Post # 1
Hello Lovely Bees,
I need some sage advice or suggestions for some self-help reading material to help me escape the rut I have been living in for the past couple of years. I am ready for a major change and I am lost as to what steps to take and what direction to turn. If anyone has been in my shoes before, I would appreciate any words of wisdom on how you turned your life around.
Please find my Debbie Downer life story below to get a better idea of what I am dealing with:
I am 28 years old and I still live at home with some domineering, negative parents because I have a very low paying, dead end job. Up until a couple of years ago, I was working in a the field that I went to school for and I was paid very well. I quit due to an emotional brakedown from a stressful job and the never ending bullying and emotional abuse from a group of coworkers. I was was unemployed for a long time and went through a string of temp job until I was hired for the job I work today. I know I need to get a new job but I am tired of working jobs that I have zero interest in and that make me dread getting out of bed in the morning. I have no idea what field I would like to work in and I just desperately want to a solid decision on what I should focus on. Sometimes I feel the draw to move out of state and go on an adventure, other times I feel desire to stay at home. I belive I should go back to school but once again, I dont know what to focus on in school.
I am so wishy washy with everything and I never commit to seeing anything through. I am also aware that I am in a constant negative, bad mood that is really starting to become a burden to me and those around me.
In my quest to find myself, I have also realized that I rely too much on others for emotional support. My family is only supportive if I do what they want. My friends are in a similar boat to me but they are one sided and they only care when I am supporting them. My romantic relationships are always dead and I believe I am attracting what I put out. Also, my esteem is in the toilet. I went to counseling a few times, thinking it would help me out, but it just made things worse.
I guess what I am getting at with all this rambling is that I desperating want to find myself and become a happy, satisfied individual but I need the help to get there. Any motivational book suggestions would be a great help!
Post # 2
It sounds like you’re putting a lot of pressure on your career situation but you’re not in a place to change it right now. That’s ok, put it on the backburner for a minute. Then try everything. Pottery class, running group, softball team, volunteer at an animal shelter, volunteer anywhere, just put yourself out there. Sometimes it takes finding something you love doing to get out of a funk. And maybe you realize your dream job in the process, but even if you don’t at least you’re doing something that makes you happy right now.
Best of luck!!
Post # 3
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
I started writing a reply but then realised that jennmariee said everything I was going to say! Find a hobby or activity which you love for starters and hopefully that will make a big difference to your mood and self esteem.
Post # 4
Maybe look up “In the Meantime” by Iyanla Vanzant. I remember reading it many years ago and thought it was good.
Also, have you seen your doctor about possible depression? If not it may be a good idea.
Post # 5
Don’t Make yourself feel even worse than you do. There is nothing wrong with taking steps back and being where you are. You went through a super crappy situation and are now able to work again (yay!). Congratulations on being able to get out of bed and go to work after all the bullying you endured at your prior nightmare job. So what if it’s low pay? A lot of people have low paying jobs when times are tough. It doesn’t mean that it has to be forever.
Years ago at the age of 28 I broke my leg and couldn’t drive, walk, do anything for 6 mnths!!!it was a horrible break. Guess what? I had to move out of my apartment back to my parents place. It was devastating. I lost all of my freedom and went into a mild depression. At the same time i had a bf who decided i was too much trouble now that i couldnt be independend. Good riddance to him! Who knows? Maybe if tis didnt happen i would have stayed with that loser only to be dumped in the future when thinga get tough. I had to live at home for about 2 years while I went through rehab and slowly got back into full time work. It was tough but when you have no choice you have to just get on with the motions.
Things happen. Dont beat yourself up about it. Take care of you first, be kind and gentle to yourself. Men will always be out there, they are not becoming extinct 😜 yes there are a lot of bad ones but good ones too. I don’t know if you’re a religious person but prayer helped me a lot. I also agree with the PP about her book recommendation.
My book recommendation: fail again fail better. It’s a great read and explains that failing in life (and more than once) is often a great thing.
Post # 6
“The power of your subconscious mind” by Dr Joseph Murphy
This book helped me through a LOT! Hope you find a way forward soon bee x
Post # 7
I understand what you said about therapy. Therapy can be rough. It’s confronting the hard things, the things you don’t want to think about, don’t want to talk about. But, that’s the way you grow and learn. I’d suggest looking for a therapist that makes you comfortable. And then be prepared to cry through therapy. It’s a place where you need to learn new thought patterns, a place to recognize your own shortcomings, a place to make changes that benefit your life. None of that is easy. But after a few months of sticking with it, you should see a positive change. I’d recommend looking for a cognitive behavioral therapist.
I think most people hit low times. I know I have. Nothing you mentioned is insurmountable, and the fact that you posted looking for a change is really heartening. You can do this!!
Post # 8
I loved Spirit Junkie by Gabrielle Bernstein, and Desire Map by Danielle Laporte!
Post # 9
- Wedding: February 2017 - Edson Keith Mansion
I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way. This is only based on personal experience (so take it with a grain of salt), but to me it sounds like a fair amount of these problems come down to self-esteem and a sense of self worth. If you can work on those things first, other pieces of the puzzle will be easier to put into place.
