- 4 years ago
- Wedding: June 2013
Sorry for length and THANK YOU SO MUCH for reading.
I can’t believe I am already back to my anon account… Well, I suppose it isn’t that hard for to believe given we have fought so much lately. It feels like one or twice a week, maybe for a few months now. It is so exhausting; I am exhausted.
Last night, for the first time, I requested that he sleep on the couch – This is how hurt and angry I felt.
Now that I have slept on it, I am starting to realize the mistakes I made yesterday. But one mistake I did not make is fight dirty (I think?).
DH and I have been huge stoners for most of our relationship. We both want a better lifestyle, so we decided to stop (for the 100th time). The first week was amazing; I was strong, dedicated, eating right and positive. Then we went over to my neighbor’s place on Sunday and both smoked. That was a super bad idea because yesterday, it was all I could think about. So I called him and texted him in attempts to sway him (after all, it has worked in the past – and yes, I know I am weak).
He tried (a little) to get me on the optimistic and positive side of things, but to no avail (honestly, he doesn’t try for very long before he gets upset with me for staying upset and or giving into my temptation).
When I got home, I was in the same state of mind. It got ugly, and I can’t even pin-point when.
He basically put me down.
He didn’t call me pathetic, but he would insinuate it by saying I am acting pathetic (ouch), among other things.
When he gets upset, or impatient, or high (not the drug kind) and mighty, he always hits below the belt. If f***ing hurts you guys.
I tried pointing out to him that he was not fighting fair. I even gave him 2 hours to cool off.
I say ‘‘Why do you feel the need to demean my character with hurtful words’’
He would say ‘‘Ha… What character! (hurtful tone)’’
I tried explaining to him that these personal attacks, degrading of my character, emotional hitting (you wouldn’t physically hit me, right? So why hit me emotionally) were going to drive me to leave him one day. I hate to say that to him, but he kept refusing to realize the gravity of his words. And it’s true, one day I won’t be able to take the hurt anymore. He pretty much said go right ahead (ouch, again). Our whole conversation consisted of me trying to get through to him and him ignoring me only stopping in order to say more hurtful things. I was literally talking to the back is his head (so frustrating).
I was so hurt and frustrated that I told him I didn’t want to sleep in the bed with him that and he said ‘‘fine, have fun sleeping on the couch’’. I said ‘‘No, you please sleep on the couch (yes I said please)’’. He basically ignored that and went to bed. Well I wasn’t having it – I refused to be mistreated and then ignored because he doesn’t want to talk about it after a two hour cooling period. I basically ripped the covers off of him (twice) and he got fed up and left the room.
I slammed a few doors and screamed (not at him, just screamed to let out my frustrations) and then sobbed (I cried so hard) in the bedroom for half an hour, maybe more, and more than once.
I understand where his frustrations are stemming from and I told him this – I realize it is frustrating for him to want to quit weed and move on with life and here I am having a hard time with it. But that is no reason to treat me like that.
We need counseling so bad, but cannot afford it (we are almost 20K in debt). I even asked our family doctor about it and he doesn’t know of a way for us to get marriage counseling covered by OHIP (Ontario Health Insurance Plan). Sessions run at $130 each, is it smart to increase our debt for the sake of our marriage? – debt really stresses me out.
He has been taking steps to improve his bipolar disorder. After quitting his first medication shortly after the wedding it got bad again (it was getting slightly good (yes, slightly) for a while leading up until the wedding, one of the ways I justified staying with him – he was trying and as long as he is trying and improving, that is good enough right? Wrong). He just started a new medication and his mood swings are slowly getting better, but that doesn’t help him when he sees red…. He cannot for the life of him fight fair with me.
I don’t know what to do. His words can hurt so much. I actually try very hard not to say things that could impact his emotions negatively (certainly avoid hits below the belt and name calling). I think that sometime I don’t even say what I truly feel because I know it could hurt his feelings.
Sorry for rambling, I am a hot mess. Feel free to ask anything.
He is currently waiting for a referral so he can ALSO get some individual counseling…
I feel like our relationship is hopeless 🙁
I feel like a complete idiot for marrying this man – I fooled myself into thinking it could get better. I can’t believe I was actually contemplating leaving last night 🙁
Has anyone been with a man like this that was able to change his ways? Was he ever able to learn to fight fair?
It breaks my heart to look at our wedding pictures (from JUNE) and think that we might not even make it till next June. I am just so happy we don’t have kids yet.
PLEASE HELP 🙁