(Closed) I NEED THE BEE, Please Help a Crying Bee :-( (Long)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

k, well. If you stopped doing drugs, you could save up that money and go to counseling. 

Pot did a lot of horrible things to my family while I was growing up and honestly think it’s one of the most disgusting things a human being can do to themselves and those around them. And look at all the good it’s done to you guys. 


Post # 4
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Sorry to hear about this ๐Ÿ™ what is your relationship like normally (i.e. When his disorder is under control and you don’t have bottled up feelings)? It sounds like you both need to work on some things for yourselves and maybe that has to happen before things get better in your relationship. Before you mentioned that he is bipolar I was going to ask if he really feels that way about you… But understanding mental illness I know that true feelings get lost sometimes. Honestly the best advice I can give is for you both to try to get through your individual struggles without letting them impede on your relationship. I know a couple that recently broke up because of almost the exact same thing, and the fact that they refused to help themselves and instead expected too much from each other. Good luck, I hope things get better ๐Ÿ™


Post # 5
1417 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

Horrible situation.  You both seem bad for each other – or is it that you’re bad for each other when one or both of you are on drugs?  Perhaps when you are both clean you would get along well!  Keep trying to quit – that’s all you can do.  

Me personally, I wouldn’t go deeper into debt for counseling.  But some people might.  Ditto PP that if you quit smoking you could apply those funds to counseling. 

You are both in the wrong here.  But best wishes moving forward!

Post # 7
4430 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Drugs cost money, you’re in debt…stop smoking and get a head straight on your shoulders and maybe open your eyes and see your husband is literally trying everything to help you…even if it means hitting below the belt.

You have some growing up to do.

Post # 8
10221 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

@ConfusedAnonBee:  Instead of learning to fight fair, you both learn how to explain yourselves without needing to fight. It seems like both of you kind of know what buttons to push on the other person to escalate the situation. 1- you both need to stop smoking regularly (maybe allow it for weekends for now until you can ween yourselves off) 2- he needs to get his meds figured out and 3- you both need to be more considerate and understanding of one another.

Do you think you can figure out what it is that sends him over the edge? It seems like he verbally abuses you a lot, but at the same time from your post it sounds like this whole argument stemmed from you. You are both partners in this relationship, if one person isn’t happy neither is the other, but that doesn’t mean you need to drag him down with you because you can’t make it through a few days without weed. It sounds like your mind was made up on smoking and when he didn’t say what you wanted to hear you pestered him until a fight broke out. 

I think you both need to work on your lines of communication and learn from the nonverbal and verbal cues of the other person when to back down a little. It seems like you are both really headstrong and when no one is willing to bend a little, one person will eventually break.

Post # 9
3770 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

Even if it is pot, you can be addicted. I would talk with your doctor and see if there is anything you can do to get help for yourself. You need to get yourself clean, yes he should be more supportive, but you have to be the one to do the work. Once you are in a better place I would see how you feel about your relationship then, you are in a really vulnerable and emotional plave right now and you need to take care of yourself.

Post # 10
4765 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999


So sorry about the situation you are in.  Have you guys thought about doing drug rehab?

When you said he has bi-polar, that’s it right there.  Gotta be honest, this is a very common behavior for people with bi-polar, and sweetie, it dosn’t get better.  There can be better times, but he will always be prone to flip at any time for no reason.  There is no cure.  There are meds but it’s far from a cure.  Is he on meds?

If you want my blunt opinions it’s either leave or tell yourself at these time “it’s not him, it’s the disease talking” and forget about it and move on.  I’m not sure which one of these options is easier.

Post # 11
7650 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Sorry but it certainly sounds like you fought dirty to me. Ripping the covers off of him because he went to bed and you wanted to talk? That’s fighting dirty.

I don’t think he should have said those things to you but I do think that you both have a lot to work on if you want to make this relationship work.

I think the other PPs have a good point- take the money you used for drugs and put it towards counseling. Are you religious? I know our pastor offers counseling for free so perhaps you could look into that.


Post # 12
528 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

View original reply
@ConfusedAnonBee:  you know pot is not a drug you’re actually physically addicted to. You can actually stop. Especially since you’re in 20k debt, you should quit buying the ounces or bags or whatever it adds up. Also you can and should stop hanging with your friends who smoke weed. If they can’t control themselves and respect that yous two are trying to quit.

Post # 13
1881 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@ConfusedAnonBee:  hon, I’m sorry you’re hurting. You guys have to learn to communicate without fighting/yelling/lashing out when you disagree. Since he is struggling with mental illness, you need to try to be the one to take control and say “let’s calm down”, and then step away when things escalate. As in, when you are talking and you know his tone and your tone are starting to change and become aggressive, you have to CHOOSE to go to separate areas of the house and cool off. No resuming the conversation – any conversation – until you’re both calm. 

If you both have such an issue with pot that you can’t just stop smoking, maybe cutting down slowly is the answer.   

Post # 14
1225 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Change doesn’t come from sheer willpower, it comes from having a definite strategy with defined goals and rewards. (For example, “fighting fair” might be part of a larger goal to communicate more effectively).
You both seem like you genuinely want to change, and that’s the first step. There’s lot of books at the library to help you through this, or you might look for support groups or addiction recovery groups in your area (sometimes these are run by schools, community groups, hospitals, religious organizations, etc.).  

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