(Closed) I need to vent big time. Is this cold feet or what?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@butterfly1988:  I would do what you want to do. Take it from someone who is 2 1/2 months out from her wedding. When Fiance and I started planning in Feb of 2012 everyone gave their “do this, dont do that” opinion.  We tried to please everyone, and then got to the point where we said, enough is enough.  We are getting married, lets focus on that. The party is for our friends and family and is only 1 day. It is an important day, but it needs to be what you want. 

If the two of you want a civil ceremony, do it! But, if you really want to have the traditional wedding, then you need to polietly let everyone know that you appreciate their opinions, but this is how you are doing it. We thought about having a quick civil ceremony and saving the money, but in the end we really wanted to have the whole wedding expirence.

Men are not that big into wedding planning, my Fiance will chime in and give an opinion when asked, but he tells me he wants me to have the wedding I have dreamed of and that he gets to marry me so he is already getting what he wants so he wants me to get the “vision” of my perfect wedding. 

Good luck, and no worries, it does get easier….and then harder…and then easier again Wink

Post # 4
8434 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@butterfly1988:  *HUGS* Couple things…STOP trying to please everyone.  Trust me, with a wedding, it gets you nohwere.  Someone is always going to gripe, complain or grumble about something.  It’s a losing battle, so don’t even waste your energy trying to win it.  The other thing is, it sounds like your Fiance loves you, but is really dedicated to his career, make sure that this is something you can live with.  Best of luck.

Post # 5
307 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Get the ball rolling! I think he just isn’t really that into the planning. A lot of guys aren’t bothered and don’t have an opinion on wedding stuff, very frustrating but all too common.

I think you should sit down, plan your civil ceremony and find out how he wants to go about it. I wouldn’t be surprised if you end up planning everything and then try and find a few jobs he can do so his touch is involved as well.

Don’t worry about his parents, and don’t worry about what they think! Plan a party you and your Fiance will enjoy and run with it 🙂

Post # 6
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Your fiance gave you a target date that he would like, and that having a civil ceremony would mean a lot to him.  Guys in general don’t sweat the little details, and when they give serious suggestions, it tends to be important to them.  Thing is, he gave you his input, and you’ve effectively ignored it.  We say all the time here that in a dispute between us and our families, our fiance should choose us.  Because he’s marrying us, not his family.  But in this case, you’re doing the opposite – you’re putting your family’s wishes above his and above your own.  So I’m not surprised that he’s stopped giving his input, I would too. 

A civil ceremony doesn’t mean that you’re missing out on the wedding experience.  Just because we’re not invoking any deities or having the ceremony in a house of worship makes it no less of a meaningful ceremony to us.  It sounds like the only reason you’d consider a church wedding is your family, it’s not even for you.

He stood up for you and went against his parents wishes to ask you to marry him.  I think you should be standing up for him and his wishes too.  Tell the parents firmly but politely that this is your wedding and while you appreciate their opinions, you’re going in a different direction.

Post # 7
364 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

First of all, would it be possible for you two to take a couple days off of wedding planning and work, and go on a little mini-break? It sounds like you’re very stressed out, and a little time to recharge would probably make you feel better about the wedding and help remind you of why you’re with Fiance in the first place. It can be really frustrating to have a partner that works all the time. My Fiance is in that boat right now, and I feel like I never see him. He does make an effort to have a date night with me at least once a week though. The phone gets turned OFF and we either go out or just stay in and play video games or something. It’s really important for the relationship.

And then, like PP have said, don’t make yourself crazy trying to please everybody else. Just do what makes you and Fiance happy. If you have to scale things back to the point that you aren’t feeling overwhelmed and burned out, do it! Remember that atthe end of the day you are marrying the man you love and that’s what you’ll remember in 20 years, not all the insignificant details that are making you crazy now.

Post # 8
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Go on a mini break. Even if its for two days. No wedding talk. Also Im gonna tell you something I learned from my husband leading up to our wedding. Men dont really care about the details.

My husband told me this. If I showed up in purple polka dots, it wouldnt have mattered because the only thing that did matter is that we got married. I just had to learn that men arent as passionately involved as women are and they arent as detail oriented as we are.

No one not even your Fiance is going to be as excited about the wedding. I have heard this from numerous married couples. I asked my best friends husband what colors their wedding was (I knew of course) and a month afterwards, he didnt even know because its not something he ultimately cared about. He said I dont remember and he didnt remember what food they served. He did remember dancing their first dance and kissing her at the end of the ceremony.

Post # 10
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’ve lived with my fiance for almost 3 years now.  But before we moved in together, I certainly was aware of his basic habits and lifestyle.  I mean, I’m sure you’ve seen the interior of his house, so you have a basic awareness of if he lives like a pig, if he’s OCD clean or somewhere in between.  People don’t magically change when they get married, so if he’s got pizza boxes stacked to the ceiling now, he’s not going to all of a sudden start vacuuming on a weekly basis. 

As far as cooking goes, I don’t see why you couldn’t go over to his house or have him come to yours and you can cook for each other.  It’s a nice way to save money instead of going out to dinner too.   If either of you have someone in the family that’s a great cook, ask for recipes! 

Will you fight?  Yep.  I can guarantee at least a couple fights in the first few months about the stupidest crap imaginable.  It’s normal.  You’ve invaded each other’s space, you’re both used to doing things your way, and conflict is natural.  Seriously, we’ve had a fight about how to load the dishwasher.  We realized after about 10 minutes of yelling that we were being idiots, had a drink, sat on the couch and laughed about it. 

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