(Closed) I need to convince the church…

posted 9 years ago in Ceremony
  • poll: Tasteless to sweet-talk church into letting me use their venue?
    Totally tasteless. Leave the poor church alone. : (16 votes)
    64 %
    No, why not? It's only tasteless if you cry, scream, or throw a fit when they say no. : (9 votes)
    36 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    286 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2009

    I am not catholic, but the church we are getting married at requires at least one of the to people to be a member. So while i dont think it’s tastless to try and convince them. . . they most likely will not budge. Is there any where else that looks or feels similar to this courtyard?

    Post # 4
    Member
    321 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I’d say it’s not out of the question to ask again. However, I might go at with a little more presentation. But mind you, my experience is coming from planning a wedding in Adelaide, SA and I contacted at least 50 churches and so I base my knowledge on that experience, however, it might be different here in the states.

     

    I composed an email with details about each of us and our commitment to each other. It might help that my significant other went to seminary, but I don’t know, I added it anyway. I also talked about our commitment to God (even if you pray you aren’t hit by a bus, you have a spiritual life, I am guessing, as you are getting married). I also mention that my pastor put us on a distance ed pre-marital counseling course, and if you are enrolled you could share this. And if you aren’t, it might be worthing think about, even if you know all the ins and outs of relationships, it’s likely you’ll learn something.

    They don’t want people getting married for the wrong reasons and they want to know you are committed to forever. It’s an investment for them as a church, marriage means a great deal and they want to see success and people and that are willing to do the work. You’d like to know that you are investing your "money" with a reputable source, I imagine. They feel this way about marriage.

    And as far as donation goes, I have no idea what you are thinking in the form of donation, but you also need to consider that if the SIL can’t officate you will have that fee on top of the courtyard rental.Have you looked at their website to see what they charge for an indoor wedding? Some churches list this and others don’t. From my experience it is common that a church fee could be $700 and up, maybe even $1400, but it depends on the church, typically the size and the desireability to wed there. If just using the courtyard I would think you could at least take 30% off. The officiate fees probably start at $400. So, it wouldn’t really be a donation and the church is more apt to want you as members because their invest is the long term, that is they would like you to invest your life and love in Christ and that means being a member of the church/

    It can’t hurt to try again but I would suggest that you compose a letter to send to them.

    Post # 5
    Member
    2889 posts
    Sugar bee

    What is mor important, having the pastor you want or the location you want? If it were me, I would chose the pastor and give up on the location. However, if the location is your priority, I would suggest you officially joing the church and attend Sunday mass reguarly immediately then you can show that you are willing to become an active member and are serious about your commitment. You will, most likely, get a budget as a member so making a couple of small donations along the way can’t hurt. I would not let on that you are planning a move. Clearly, your move must have strong motives, as it gets closer, you can mention to the priest that you have this great opprutunity to move to England for (career, family, etc.). I don’t think they will budge on the other pastor but maybe she could talk to them.

    From talking to my priest, marriages are pretty territorial grounds for them. I too had to join the church in which I want to get married even though my family are members, my parents "belong" to a different church and I don’t live nearby so I never joind either church as an adult, just attended when I was in town with family. We were encouraged by the priest to make donations and joined as soon as possible and we will have 2 years of membership giving him grounds to justify marrying us to the church my parents are members of. Sometimes the Catholic church makes no sense! Our priest knows we are not planning to move nearby after the wedding and will not be regular members. He also gave us permission to do Pre Caana at a parish closer to our current apartment. I hope you find an understanding priest this time around!

    Post # 6
    Member
    39 posts
    Newbee

    They won’t budge (sorry for the negativity  ).

    We are catholic, both of us, my Fiance wanted the ceremony in the big church in town, ours is only a few blocks away, literally, and obviously catholic. They did not let us, not at all.

    If they’re catholic, they won’t do it (sorry!) no matter how much you wanna ‘donate’ . Something along the lines of ‘our church is not for sale’ kinda thing. 

    Go ahead and try, tho, but you might wanna start finding ‘faults’ with the place so that in case they totally flat out deny you the blow is not so hard. Luck to you! 

    Post # 7
    Member
    133 posts
    Blushing bee

    You could explain the specific circumstance (that you’re moving to England) and hope they come around, but I wouldn’t count on it. If it’s as beautiful a church as you say, they probably get a ton of requests from random non-members and had to come up with a policy.

    Post # 9
    Member
    883 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2009

    Its worth asking, but you need to be upfront with them about leaving etc. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    883 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2009

    Oh just a random note for ya – the Episcopal Church is a protestant church. 🙂 Just so ya know.

    Post # 12
    Member
    2641 posts
    Sugar bee

    It sound kind of like you want to have your wedding there because you admire the building or landscaping etc.  In their eyes, it’s not a good reason to hold your wedding there.  It’s not about how pretty something is.  To them it’s about marrying with a commitment to God.  And based on what you’ve said, that’s not your motivation.

    I suppose you could just be honest and tell them you are moving to England after the wedding.  But I would definitely not lie to them in order to have there.  (Not that you were indicating that you would.)

    Post # 14
    Member
    2641 posts
    Sugar bee

    If it’s important to your Fiance, maybe he should be fighting this battle.   Maybe he could legitimately tell this church that he intends to go to the church (at least until the wedding.)  Or that he’s wanting to get back to weekly church, and this is a good time, since one day you’ll be having children and shaping them religiously.

    Although, I wouldn’t recommend that he say this, if he’d be lying.

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