My self esteem used to be pretty low and I spent a lot of time wishing it would change and I’d feel better about myself, but one day it just hit me that my self-esteem was never going to change if I didn’t give it a reason to. So I joined a group fitness class (sort of like Orange Theory) and go every day at 6am. At first, I was really shy about going, so the trainer got on board and would text me encouraging/harassing things until I got in the swing of things. Forcing myself to go early makes me get up and get moving, which in turn helps me feel more motivated through the day. It has totally changed who I am as a person–I am so much more confident as a person, and I feel like this “new me” is able to open so many doors.
This isn’t a motivational book, but reading poetry might help you in terms of connectness, self esteem, etc. It’s not too late for you to find a job that you like and to turn things around. Good luck!
Post # 10
SEARCH for a therapist that resonates with you.
COMMIT to the knowledge that therapy sometimes needs to attack and investigate the “worse” before moving ahead to the “better”.
REMEMBER that a therapist is YOUR EMPLOYEE, not your self paid judge and jury.
READ self help books, and figure out which parts of what they say are you and which parts are not. EXPERIMENT with the tools that you find.
Prayer, volunteer, exercise, walk around a local community college and read the bulletin boards, look for something (+) EVERYWHERE and at least temporarily, ignore everything (-).
I’ve just sent for some books about getting rid of your mental gremlins, and I can’t wait to read them.
REMEMBER that it’s not just you. Find people who have fought through this part of life, and found the other side. If you can connect to a well run group dealing with problems similar to yours, it may be enlightening to you.
GOOD LUCK! Listen to people who BELIEVE IN YOU!
Post # 11
Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy by Sarah Ban Breathnach
Why Not You?: Twenty-eight Days to Authentic Confidence by Valorie Burton
Get Unstuck, Be Unstoppable: Step into the Amazing Life God Imagined for You by Valorie Burton
The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brene Brown
All of the above books have helped me through some rough patches! I definitely recommend the first two I posted.
I wish the best for you and know you can get through this! We have all been there, but you taking the steps to overcome your struggles is very admirable! 🙂
Post # 12
Hi I also agree with Therapy. Also, another good book that helped me tremendously is called “Monday Morning Choices”
Post # 13
I went to a year and a half of psychotherapy sessions and they honestly made me worse. I’m now seeing a psychologist who does cbt work with me and it’s making a huge difference because it’s about understanding why things are the way they are but it’s more about learning how to move forward and think differently. My upbringing was tough and has given me some horrible ideas about myself which I’m trying to learn might not be as true as I have thought all my life.
Being around negative people and people who require you to support them with no returns are not people who are helpful to you getting out of your rut.
For now trying something new and challenging might be a plan. What about something you loved doing as a kid? I loved to run and am now doing a walk to run programme that’s free to download and takes around 9 weeks to complete. Having small, achievable, deadlined goals might help you see the tangible control you have in your life and might make you think about yourself in a new way.
I know this is difficult and you probably feel impatient. So do something, anything rather than overthink it and end up doing nothing and wondering why things haven’t changed. I say that because it’s what I do! Good luck and big hugs 🙂
Post # 14
timatima : If you were a millionaire, what would you do? Would you spend your time reading? Volunteering? Driving fast cars? I think that looking at what your life would be without any limits is really telling. If, for example, you’d travel to Africa to volunteer with malnourished children… maybe you shouldn’t jet off to Africa, but you could consider working with children in some capacity or looking at non-profits that may give you more purpose than a “dead end job”. As far as your family and friends… I wouldn’t bother surrounding myself with people who didn’t REALLY support me. Supporting you with strings is not support. That’s just ammunition for their feelings of dominance over others. Don’t provide it.
Post # 15
Okay I know this is going to come off as harsh and I really dont mean it to be, but do you know that many many people work in dead end jobs and thats just the way it is. Millions upon Millions of people go to work and work in jobs they hate because, well, IT PAYS THE BILLS. They drag themselves out of bed every day regardless of whether they like it or not because they have too. Is it an ideal situation? Of course not, everyone on this planet would love to be working their “dream” job.
Life isnt unicorns and rainbows. You quit a well paying job because of coworker bullying, but instead of going to another job, you took time off to recover and likely your field left you behind. You say that nothing interest you. No one on the internet can give you an interest. You have to find something yourself, but until that time, invest yourself in finding another job so you can move out and get on your own.
A few other points.
You went to therapy a few times and when it got tough, you quit. Therapy makes you take a hard look at your own responsibilities to yourself. What is your part in your problems? It gets worse before it gets better because you have to own yourself.
You also say that you are relying to much on your friends for emotional support, see above, go back to therapy. They cant make you happy or be responsible for your happiness. Only you can do those things. Have you perhaps been such a downer in your relationship with them they cant take it anymore and have just backed away emotionally?
You need to sit down with a therapist and find out why you are so reliant on others, why you cant find yourself.
I dont mean to hurt you, I only say these things because oftentimes we dont see our true selves.