Post # 17
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
@sailor_girl:
He absolutely knows I’m upset… it may not have dawned on him that the lack of a proposal is what is making me so moody at the moment, but he knows I’m upset about a lack of proposal. Long story short (I’ve posted about it already) during a fight in the spring he said he was going to propose on our trip to Puerto Vallarta in July. He didn’t! I held back saying anything until after my 30th birthday last month, but during a fight I brought up how upset I was that he would tell me he was going to propose and then not do it. His response was, “Oh yeah, I did say that…I decided the whole doing it on the beach thing was just too corny and cliché and not my style”.
In the moment I was just angry and it didn’t dawn on me that I’m most bothered by not knowing why he is waiting. We have fought over the fact it hasn’t happened, and now I’m just picking a fight over pretty much anything. I want to find a way to ask him why he hasn’t yet, without it seeming like I’m just trying to complain about the fact he still hasn’t done it.
I also feel like we are in a vicious cycle… I’m angry and fighting because he hasn’t proposed… the fighting I’m certain makes him not want to propose… which then makes me angry and on edge.
I feel like if I could know why he hasn’t done it yet, then at least I’m not jumping to conclusions and maybe could be a little more patient, but I also feel like it will come across as nagging about it again, since I did bring up the lack of vacation proposal last month.
Post # 18
Member
17 posts
Newbee
I totally feel your pain. I am going through a relatively similar thing with my boyfriend just now – we bought the ring together and I’ve been waiting for 5 months for him to pop the question.
After speaking to the girls on here about it, I asked him why he was waiting the other night. He told me it’s because he has a plan of when and where, and now he has that plan in his head – he wants to stick to it. Yesterday, we spoke about it again and I asked him for a timeframe. He said it’ll happen within 8-9 months. That has satisfied me for a little while, and it’s reduced my ‘crazy’ brain.
It sounds like you need to have the talk too, both for your sanity and your relationship. Trust me, it has made me feel so much better.
Good luck and big hugs xxx
Post # 19
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
@Countant819: Thanks for the extra info. I can understand completely why you’re frustrated. I would be sooo pissed if my Fiance did something like that to me.
I hope, though, that you’re able to tell him you feel angry b/c there hasn’t been a proposal and that you want to know what the plan is. It does sound like maybe he’s overthinking the proposal a bit. Or maybe he’s just getting cold feet. Either way, I hope you talk to him about it soon so you can figure out where his head is at. Good luck.
Post # 20
Member
27 posts
Newbee
@Countant819: I have NO IDEA why men do stupid things. We looked in October – we paid in April – HE PICKED UP ON MY BDAY in May, 2013!!!! and has yet to formally ask me. What is the deal? I told him it was a cruel joke. You dont buy a $20,000 car for someone and leave it in the driveway while you have control of the keys..thats just wrong. LOL I know it’s there…he knows it’s there so what the heck. I don’t know anymore. Just know that there is always someone else out there that has been waiting longer than you, or me! I don’t mention it much anymore, but it is def becoming more frustrating to handle my emotions. Grrr…only thing I can say is go about your life and act like you don’t care 🙂 he will come around.
Post # 21
Member
27 posts
Newbee
@Redapple89: how long have you been with your SO? My SO has had my ring for almost 5 months as well – but we have been together for 10 years!!
Post # 22
Member
17 posts
Newbee
@jtk717 we’ve been together for 4 and a half years. 10 years! Congratulations, and i hope he gets his skates on!! 🙂
Post # 23
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
@Countant819: I completely understand what you’re feeling… I recently had a talk with my SO about how waiting makes me feel like he’s unsure of the decision. He said it’s not it, and revealed that a lot of why we were still waiting was because he’d been dragging his feet on having uncomfortable conversations- one with my dad to tell him his intentions, and another with his mom to ask for a family ring (for god’s sake he already told her he wants us to get married and she was excited; couldn’t he have asked then!?) I started crying and he didn’t understand why; to me, it sounded like he was saying it wasn’t worth the awkwardness and anxiety to be engaged to me. I guess what I’m trying to say is that men just see it differently; it’s not as big a deal to them, it’ll happen when it happens, and they’re ok just letting it run its course, whereas we’d like to see them be very proactive about setting the plans into motion. Talk to him, and maybe he’ll understand how important this is to you!
Post # 24
Member
1768 posts
Buzzing bee
@Countant819: why are you waiting? You have a child inwho is already from a broken home that is invested in him.. I would simply ask him when he would like to get married and start planning.
After 3 years and your ages hon, if he is not willing to set a relative soon date to make you his wife, I would stop acting like one. If he won’t marry you, you need to cut your losses.. His talk is cheap, his actions are telling you he is complacent with you as his live in friend. That’s not the best example for your child. If u end up having to move on, I would learn and not move my child in unless it is clear there will be permanence.
Good luck. Hope it works out.
Post # 25
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
You ladies are right… I need to talk to him! The last time I posted, the advice was to shut it up for awhile, but i think we need to have a converation about why he is waiting and set a timeline.
I’ve been meaning to talk to him about it the past few nights, but he has been on call and gotten called out when I was getting ready to start a conversation twice and we haven’t been alone without my daughter in the room much. She has a sleepover tonight and we will be alone, so i think it is time to have a serious conversation (I’m going to try hard not to get emotional!)
Post # 26
Member
3208 posts
Sugar bee
@Countant819: I think your conversation needs to be less about “when are you proposing?” and more about “When are we getting married?” If you moved yourself and your daughter in with him, you’ve dramatically changed your lives in hope of something that may not happen. I know it’s nice to think about your dream proposal and whatnot, but since you have a daughter to think about, I don’t think the issue is really the ring or the engagement.
I would honestly sit him down like two adults and rationally discuss your future. If there is marriage in that future, you need to set a date. Then work backwards from that date (ie – December 2014) so he knows he does need to propose before that. And heck – what’s the big deal about the proposal anyway? You could mutually decide to get married and tada! You’re engaged.
Post # 28
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
I just realized I never came back to update… sorry!
We had a good talk… he didn’t know how much it was bothering me. He thought we were both on the same page and just knew that yes we would be married, and that we just needed to go through the formalities.
I found out that a BIG reason he hasn’t officially proposed yet is because he has never met my Dad. There have been so many times they were supposed to meet in the 3 years we have been together and either plans fell through completely or he ended up having problems with work and couldn’t go. He knows he will only be proposing/getting married once, and he wants to do everything right. He doesn’t want to propose without meeting my dad and getting his blessing. He first met my mom (parents are divorced) 3 years ago, and sees her regularly, but he is traditional and wants my fathers blessing. My dad lives about 5 hours away. We have to go visit him, instead of him coming to us (which would be ideal with our work schedules and we have a bigger house and room for guests), because my dad was diagnosed with narcolepsy last year and isn’t allowed to drive until they get his medication worked out.
Long story short we worked out everyone’s schedule and planned a trip for last Saturday. Despite planning it a month in advance, his assistant took vacation at the last minute which meant he had to be on call. He worked out a contigency plan but because of some work emergencies, he couldn’t go last minute. My daughter and I still went to visit alone, and we are planning to return with him in a few weeks. It really wasn’t his fault, but it is getting frustrating that his reason for not proposing is meeting my dad, and meeting my dad has fallen through sooooo many times already.
I feel a little better knowing their is a reason (and one I hadn’t considered), hopefully we can work it out soon!
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