Post # 1
Just wanted to give u an update as to what’s going on so far. fiancé and I got engaged on November 9 of last year. some of you have been following my posts. Just to give u a quick update…Future Mother-In-Law not on board with wedding…parents seem dissapointed in the decisions that I have been making in regards to my wedding. And to top it all of fiancé has been really out of the loop with planning. We talk about it but I feel like he just doesn’t want to talk about it. And then he says he wants to get married before the end of this year. We have been dating for almost 9 years and the engagement was unexpected since i honestly thought we were going to wait another year. We do love each other very much…and always talk about our future. But nothing about wedding planning…fiancé is crazy about having only a civil wedding…I fought him about it because I did not want to dissapoint my parents and now I’m falling for the idea more and more. There is days that I bring up marriage and I feel like he gets terrify and there is days that we talk about it non stop. I am so frustrated in trying to read him…he is an attorney focusing on criminal cases. he is always stressed out and really focused in his work. He goes to court practically any time he is called by a client…and I hate saying this but I feel like he is really giving more attention to his career then perhaps our wedding. I feel awful saying it because I know he has worked so hard to get where he is and I am so proud of him. But I do wish I had his attention sometimes. I myself work about 50 hours a week sometimes more. I am an underwriter for a company and I know my job is not as stressful as his…but I still make time for him. it has honestly become a drag talking about wedding stuff with anyone…just because I am just really out of it. I bring up my wedding to anyone and I just want to stop talking about it. Ugh!!! I hate feeling like this about the most special day of my life. But honestly is the only way I have been feeling lately. It hurts me to feel like I am not lookin forward for that day the way I have always imagined it…I am so in love with fiancé and I know he is too…but I am not sure why we have not started planning…since we both want to get married this year. i am really pulling so many directions…as to what he really is feeling…there is days I think he is just too stressed out…he just hates planning…the fact that he is mother is not on board..te fact that his dad has told him to enjoy his life a little more before settling…or is it just plain cold feet…Bees I’m desperate to honestly know what to do.
Post # 3
@butterfly1988: I would do what you want to do. Take it from someone who is 2 1/2 months out from her wedding. When Fiance and I started planning in Feb of 2012 everyone gave their “do this, dont do that” opinion. We tried to please everyone, and then got to the point where we said, enough is enough. We are getting married, lets focus on that. The party is for our friends and family and is only 1 day. It is an important day, but it needs to be what you want.
If the two of you want a civil ceremony, do it! But, if you really want to have the traditional wedding, then you need to polietly let everyone know that you appreciate their opinions, but this is how you are doing it. We thought about having a quick civil ceremony and saving the money, but in the end we really wanted to have the whole wedding expirence.
Men are not that big into wedding planning, my Fiance will chime in and give an opinion when asked, but he tells me he wants me to have the wedding I have dreamed of and that he gets to marry me so he is already getting what he wants so he wants me to get the “vision” of my perfect wedding.
Good luck, and no worries, it does get easier….and then harder…and then easier again
Post # 4
@butterfly1988: *HUGS* Couple things…STOP trying to please everyone. Trust me, with a wedding, it gets you nohwere. Someone is always going to gripe, complain or grumble about something. It’s a losing battle, so don’t even waste your energy trying to win it. The other thing is, it sounds like your Fiance loves you, but is really dedicated to his career, make sure that this is something you can live with. Best of luck.
Post # 5
Get the ball rolling! I think he just isn’t really that into the planning. A lot of guys aren’t bothered and don’t have an opinion on wedding stuff, very frustrating but all too common.
I think you should sit down, plan your civil ceremony and find out how he wants to go about it. I wouldn’t be surprised if you end up planning everything and then try and find a few jobs he can do so his touch is involved as well.
Don’t worry about his parents, and don’t worry about what they think! Plan a party you and your Fiance will enjoy and run with it 🙂
Post # 6
Your fiance gave you a target date that he would like, and that having a civil ceremony would mean a lot to him. Guys in general don’t sweat the little details, and when they give serious suggestions, it tends to be important to them. Thing is, he gave you his input, and you’ve effectively ignored it. We say all the time here that in a dispute between us and our families, our fiance should choose us. Because he’s marrying us, not his family. But in this case, you’re doing the opposite – you’re putting your family’s wishes above his and above your own. So I’m not surprised that he’s stopped giving his input, I would too.
