(Closed) I NEED THE BEE, Please Help a Crying Bee :-( (Long)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@ConfusedAnonBee:  Thank you for your honesty in your post.  I do not believe you need to be counseled on the drug usage, and what it is or is not doing for your finances.  It is an addiction, and so if you want to ‘quit’, the cold turkey method is not the most effective by any means.  Let’s move onto the fighting part…

This is your husband now, and so you owe it to one another to work harder and and fight harder for one another.   But, you BOTH need to put forth the effort.  Be open, and be willing to changes – in your lifestyle perhaps, your communication, your approach, etc. 

There is a major diagnosis at hand that will make this journey harder.  He is Bi-Polar, and it is an illness that often needs medication.  I think he needs to be willing to accept that, and do his part in ensuring he remains as healthy as he can; for you, for him and for your relationship. 

Did these problems exist before marriage?  Were you hopeful a marriage certificate would automatically solve them??  My hope is that your answer is no.  They say, and I am not there yet, the first year of marriage can be the hardest.  There is transition, expectations, adjustments, etc that need to be made – regardless if you were with that person for 10 years or 10 months. 

Can you change him??  Nope. He has to change himself.  He has to want to change himself.  Can you work toward a common goal of fighting fair?! YES.  I think in your situation, until he can find a way to figure it out, when he sees red you NEED to walk away from him.  Don’t ‘fight’, don’t ask questions, don’t try to get him to see that he is fighting unfairly.  He will not, in that moment, understand.  It is incredibly hard to do, but until he can calm down, a calm communicative conversation cannot be had…where you calmly remind him that he HURT you with his words, and that you cannot continue to tolerate that kind of abuse. 

That is the short term response. The long term agenda needs to be, imo, seeking counseling, getting healthier together, and figuring out what is the root cause of your fighting.  What makes him SO MAD that he sees red. Good luck.

Post # 18
Member
4839 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Is there an addictions foundation where you are? They could offer a lot of help and free counseling. You should also start working with a non-profit debt counseling service. 

Post # 19
Member
1603 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@ConfusedAnonBee:  You should both high-tail it to a NA meeting- they’re free, so no excuses. I would encourage you to go to different meetings and not go together so you can take this journey on your own.

Truthfully, without being sober or working a program I don’t think your situation is bound to improve. You’re setting yourself up for failure by continuing to use, and a counselor will likely tell you the same.

Post # 20
Member
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

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@NJatTheDisco:  Addictions are not always physical. Oftentimes they are mental. There is no physical element to a gambling addiction, other than your body’s own natural endorphins. People can be addicted to just about anything and the OP may very well have a mental addiction.

To the OP: I hate to say it, but it sounds to me like you were fighting very, very dirty- he doesn’t want to do drugs. He’s trying to help you not do drugs. He’s an addict, and you’re trying to get him to succumb to his addiction? Not only are you letting yourself down, but you’re trying to drag him down with you.

I’m not saying that you don’t love him, but that is not an act of love. That is an act of selfishness and I can completely understand why he would get upset over it.

Tempting an addict with their substance of choice is very, very dirty indeed.

Post # 21
Member
1400 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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@NJatTheDisco:  that’s kind if like saying “you know you just have a mental disability not a physical one, you can just stop”

Its not that simple.

 

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@ConfusedAnonBee:  props to you for at least knowing you want to quit. It’s not an easy road, don’t beat yourself up too too much. 

With that being said, eventually you have to stop knowing it and start doing it. For your sake and the sake of your marriage. You need to figure out a way to quit. I think you’ll see the problems over it dissolve when it’s gone. He’s being a jerk but he’s feeling a lot of things too. Drug addiction is a major home wrecker, even when you smoke together. It always seems like it comes to a head somehow. 

good luck in your journeys and keep trudging!

Post # 23
Member
2957 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I have been smoking for over 35 years and never had any problems because of doing so. I sucessfully completed college, grad school, and have maintained a career for many years and my use has never been an issue. However, I do not consume alcohol. Just as not everybody who consumes alcohol is an alcoholic, not everyone who indulges in weed has a problem. There is such a thing as responsible use. But I smoke very little at a time and have gone as long as a year without and never had any “withdrawal” symptoms. FH however has the addictive personally (he has been clean and sober for 18 years now!), so while I might not know where you are coming from, he would understand.

