skin on my hand that you can still see.  Am I self conscious?  Absolutely not!  It is not like it is on my face or something (I mean it is on her leg for crying out loud).  At least once a day, my fiance will hold my hand and kiss the mark because it is a memory of a time in the past – even if it was not a fond one!

My take is, if this woman really loves you, she can get past this.  What is next? Will she blame you if her body changes with children?  What if this was actually a severe accident?!?  It is just a scar on her leg, and you did not mean this!  Cut yourself a little slack.

One last thing, it sounds like she may have had HUGE insecurities before this accident.  Perhaps you can gently lead her toward a good therapist that can help her discuss why she is using this scar to displace insecurities about herself and your relationship.

Good luck!

Post # 12
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@takemyhand: I was going to suggest that maybe she has PTSD. Otherwise, calling off the wedding for an accident (especially one that only left a 2 inch scar on her shin) is pretty unreasonable. 

OP, how was your relationship beforehand? Did she suffer any more serious injuries when you crashed? Was she hospitalized? Has she ever been in an accident before? You can only do so much to help your girlfriend, and it sounds like you have gone above and beyond. I would recommend encouraging her to get therapy because her reaction is beyond what is normal or healthy in this situation. The accident isn’t something you should still be feeling guilty over, a year later, when the wound has literally healed–particularly not to the extent that you are willing to research & fly her to god-knows-where to get a small scar removed. As for concealing the scar (I’m not trying to be too judgmental here, but unless she’s a model or an actress, is not a big deal…and even so, there are models and actresses with more noticable scars than that), she should probably see a dermatologist and/or makeup artist. But seriously, a reasonable reaction to this is that she loses confidence in your driving ability, is scared/reluctant to ride in a vehicle with you for a while, and gets over it in a year or so (maybe with the help of therapy). I’m concerned that she’s taking advantage of you, given what you’ve written and how eager/willing you are to finance her obsession with this scar. Hopefully I’m not being too hard on her, and there are some details about the situation that have been left out that would paint her in a more favorable light. 

ETA: I know that may not be the response you’re looking for, but I felt the need to chime in becuase it really doesn’t sound like any plastic surgery or makeup will fix what is really wrong here. It’s wonderful that you’re willing to support her and I can understand wanting to be proactive in the situation, but taking her around the world to find a top-notch plastic surgeon may actually exacerbate her obsession with these “imperfections.” All I can really recommend is therapy, therapy, therapy. Do you have a physician? You should ask for plastic surgeon referrals from them. Yelp is a good resource for user-generated reviews, and a quick search for plastic surgeons in the DC area yielded quite a few well-reviewed results, including some dermatologists that might be able to minimize scarring without surgery. Here’s a link, in case you’re curious: http://www.yelp.com/search?find_desc=plastic+surgeon&find_loc=washington%2C+dc&ns=1. Good luck!

Post # 15
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I slammed my forehead on a table last year and had 11 stitches through my eyebrow and up through the middle of my face.  I used Scaraway silicone patches religiously for several months and within about 6-9 months, my scar was practically invisible.  I don’t even need to cover it with makeup.

You can buy these in drugstores or online.  I paid about $25 a box.  http://www.myscaraway.com/

Good luck!

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