(Closed) I need someone to tell me to stop being resentful

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
993 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Wow you’re really amazing for going through this with him.  I don’t think its unexpected that you’d be felling resentful – that’s a pretty big betrayal.  Are you able to talk through these feelings with him?  I’m sure he understands how he’s hurt you if he’s making the effort to change but if you just keep quiet he may never know these feelings that need to be dealt with.  You can do it in a positive loving way, “hun, I’m so glad you’re loving me with all this affection.  It’s a huge change from how we were last Valentines.  Remember that?  It makes me to sad to think I lost that time with you.  You’re doing great.  Let’s do something special for (insert holiday here) and make a new tradition” you know – frame it in a positive but honest way.  Tell him what you need from him.  

Do you have friends that can support you in this?  I have no idea of your story but AA or NA meetings tend to help family members affected by addiction, those might be worth a shot looking in to.  It might be nice to have a specific way you take care of yourself when you are feeling upset and angry.  I like to take myself to a bookstore or cafe or spend time at yoga where I can focus on me.  A personal ritual helps to remind me that I love me and I take care of me, and time away is helpful to think things through and come home ok.

Stay strong and good on you for getting through this! And the bees are always here for support!

Post # 4
Member
9737 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@anonymousbee62:  I think what you’re feeling is very normal.  Also, I hate to bring this up but drug addicts are highly susceptible to relapse.  Have you thought about attending some NarcAnon meetings?  If I ever had to deal with something like that, I think I would.  You need some support, those people have been through the same thing you have.

Post # 5
Member
6742 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

WOW.  I do not blame you at ALL for being resentful.  I think you’re right, that he does owe you a LOT.  I’m sure he knows it though and I’m sure that he’s just working on himself right now.  And he needs to.  The more the works on himself, the better he can be for you and the better he can make it up to you in the future.  And you know how?  With every single valentines day that comes.  With every day that he spends with you that is better than the days that came before, eventually with time, you will start to ease off the resentment because it will be in the past and your present and future are so much better.  You’re with a different person now. 

Good luck!  *hugs*

Post # 6
Member
2906 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Having a significant other with a drug addiction can be incredibly stressful for the non-addicted partner. I’d echo a PP who suggested looking for some help for yourself. Al Anon meetings are a good idea, and also perhaps some individual counseling. There are also self help books available for folks in your situation – it might be worth checking some out of the library or picking one up in a bookstore. It’s really important for you to validate your feelings and know that you’re not alone. Don’t feel bad for seeking out some professional support for yourself. Addiction and recovery both have monumental effects on an addict’s loved ones. Your feelings are totally normal and valid, and you shouldn’t feel bad about having lingering resentments. Who wouldn’t?! 

I’m wishing you and your SO all the best.

Post # 8
Member
9737 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@anonymousbee62:   I must say, I deeply admire you for sticking by him through this.  I personally wouldn’t be able to cope with it at all.  You’re amazing and a very strong woman.  He is so, so very lucky to have you.  I hope and pray he never goes back to that addiction!  You have every right to feel resentful; you need healing for yourself for the damage he’s put you through and that will take time.  Both of you need healing, really, this is probably one of the most difficult things anyone could ever have to face.  I really wish you all the best.

Post # 9
Member
2906 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@anonymousbee62:  I hear you about feeling better by the time the appointment rolls around! But think of it as a checkup – sometimes you go to the doctor even when you’re not feeling sick to make sure you’re healthy and prevent getting sick in the future. As I’m sure you know first hand, recovery from an addiction is rarely a straight line from sick to healthy – there are bumps in the road, sometimes relapses, sometimes almost-relapses. I think it might be good for you to have a counselor who is there to make sure you’re taking care of yourself while you’re taking care of him. But reading some books is definitely a great first step! 

Post # 10
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

The sad truth is that if you’re feeling like he owes you something, if you’re feeling tons of resentment, that probably isn’t going to go away. Sometimes after you’ve been scarred by mistreatment for whatever reason, you’ll never fully trust that person again. 

My sister is also a heroin addict. We were really close growing up and now I can count the number of times I’ve seen her in the past five years on one hand. I’ve heard through the grapevine that she’s doing better, going to a clinic every day,  holding a job for more than two weeks for the first time ever, but I still can’t see her. I can’t forgive her for the things that she put my parents through. 

If you can do that, you’re a stronger woman than I am, but if you can’t…That’s okay too. I wish you the best.

Post # 11
Member
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Have you tried to attend al-anon meetings for family members with an addicted loved one? A good support system can help you work through the rough patches.

Post # 12
Member
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

If it makes you feel any better, there are plenty of 100% clean and sober man who are total boneheads about V-Day, anniversaries, birthdays etc.. as well 🙂

You have to give him a fresh start, and after all, off the drugs, he’s like a brand-new person.  Consider him to be a new person, and you’re in a new relationship.  Don’t bring old resentments into it.

 

 

Post # 13
Member
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think al-anon could really teach you a lot about what your role is in his recovery! I don’t personally have experience, but I can imagine how difficult it is. I wish you luck.

Post # 14
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@anonymousbee62:  You need to let go of the past. It doesn’t do any good to your relationship if you are dwelling on things that can no longer be changed. You need to forgive him or not, that’s up to you. but you do have to let it go. How would you feel if you learned he was secretly holding onto resentment for something so far in the past you did?

Post # 16
Member
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

If I were you, I would attend some Alanon Meetings. I’m not sure if they have a different version for Narcotics, or if they are just combined.  My father was an alcoholic all my life.  I probably should go to meetings, because I am still resentful sometimes.  He has been sober for a few years now.  Trust is something that will take a long time to build, and some days you’ll probably think of the past and become resentful, but you have to think of how he is now, and the progress he’s made.  I know my mother gets a lot out of her Alanon meetings.  And it’s a cheap alternative to therapy. 🙂

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