Post # 1
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
The gist of it is this, BF and I do not live together, I still live with my parents but I am constantly over there especially since he hurt himself (accidental) and I’ve been feeling lately after several chats that when his lease is up this summer we’ll get engaged and move in together. I’m okay with this because I feel we live together anyway so why not make it official right?
Then this morning before I left his place I saw a large stack of housing papers on the table that I assumed were his roomates (He lives with 2 other guys and one of their gf’s) and mentioned that his roomate was looking for a house again (its been a year) to which I found out he’s going to buy. Then comes the kicker, BF and other roomate are going to live with him! (after we’ve already talked about to what I felt was an appropriate conversation to make our plan solid).
All I could say was “Really?” He grunted an “Mmm hm” between his pizza bites. And that was the end of it because I didn’t know what to say. I’m really angry/hurt/confused right now because I was certain of everything that was coming this summer.
I’m currently unemployed but still looking and finishing school this semester but I make good money babysitting on the weekends that cover my bills for the month. So for the rest of the evening we watched tv and kinda snuggled but this wouldn’t leave my brain.
Any suggestions about how to bring it up/handle it? Because all of mine involve being angry then eventually crying to him about it. I wanted to throw my water in his face and tell him to leave but didn’t because I’m not that person anymore, though sometimes with how inconsiderate he is about my feelings I want to be, what stops me is I know he doesn’t do it on purpose. Please help me. :'(
Thanks Bees,
<3
hottlips
Post # 3
Member
16 posts
Newbee
You need to be mature enough to be honest with him about your feelings. If you want to marry this person, you are going to have to have a lot more difficult conversations than this. It doesn’t sound like the two of you are on the same page. Just bring it up at a time when you are both calm. Good luck!
Post # 4
Member
363 posts
Helper bee
So question to start with. Can your SO afford to live on his own and support the two of you since you don’t have a job a present (not discounting your baby sitting I’m just not certain how reliable your income from it is)?
He may need roommates to maintain the life style you two currently have. In which case it just makes sense that he would try to stick with roommates he knows he can stand to live with. (Personally I’ve had one tolerable roommate out of 8) He probably does want to live with you if he has indicated so in the past. I suspect you two just differ on the specifics.
Now I understand you are upset and you want to get out your anger and tears. And I see no reason why you can’t as long as you stay on topic and make no accusations before you get an explanation of your SO’s thought process. I can’t have a tough conversation with my SO without falling apart. I cry. It’s just part of my coping with things process.
But if at all possible I strongly suggest you start by sitting down and as calmly as possible telling him, “So I’m confused and kind of upset. You indicated that we were going to move into together this summer but you also have plans to move in with your current roommate when he buys a house. Explain what’s going on.”
Post # 5
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
i have to say as some one who doesnt mind speaking up, seeing women who dont, irks me a little bit. the essential part of a relationship is COMMUNICATION. you basically just gave him the green light to sweep this issue under the rug by not saying anything. thats not good. he has to know how you feel, so its important that you speak up.
Post # 6
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
i agree with these ladies, tell him ,,, now i can understand being angry and upset and not wanting to “show out ” cause i can be that way myself sometimes…. but what i do diffrent is i leave or ask him to leave.. you dont have to yell or scream , if he asks why just say im upset and i would rather talk about it later… that way you get to release in private sort out your feeling and come at it with a cool head. cause if i have learned nothing else … i learned that if you have a problem with your man and you dont address it but you act like evreything is ok … he going to think everything is ok
Post # 7
Member
1139 posts
Bumble bee
Do you want to marry a man that you can’t talk to. I understand about being non confrontational but this is basic communication. He should be talking out his plans with you and you should be able to have an important conversation. It sounds like you haven’t said anything because your afraid of the answer. To me you have your answer, either he has changed his mind or you misunderstood.
Post # 8
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee
“I’ve been feeling lately after several chats that when his lease is up this summer we’ll get engaged and move in together.”
What do you mean? Why do you “Feel” this way? Is this just a hunch that you had or did you actually have a conversation about it? Men can’t read our minds, you need to state the facts. IF you already stated that moving in with him was what you want, than he is clearly not ready for that type of commitment. If not, I would speak to him about it and hear what he has to say.
Post # 9
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
@NoOneYouExpect: That’s just it, I know he can, he pays as much with them as he would WITHOUT THEM. And my babysitting is a set 2 days a week for 4-8 hours a day. I make more than if I worked part time somewhere.
Post # 10
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
Thanks soo much ladies, I needed some push to talk about it because at times I feel awkward about doing so!
Post # 11
Member
6111 posts
Bee Keeper
Ditto the others!
I’d start by asking him when is a good time to talk about something important to you (usually whlie eating is not the best).
I’d say, “I really thought we were on the same page regarding moving in and getting engaged. But then I hear you’re going to move in with your roommate into his new house and now I’m all confused. So here is the timeline that I would love to see happen – (then list when to move in by, when to engaged by when to marry by – even if ti’s just the years we’re talking about). Can you tell me what you envision?”
I honestly though think it’s wise to not live together until engaged. I just hear too many stories of couple moving in together. Engagement was either breifly mentioned or even worse – assumed! And they are left hanging for a long time.
So try not to scream or throw water in his face (it doesn’t make you look very sane). Time to use your adult communication skills.
Before Fiance and I got engaged, we actually talked about the saeson in which we’d get engaged, like a whole year + in advance. he also knew that I’d want to be engaged before I’d have to sell my house to live with him. We talked about how long we’d want to be engaged for. We knew the type of season we’d want to marry in. All that was discussed while dating – and I think it should be discussed. Then we even talked about it every few months to make sure we were on the same page. A man who wants to marry you will talk about it. I hope it goes like that for you!