(Closed) I NEED THE BEE, Please Help a Crying Bee :-( (Long)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 78
2254 posts
Buzzing bee

I haven’t read through all of the previous posts, but seriously? Neither of you sound like you are capable of being in a relationship right now. The way both of you behaved is not the way two loving, mature adults deal with conflict. I’d take time and work on improving your own life before joining someone else’s. 

Post # 79
1530 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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@ConfusedAnonBee:  First of all I want to congratulate you and your DH on your decision on making a major life change regarding your marijuana use.  Making such a major life change is a struggle for the strongest of couples – so you need to be aware that their will be alot of up and downs during your quest to sobriety. 

Your argument with your DH did get ugly, but it sounds to me like it started because you wanted him to pull you out of the deep end. However,  you both need to learn how to manage your cravings separately.  He is struggling as well, and may not be strong enough to support you too.  Go to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting and find a sponsor there.  Reach out to this person when you are struggling with your addiction. This way you and your DHs sobriety will be independent of eachother. 

Stop hanging out with the people you usually smoke with – stop going to places you smoked in – stop doing the things that trigger you or remind you of smoking.  Find new hobbies to enjoy together.  Refrain from romanticizing any experiences you shared when you were high. 

Make individual lists of reasons why you each want to stop smoking marijuana – and for you DH encourage him to make a list as to why he wants to get his bi-polarity under control.  You can also include the negative aspects to smoking pot on this list. Keep in mind, being in a relationship with someone that is bi-polar is going to be difficult until he finds the right combination of medicine – or an alternative way to self-soothe.

You both turned to pot to help you deal with something that you could not handle.  You both need to learn how to handle life sober without being dependant on something – or someone else.  This will take a lot of soul searching, time, and new experiences.  At times you may feel like you are drifting apart (again because this is a major life change) but in the end your sobriety should strengthen your relationship and communication if are right for eachother.

Post # 80
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@ConfusedAnonBee:  I hope you are feeling better!! It’s really unfortunate that there seems to be so many harsh words on here – seems pretty counter productive! Hopefully you are able to see the great advice and encouraging words from many bees that is mixed in amongst the mess of negativity. There is some GREAT advice in there. Don’t let the others bring you down. 

Post # 81
1460 posts
Bumble bee

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@NJatTheDisco:  I see your comment got moderated for being out of line…but for the record and to combat narrow mindedness-I have never, ever smoked anything, legal or illegal, in my life. But I have witnessed addictions and that’s from where I speak and offer empathy instead of judgment.

OP, I hope you and your husband are able to get the help you need. You can beat this and your relationship will be stronger for it. 

Post # 85
522 posts
Busy bee

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@BellaDee:  +1, took the words right out of my mouth. 

Post # 86
4839 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Addiction makes you do things you wouldn’t normally do. It takes over. Then you feel guilty, and the cycle continues over and over. This isn’t about immaturity or choices, addiction takes away your ability to choose. Even if you’re not sure you’re addicted but you feel like you’re ready to change the way your life is going, I really think you should seek some medical help.

Talk to your doctor and/or an addictions counselor, they can help you navigate where to go from here. 

It really sounds like you both want to change this and I think a lot of the fighting is pure frustration. I think it’s very possible you can turn this around if you’re both on the same page and ready to put in the work.

Good luck to you both 🙂

Post # 87
1097 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

If either of you work somewhere that supports this, many jobs have EAP programs that provide free counseling.

Post # 88
2861 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

You tried to get him to relapse with you…. that doesn’t exactly suggest outstanding character. This thread doesn’t make a lot of sense to me- you don’t seem to take any responsbility for yourself or your actions. It’s all ” but he did this”, ” I suffer from this”, ” he’s a bully” etc. If a Bee came and posted this but flip flopped it EVERY ONE would be telling her to leave her husband. So I can’t say that I really have a lot of sympathy for you. Get to NA, STAT. 

Post # 89
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Never give up! Good for you on getting right back up after falling down. Day 1 is just the first day of your victory march!!

I strongly agree with pps that suggest Narcotics Anonymous. Compulsive marijuana use definitely qualifies as an addiction.

I really encourage you both to go to the meetings, by yourselves, and then later come together to work on your relationship as two people who are clean. At that point you will be able to see the lay of the land much better.

Post # 90
1268 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1994

I would make sure he gets back on medication, and see how things go from there. You might be able to find some couseling resources in your community that are low-cost. You’de have to do a search though for it.

Post # 91
100 posts
Blushing bee


I have no advice for you on your husband’s ability to fight fair. Maybe read about bipolar some more or speak with your family doctor about it? I’m not sure it will get better.

If NAnon isn’t your thing (and I can understand why it might not be) have a look at this site (it’s the best of its kind I’ve run across, despite its awfully cheesy name): quitweedandsucceed.com

To my mind you quitting will be the easier mountain to climb. Tackle that, then see if you guys can change your husband’s behaviour. Good luck.

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