A civil ceremony doesn’t mean that you’re missing out on the wedding experience. Just because we’re not invoking any deities or having the ceremony in a house of worship makes it no less of a meaningful ceremony to us. It sounds like the only reason you’d consider a church wedding is your family, it’s not even for you.
He stood up for you and went against his parents wishes to ask you to marry him. I think you should be standing up for him and his wishes too. Tell the parents firmly but politely that this is your wedding and while you appreciate their opinions, you’re going in a different direction.
Post # 7
First of all, would it be possible for you two to take a couple days off of wedding planning and work, and go on a little mini-break? It sounds like you’re very stressed out, and a little time to recharge would probably make you feel better about the wedding and help remind you of why you’re with Fiance in the first place. It can be really frustrating to have a partner that works all the time. My Fiance is in that boat right now, and I feel like I never see him. He does make an effort to have a date night with me at least once a week though. The phone gets turned OFF and we either go out or just stay in and play video games or something. It’s really important for the relationship.
And then, like PP have said, don’t make yourself crazy trying to please everybody else. Just do what makes you and Fiance happy. If you have to scale things back to the point that you aren’t feeling overwhelmed and burned out, do it! Remember that atthe end of the day you are marrying the man you love and that’s what you’ll remember in 20 years, not all the insignificant details that are making you crazy now.
Post # 8
Go on a mini break. Even if its for two days. No wedding talk. Also Im gonna tell you something I learned from my husband leading up to our wedding. Men dont really care about the details.
My husband told me this. If I showed up in purple polka dots, it wouldnt have mattered because the only thing that did matter is that we got married. I just had to learn that men arent as passionately involved as women are and they arent as detail oriented as we are.
No one not even your Fiance is going to be as excited about the wedding. I have heard this from numerous married couples. I asked my best friends husband what colors their wedding was (I knew of course) and a month afterwards, he didnt even know because its not something he ultimately cared about. He said I dont remember and he didnt remember what food they served. He did remember dancing their first dance and kissing her at the end of the ceremony.
Post # 9
thank you for the advice 🙂 ur right men are not big on planning. It’s a little frustrating that’s the truth! Lol
lol that’s what fiancé says all the time. We could be going in jeans to the courthouse And he wouldn’t care or notice. He always says he just wants me! Which makes me feel extra special.
taking time off sounds great…I think in general we forget what that day really means. Fiancé keeps saying its about us….which I agree.
Bees…thank you for the rest of your opinions….it seems like most of you think I should take a mini vacation….which fiancé and I have been thinking. So it’s not really cold feet what he is feeling? Right…maybe I was just reading too much into it. I guess it’s normal to feel anxious and scared of the unexpected. We’re any of you a bit scare of getting married? I don’t mean scare as in like this is the last guy you will ever be but scare in the simple fact that you will be building a home. Thinking of a future…kids home…I still live with my parents and I’m sure once I will move out it will feel very different. I’m excited but at the same time I have never done this before. im anxious of what to expect the first couple of months…will fiancé like my cooking or how about will he like my habits..I have never lived with him! Will we fight about things that we are both used to doing. So much in my head!!! Any of u feel or felt like this..prior to gettin married?!
Post # 10
I’ve lived with my fiance for almost 3 years now. But before we moved in together, I certainly was aware of his basic habits and lifestyle. I mean, I’m sure you’ve seen the interior of his house, so you have a basic awareness of if he lives like a pig, if he’s OCD clean or somewhere in between. People don’t magically change when they get married, so if he’s got pizza boxes stacked to the ceiling now, he’s not going to all of a sudden start vacuuming on a weekly basis.
As far as cooking goes, I don’t see why you couldn’t go over to his house or have him come to yours and you can cook for each other. It’s a nice way to save money instead of going out to dinner too. If either of you have someone in the family that’s a great cook, ask for recipes!
Will you fight? Yep. I can guarantee at least a couple fights in the first few months about the stupidest crap imaginable. It’s normal. You’ve invaded each other’s space, you’re both used to doing things your way, and conflict is natural. Seriously, we’ve had a fight about how to load the dishwasher. We realized after about 10 minutes of yelling that we were being idiots, had a drink, sat on the couch and laughed about it.