Post # 1
Okay, so I’m new here… Finally registered, as quite frankly, I need help!
Quick bit of info: going out with SO for just over two years, both in late twenties, independent, with stable jobs. He’s told me before that he’s never wanted to get married (his parents and a few of his friends are divorced already), but it’s something he’d do if it was important to the other person. It’s getting to be all we ever fight about any more…
He told me a few wks ago during a previous ‘discussion’ that if I’d just keep my mouth shut for 12 months then he might do it, but he doesn’t want to feel pressured. I think that’s an unreasonable time frame, but don’t feel like I have any other options at the moment than to put up with it. At the very least I want to be able to get through the next couple of weeks without having another argument!
So, I was wondering if any of you fellow bees could offer some distraction techniques/ ways to keep my mind from obsessing etc. I think I’ve nearly gotten to the stage where I need to put an elastic band around my wrist and snap it every time I want to bring up the subject.
p.s. Tried mrbee’s plan, which did make me feel better for a while, but ended up having a massive argument with SO, who thought I was being v.distant and complained I didn’t have enough time for him etc. etc. (We’re in a semi-long distance relationship, 3.5 hrs apart, so only see each other on weekends. Also, his ex cheated on him, so that makes him extra paranoid).
Post # 3
@Scarlets: Well theres several questions I am wondering about in regards to your situation
First, He said he would never get married unless the other person was adamant on it; Since being married has become a priority for you now, how has his view on the subject from before changed? Have you discussed any previous timelines?
The other thing is the recent arguments you have been having with your SO; have you tried to move up the 12 month timeline? Is that the timeline he’s hoping for enagement?- If so I dont think thats incredibly unreasonable (he might be saving up for a ring?) unless theres another reason you want to move it up?
I understand that it feels like a very long time to have waited, but I think its important to make sure the two of you are on the same page (because the arguments probably stem from that). I also think you need to (on your own) find out what exactly timeline wise you want, and idealy how you feel about the situation.
I also feel that it would be good for you to do things on your own for a bit; you need time to yourself too, but in a semi-ldr I can see how thats difficult. I hope his worrying doesnt stem from the mistrust of his past- I think reassuring him would be a good idea
Waiting is hard! I feel you there- its very very very hard. However I think you could distract yourself with hobbies! I think you could take time to yourself to do something that you havent had time for; reading club? collecting? redesigning your room? new wardrobe? scrapbooking?- or even start a movie club with some friends- I emphasize spending time with friends here. I think that would really make you feel more at ease, and also since you are spending time with friends, it should make your SO worry less. I have to admit though, I am concerned that he got paranoid over you taking care of yourself. Honestly, distracting yourself and sticking to it is the only advice I can give; even something small when you dont see him would work. Personally I have chosen to take up working out as my hobby and distraction- its good for me! I’ll be healthy! I’ll look good and feel good….all positives, so maybe that might work for you too!
Hope that helps
Post # 4
soooo if at the end of 12months you don’t mention one word about it…. on the last day do you get the ring for being a good girl?
This edict sounds crazy. I think instead of fighting you should talk to each other calmly and explain how it makes you feel. Also this is a pretty good post from snobunny
Post # 5
@HisIrishPrincess: yes I have to admit I was feeling the same a bit at first with that 12 month timeline- slightly confused? I could only explain it away with maybe saving up for something. I think your advice is good; talking frankly but not fighting. I believe in honesty, but I think we need a bit more info on the circumstances of the OP’s relationship here…
that was a good post link btw 🙂 good example
Post # 6
That was the first timeline he gave me… apparently he wants it to be a surprise, so could be before then, if I stop talking about it, maybe. I completely avoided the subject for the first year we were together, but since then have watched two close friends meet their respective partners, get engaged and married in under two years. That’s probably fuelled the frustration, as although I’m happy for them, I can’t stop myself feeling slightly jealous and wondering what makes them so special, why they’re engaged and I’m not. Probably self-esteem issues in there too, but it doesn’t help that one of the girls is a complete and utter bitch, who always has to be the centre of attention, always has to be right about everything, and says incredibly insensitive/ bordering on rude comments every time I meet her, but that’s another story…
Think SO is just terrified of commitment. The arguments begin when I even start to broach the subject, so don’t think trying to negotiate the timeline is a possibility. And money isn’t an issue, so that not a reason for him stalling. I don’t think he actually even properly thinks about it, which hurts. If I knew it would only be 12 months, then I could live with that. It’s the fact that I don’t quite believe that he means it.
I’ve taken up a few new hobbies lately (gym, sports etc). and do try to make time to see my friends, but still try keep practically every weekend free for him, as that’s the only time we get to see each other, which probably isn’t healthy.
