(Closed) I NEED THE BEE, Please Help a Crying Bee :-( (Long)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
3081 posts
Sugar bee

@ConfusedAnonBee: I will start this off by saying i smoke pot almost everyday after work.

Now that being said, it is like alcohol. Some people can handle it and some people can’t. You do the drug, don’t let the drug do you. You say money stresses you out? Yeah if you are stressed out and in debt, you gotta stop smoking or cut waaay the heck down. It shouldn’t be a priority in your life, let alone your relationship.

Now concerning your relationship… honestly, have you guys ever been together when you weren’t pot heads? Sometimes having someone to smoke with blinds you to the fact that thats all your relationship is – someone to smoke with. I was in a bad relationship once and man was i blind. He could be horribily emotionally abusive and we fight and i would cry and then he would apologize and we would smoke and it all starts again. I am really glad my SO now doesnt smoke, and doesnt mind that i do. Our relationship doesnt circle around it – at all and neither does my life.

Now, if you guys really want to work on it. You need to understand that his bi polar disorder is going to make withdrawl more intense on him in the way of mood swings. The rest of us get a little moody and maybe have some trouble sleeping (or thats atleast how i am when i go more than a week or so) but for him, he cant control his emotions and feels more “stressed”. You guys need help. Theres many non-profit organizations or groups dedicated to helping people become sober  while providing free counseling. Maybe that is something to look into in your area.

 

I wish you guys luck.

Post # 48
Member
7305 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

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@ConfusedAnonBee:  “I know I contributed to the fight and now I realize that I did not fight fair. But I am at witt’s end…”

No, there is no “but” in this sentence. Every time you say “but,” you are shrugging off your share of the responsibility for this situation. You are making excuses for yourself, and you need to stop. I’m not saying this to be mean. I’m saying this because, until you empower yourself to take full responsibility without excuses, you will not feel empowered enough to start taking steps in the right direction. Every time you try to excuse your behavior you are allowing yourself to stay stuck in the same pattern that lead to all of this negativity in the first place. Do not do that to yourself. Own your choices and behaviors. Take power and control over them instead of being victim to them. i know that’s a really huge, really hard, really raw thing to do. it takes guts to say, “I was wrong.” no ifs, ands, or buts about it. But when you get to that place where you can take full responsibility without excuses, you will finally be in a place where you can start making positive changes that will lead to better outcomes. You need to work on you AND work on your relationship. You and your marriage are worth the work. 

Post # 49
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If you ars both trying to quit then you both need to be selfish and worry about yourselves.  It’s really unfair of you to make both his own and your sobriety his responsability. If you are going to relapse  that is your choice,  but it doesn’t give you the right to bring him down with you.

Maybe he is trying to bring you down in some misguided attempt to make you see you need to get your act together. 

Either way, you both owe each other an apology.  You don’t have the right to treat him the way you are (and you keep saying you know that, but then justifying why you did in the next breath, so I don’t think you do).

Post # 50
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Out of the two examples of things he said in your OP I find neither one of them cruel or bullying.  If you want to toss the bully word around I would have to aim it at you trying to bully him into smoking with you.  Clearly I was not there to see this horrible, slam doors, kick him out of bed, sob worthy kind of actions from him so I am going off what you wrote and the conclusion I came up with is you were wrong.

 

Post # 52
Member
1138 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

You try to sway him to smoke pot after the two of you said you were quitting.  He makes a nasty comment about your character and you’re surprised?  I’d be questioning your character if I was him, too! 

 

If the shoe was on the other foot, you cannot tell me your reaction wouldn’t have been similar. 

 

You’re 20K in debt but have money for recreational drugs?  How is that even possible?   You should be putting that drug money towards your debt and not up in smoke!  Or use that drug money for therapy! 

ETA:  above you wrote that you’re upset that it wasn’t the drugs, that it was the fact that he was “cruel” to you.  Had you not tried to coerce him into smoking pot, you wouldn’t have given him any reason to question your character or demean it!

 

 

 

Post # 53
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee

@ConfusedAnonBee:  Honestly it sounds like the weed is the least of your problems, Pot can be used in moderation like alcohol (in fact its significantly safer) but if you couldnt keep it moderate and are putting yourself into debt, compromising your relationship, career or life in anyway then yes, quit, hit up some NA for support. If you want to cheat and smoke- just do it and take responsibility for it- dont drag DH down with you. 

But in my mind the bigger issue is: He needs continued treatment for his bipolar disorder and you two need to fight fair. 

 

Post # 54
Member
1298 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

You both sound emotionally unstable. 

Post # 55
Member
9939 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@ConfusedAnonBee:  ((HUGS))  Good for you for deciding to live a clean lifestyle and good for him, too.

You’re being so hard on yourself.  This situation is extremely stressful and difficult to cope with.  But you have each other.  Don’t give up!  You can do this.

Try and remember all the things you two love about each other.  Realize there will be ups and downs, one-step-forward-two-steps-back progress and withdrawal to deal with.  It is not an easy thing you’ve decided to do, but it is a healthy and worthwhile thing.

Hang in there and give yourself, and him, a break while you’re going through this.  You and your marriage will be so much stronger once you conquer these demons.

Post # 56
Member
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

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@ConfusedAnonBee:  I think it’s good that you seem to be trying to be honest in your posts. You have admitted that you both acted wrong during your fight. It’s a good sign, in my opinion, that you have recognized that.

Here’s what I would suggest:

1. Come up with a plan for quitting pot. If you need to write it down or something then do it. For instance, you can figure out how many days a week you actually smoke pot; then cut back by one day for a few weeks. Then cut out another day. Gradually, you’ll wind up working down to a single day and, after a while, you won’t be smoking at all. It does take strength and willpower at times, but it’s the same idea with smoking.