The problem is really that neither of you “fight fair”. There are amny sources for counseling and some have sliding-fees based on incomes, budgets, etc. If you wish to save your marriage, you both must learn to fight fairly!

Post # 24
Member
1341 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

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@ConfusedAnonBee:  Honestly, I think he’s manipulating you with your emotions.  There’s a book I think you should read, it’s called Codependant No More.  

Knowing he’s using your emotions against you by being cold is power.  Once you realize that and accept it, I think you’ll be stronger!

Post # 25
Member
1603 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I would also add that many many people would not consider you to be “sober” if you are not working a program, even if you are not smoking.  As a PP said, not all people who use are addicts, but the people who are need more than just stopping to be truly sober.  I know many, MANY dry drunks who still have most of the same problems that they had when they were using.

If you’ve tried to stop multiple times and have failed, it’s time to explore other options.  Again, an NA meeting would be perfect for you…. even an AA meeting if you feel weird going to NA. I HIGHLY recommend it for you, and potentially alanon for your husband.

Post # 26
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee

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@lalalyanne:  @NJatTheDisco:  that’s kind if like saying “you know you just have a mental disability not a physical one, you can just stop”

Its not that simple.

+1000
 
You can be addicted to literally anything. Has nothing to do with the substance.

Post # 27
Member
859 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I am really sorry that you’re sad and I don’t want to make you feel worse but it sounds like your relationship is pretty toxic and it sounds like you contribute just as much to it as he does– ripping covers off, slamming doors and screaming is not a normal adult reaction to a fight. Also, texting him trying to get him to do drugs with you isn’t what I would call healthy. In turn, the way he speaks to you is not loving or healthy I’m sorry you have to deal with that. I would get counseling ASAP— even if you do have to go into debt. That may not be a popular opinion but this is your MARRIAGE and it really sounds like a turning point where y’all need to decide whether or not you’re going to stay together. Best of luck!

Post # 28
Member
7305 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I agree with a PP. NA is free. Attend… together/seperate/both to get support as you try to address your drug problems.

Also, STOP FIGHTING. Seriously, if either of you feel yourself getting upset, raising your voice, holding tension in your body, etc., then immediately disengage. Make this deal with him at a time when you are both calm. Make a plan, together, for how both of you will handle upsetness in the future. You could agree that either of you have permission to say, “I feel like I am getting upset and this discussion is going to turn into a fight. I do not want that to happen, so what if we put this discussion on pause so we can both collect our thoughts and calmly discuss it later?” If you know he has problems controlling his tongue when he is upset, then it’s in your best interest to de-escalate things before they get to that stage. And ripping the covers off of someone is NOT de-escalating things. You kept at him, you made it worse, and you need to own your own role in the fight. You wanted to be “right,” and marriage is not about being “right”. Marriage is about putting each other and the well-being of your relationship first. You were not showing any concern for the well-being of your partner and relationship in that moment. 

And you also need to communicate directly about your preferred methods of communication. Maybe you would handle feedback better if it was written in a letter. Mybe he receives feedback better early in the day when he is less tired. Really think hard about what techniques and strategies you can use to meet each other’s communication needs. Maybe even check out a few relationship and communication books from your local library that you can both read and discuss together. You have a lot of work ahead of you, but it can get better. Good luck!

Post # 29
Member
10039 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I really think you should look into NA meetings as other posters have suggested. I don’t think either of you were really fighting “fair”. I would probably be furious too if I was an addict and my spouse was dangling my drug of choice in front of my nose while I’m trying to quit. I’m not saying what he did was right, but I don’t think he should bear all the responsibility here.

Post # 30
Member
929 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Sunset Harbour

You both seem too immature to be in a real relationship right now. 

The topic ‘I NEED THE BEE, Please Help a Crying Bee :-( (Long)’ is closed to new replies.

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