- 8 years ago
- Wedding: May 2014
@ConfusedAnonBee: Thank you for your honesty in your post. I do not believe you need to be counseled on the drug usage, and what it is or is not doing for your finances. It is an addiction, and so if you want to ‘quit’, the cold turkey method is not the most effective by any means. Let’s move onto the fighting part…
This is your husband now, and so you owe it to one another to work harder and and fight harder for one another. But, you BOTH need to put forth the effort. Be open, and be willing to changes – in your lifestyle perhaps, your communication, your approach, etc.
There is a major diagnosis at hand that will make this journey harder. He is Bi-Polar, and it is an illness that often needs medication. I think he needs to be willing to accept that, and do his part in ensuring he remains as healthy as he can; for you, for him and for your relationship.
Did these problems exist before marriage? Were you hopeful a marriage certificate would automatically solve them?? My hope is that your answer is no. They say, and I am not there yet, the first year of marriage can be the hardest. There is transition, expectations, adjustments, etc that need to be made – regardless if you were with that person for 10 years or 10 months.
Can you change him?? Nope. He has to change himself. He has to want to change himself. Can you work toward a common goal of fighting fair?! YES. I think in your situation, until he can find a way to figure it out, when he sees red you NEED to walk away from him. Don’t ‘fight’, don’t ask questions, don’t try to get him to see that he is fighting unfairly. He will not, in that moment, understand. It is incredibly hard to do, but until he can calm down, a calm communicative conversation cannot be had…where you calmly remind him that he HURT you with his words, and that you cannot continue to tolerate that kind of abuse.
That is the short term response. The long term agenda needs to be, imo, seeking counseling, getting healthier together, and figuring out what is the root cause of your fighting. What makes him SO MAD that he sees red. Good luck.