Reading/ movie clubs sound fun, definitely going to look into that. Also, any excuse for shopping is always good, and I do need to overhaul my work wardrobe!
Thanks for pointing me to the post from snobunny. Agreed with quite a few things she had written.
Post # 7
@Scarlets:Read the book Why Men Marry Bitches! It’s the best book ever and should answer all of your questions. 🙂
Post # 8
First, let me preface this by saying that I’m not looking for an open dicussion about living together before marriage, but have you guys ever thought of that? I know that it does pose its own set of problems (the cow/milk analogy), but if this does have to do with his fear of commitment and bad expectations of marriage then maybe by living together it will calm his fears and make an easier transition. Maybe that can be worked into your timeline (Live together for 6 months, then get engaged?)
And the second thing is, dig deep and think about whether you want to marry a man who doesn’t really want to get married, but will just do it because it’s important to you. If you are okay with that, then stick it out and concentrate on YOUR happiness while being patient…(do things that naturally make YOU happy while enjoying your relationship.) But if that thought leaves you a bit uneasy, chances are it always will. Best of luck. 🙂
Post # 9
@Scarlets: I think you posed and answered alot of your own questions in there; You dont believe his timeline, and he’s afraid of committment, and he wont budge on this timeline issue- even if you have your doubts. You only see each other on the weekends- which it seems also worries you. Im only worried about your long term prospects with someone with such a hard stance on marriage, and committment- and how as priorities they only matter if they matter to YOU, not to him.
Talking shouldnt be an all or nothing battle- its meant to be a fair exchange of ideas, and frankly this sort of thing has to be discussed between you. I have a very hard time with the idea that he doesnt see it that way; its like MAYBE 12 months from now, you’ll get what you want…but he’s not communicating with you and that worries me also. I really feel you should focus on yourself, talk to him about your weekends too (I think the idea of living together might help with the issues coming from the distance, but make sure YOUR ready for that if you chose to approach him about it). Try and have fun (you deserve it, you cant be worried all the time!)
@phoenix718: This is a good option for the OP- kinda like a trial run here. Though I would approach it slowly and carefully- he might see this as an even bigger committment than getting engaged. I agree with your misgivings and with your advice 🙂
Post # 10
My Boyfriend or Best Friend told me a while ago that I needed to learn to stop talking. I argued about that and then one day I just got it. He is telling me that if I back off it will happen sooner. So I kind of think of it like a clock now. Everytime I want to argue about it, I think about resetting the clock.
Post # 11
@Sunflower–girl: That’s funny. I think of it in the same terms. “If I can just go 3 months…” And then I make it a week and the clock resets…”If I can just go 3 months…”
Post # 12
@Scarlets — you should think long and hard about letting a man control you like that! He’s basically saying if you’re “good”, if you behave, and if you can withstand this even-handedness for a full 12 months (jeeez, who could?), then maybe….
c’mon: this isn’t right and it only breeds more control, likely. Plus, he could just keep moving the goalposts back on you. You seem educated and intelligent and ripe for a good future with a good guy. He sounds just like my first husband – who put exactly these kinds of conditionalities on our having a second baby. Guess I wasn’t “good” enough as I only have one child (but now a new husband)! Got rid of the first one (and all his money, which he could NOT believe) once it all just got to be too much. I wish you the courage and strength to do the same. Ain’t easy.
Post # 13
…and I just want to add — the math gets real nasty in these equations. Like if you press him on the marriage thing, say, in a month or two, he may just go back to zero and start the 12-month count all over again. Guys like this do that. Why not? They’re in the driver’s seat, unless you leave them… counting… all by themselves.
Post # 14
@Scarlets: I think you need to take a step back and look at the situation. Sounds like he’s not a marriage guy and there is nothing wrong with that, but you shouldn’t be with someone who says they don’t find marriage important and that they would go through it if it was important to the other person. Sounds like you will end up with a “shut up” ring and have a marriage that he doesn’t want to be in.
I think you should really sit down and figure out where you want to be in the next 5 years. Will it be easy to be there with him? This is an important life decision and both parties should be on the same page. To me it sounds like he is basically telling you to STFU about the engagement stuff and if you are a good girl, he’ll get you that pretty shiny that you want. I wouldn’t want an engagement ring like that.
Post # 15
@Miss Tattoo: To me it sounds like he is basically telling you to STFU about the engagement stuff and if you are a good girl, he’ll get you that pretty shiny that you want. I wouldn’t want an engagement ring like that.
O-M-G…I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had that thought run through my head. I’ve actually asked him before if he was testing me.
Post # 16
I’m with Miss Tattoo on this one too.
Sounds like you should do some serous thinking…