If that doesn’t work then you can try rehab or try quitting cold turkey.

2. Avoid temptation. Do not hang out with anyone who smokes pot. You don’t have to stop caring about the person or being friendly with them, but you do need to remove yourself from temptation. It is your responsibility to be able to stay clean, not anyone else’s.

3. Find something to fill your time or something to do when you feel yourself starting to fight a craving. Is there a hobby you love to do? Maybe you could focus on doing that and see if it helps you work through the craving.

Now, onto the communication isses:

You said that DH is bi-polar and you thought things would be better after the wedding. Sadly, you know that isn’t true. Your DH is sick, just like someone with cancer is sick; his disease just doesn’t have any physical effects.

My suggestions:

1. Look into counseling. See if any local churches offer free counseling or if you can get discounted rates through state programs. You both need couples counseling as well as individual counseling to help find the root of your communication issues (and a counselor may be able to help you with your pot addiction as well).

2. You need to do what you can to stop situations from spiraling out of control. If you start to notice that the discussion is getting heated or unfair then take a step back, take a breath, and suggest that you guys should take a little break from talking. You can go and do different things in different rooms for a little bit to calm down and then restart the conversation later.

3. I think you realize now that trying to manipulate him into smoking pot with you isn’t a good idea. I would highly recommend that you avoid doing that in the future, as it seems like it might set him off.

4. If you really can’t afford the counseling, then maybe you can check out a book on communication from the Library. At the very least it might be able to help you find coping mechanisms or ways of defusing an argument before it happens. And getting a book on Bi-Polarism might be a good idea as well, if only to give you a better idea of how to handle living with one (I know you said your father also had it, but sometimes it can be helpful to get another point of view).

You’re 100% right that it isn’t fair that he takes cheap shots at you. But it also isn’t fair that you tried to manipulate him or that you ripped the sheets off of him twice when he wanted to sleep and you wanted to talk more. That said, I wish you both a lot of luck!

Post # 57
Member
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

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@NJatTheDisco:  I’m sorry that you feel this way simply because I disagree with you.

Reading any of my previous posts on the topic, you’d quickly come to find that I’ve never smoked pot. Not even one time. (I don’t even think it should be legal, but I think a lot of Bees disagree with me on that one.)

Please do some more reasearch before making assumptions about whether or not someone else has an addiction. Like I said, gambling is a HUGE problem for many, many people, and there is zero substance abuse involved in that type of addiction.

Likewise, you may have heard about the Tiger Woods debacle a couple of years back? I believe he went to therapy for sex addiction, which is also a real thing. Again, so substance abuse there.

Post # 58
Member
9939 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Wow, the Bees are really giving some tough love here … this would be a hard thing for anyone to cope with.  It might seem simple but there’s a lot of suffering involved in overcoming and implementing such serious (even though positive) lifestyle changes. 

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@ConfusedAnonBee:   If you fall – pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back to taking those positive steps forward.

Post # 59
Member
42 posts
Newbee

I quit cigarettes the minute me and my love got together officially. I did my last puff in front of her, promised i will never do it again then flushed the rest of the pack down the toilet.

most people been saying that I will never be able to quit because I loved smoking, all I had in mind was “you f***ing watch me, I promised her and I will keep my word”

weed can’t be as addictive as cigarettes I guess, if a ex-chain smoker can quit in a day, u can do it too.

it has been 2 years I gained 10kgs and still smoke free.

Post # 60
Member
2115 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

ConfusedAnonBee

Thats tough! im sure thats only the tip of the iceburg too. i think if you guys are really trying to quit those meetings someone mentioned might help. My DH is not a fair fighter either and i always assumed it was a guy thing. he uses names like bitch, or pathetic and so on and so forth. I usually stop him and have to tell him that he is acting like a child. That i dont ever ever call him names! ever! i may yell at him but im not like you fucking asshole. i cant ever go to sleep when we fight. he hates it. he will try to sleep on the couch and ill just be hysterical since i seriously cant sleep while angry. he sure can lol. but my DH does recognize the words hes using is childish. though he still needs to work on not using them at all. When we first started our fights used to be worse and mostly cuz we would drink a bit. Life and relationships will be a bit rough when you guys are both trying to quit rec. drugs. or even if it was cigs. i thing it was really rude he said you had no character. that would hurt. does he understand that? But work with your husband. life is a longgggg lesson. he has a lot of time to change his fighting habits and you both have time to change your smoking habits. Your not the only one that fights like cat and dogs. The personal counceling he will get might help you both as well. good luck!

Post # 61
Member
457 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

View original reply
@ConfusedAnonBee:  Like many others here, your best bet is getting some help. NA may be helpful, but I see your problem less as a “drug addiction” and more like depression. I deal with recurring depression, and when it’s bad, I find myself falling into addictive behaviors, like watching marathons of crappy TV. I stay in bed, don’t get my work done, and generally feel awful (but turn to TV to make the time pass). If you’re dealing with depression, you may be using weed as that thing to make you feel better, and curing you depression can be the first thing to help you break that habit.

I usually employ the help of my husband when I’m too depressed to get the job done myself. I ask him to look up/call counseling centers and make my first appointment for me.

Like you, I’m in debt, so it’s really hard to find money for counseling. I ended up going to a counseling center that uses grad students from the local university, and was able to get a low price on a sliding scale. Also, I have no idea what your profession is, but right now I’m doing therapy for free because I’m redesigning her website. Maybe there’s a bartering opportunity somewhere that will work for you.

I really think weed is a symptom of a bigger problem for you, so dive deep and take care of those issues before they eat at your marriage. Best of luck to you!

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