(Closed) I need to vent… help!

posted 8 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m sure it has nothing to do with you or him cheating on you!  If he’s depressed (unemployed, home and lonely) it can be affecting his performance so he might want to talk to a doctor about it.  I know that might be awkward, but depression really can change a guys libido and performance. 

As far as him finishing too fast – maybe he can use a condom every now and again – guys tend to last longer that way and he can always take it off after you get yours!  Also, does he mind if you finish yourself off?  I know not everyone is comfortable with that, but there have been a few times I just haven’t gotten there and Fiance has encouraged me to do what I need to do to be satisfied and has offered up anything I need (kissing, touching, whatever).

Bottom line, always, is to be open with him about what you are feeling.  Good luck – both emotionally and physically 🙂 

Post # 4
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

No you shouldn’t suck it up & deal.  You need to let him know how you are feeling.  If you don’t he won’t know that you are having issues.  He needs to understand you have needs that need to be met just as much as his.  If he is just a man that climaxes fast, then he needs to get your needs taken care of first & then move to him.  Also, maybe you should take control, don’t let him move & you be the one to do it & if you get any sign of him about to go, then STOP moving until he calms down.  Also, even if you aren’t comfortable with this, maybe you should start to help with your climax while having sex.  Hope this helps & good luck!

Post # 5
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Well, I would definitely talk to him about it, but I just wanted to add that it’s really pretty normal for a man to become soft after her orgasms once.  Following orgasm there’s a period of time called the “refractory” period in which the man has to “recover” before he can become erect and ejaculate again.  The length of the refractory period is different for every guy.  For some it is minutes (this is pretty rare, from what I understand), for others is can be an hour or several hours, for some guys it can take a long time.  It really depends.  It sounds to me as though your guy’s body has gone through a change of some kind and his refractory period has become longer.  If you had told us that he was no longer able to become erect and ejaculate at all, I would say there’s a problem–but since he can still become erect and still orgasms and ejaculates once, I think everything is fine.  If, however, you’re concerned, the BEST thing to do is talk to him–open communication is absolutely key.

Post # 8
Member
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Um…don’t talk to him about your feelings. Just tell HIM to suck it up and deal. If you get my drift. Nudge nudge wink wink. That way you go first.

Post # 9
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Is this something you can openly talk to him about? Yeah maybe have him go for pleasing you orally first and then after you’re done.. Move on to him. But really. Maybe you should see a doctor together because you’re going to marry into a miniute man husband and resent him after a while… Especially is penetration is essential to you.

Post # 10
Member
549 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree with all the other ladies!  Never suck it up… if it’s bothering you now, it will not get any better!!  Just sit him down (outside of the bedroom!!) and have a talk about it!  I had similar problems with Fiance as well, and once we talked about it, he made a big effort to control as much as he was able! Just sit him down, stroke his ego a little bit before you start the conversation, and have a chat!  Good luck!!!

Post # 11
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

My honest opinion? Why are you marrying someone who can’t meet your emotional or physical needs? You only get one shot at life. You deserve a partner who can be a partner in every since of the word. I’m not saying you should break up right now, but I think you should fix these problems before you get married to him.

Post # 12
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

@RL321 – I’m so sorry you have all this family history that makes it hard, but just remember that HE is not THEM and that you do trust him!  You can never tell when a guy is going to go through a down period, my guy is the most optimistic person I’ve ever met, but all of a sudden about a week ago he got really down about everything.  Later we figured out that everything is fine but he was having anxiety about the wedding and kids and pressure to provide for his family, all of this stuff that just overwhelmed him.  A long way for me to say that maybe he is overthinking things too and is overwhelmed and it’s affecting things negatively.

The bottom line, no matter what, is that you have to talk to him about your needs, physically and emotionally, and ASK WHAT HE NEEDS TOO!  Marriage is about making sure both of you are satisfied.  I know it would drive my guy crazy if he never satisfied me so maybe that’s part of it too! 

The only way you are going to find out the heart of the matter is through openly talking…good luck! 

Post # 13
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

First- I’m SO sorry you’re going through this.

I don’t know what your communication style is in your relationship, but I’m surprised that a conversation about this hasn’t already occurred. I would think that you BOTH would want to talk about this to try and figure out what’s wrong and what can be done about it. I don’t know how old your Fiance is or if there are any medical conditions that could be a contributing factor, but I definitely think he needs to make an appointment to see a doctor. Since this isn’t the first time this has happened (you said it’s been like this for the past 5 years) and it now seems to be more frequent- I think that your Fiance should talk to a doctor who might be able to help figure out what’s going on and what can be done about it. This certainly falls in line with sexual dysfunction, and I definitely think that a professional needs to help you guys figure out if it’s emotional or physical or what. I’m actually surprised that this has been going on all these years and your Fiance hasn’t gone running to a doctor to find out what’s happening.

If you suggest this to your Fiance and he flips out and doesn’t want to see a doctor to figure out what’s going on, then I would seriously start to re-evaluate things and try to determine WHY he seems content to not be satisfying you sexually and emotionally. While I don’t think that this particular problem is a deal breaker, please know that you DO deserve to have all of your needs met, and to get out of your relationship what you’re putting into it. Your Fiance should CARE that your needs aren’t being met, and he should want to go to the ends of the earth to figure out what’s going on. The fact that this hasn’t happened in the 5 years you’ve been together is truly baffling to me.

Good luck and let us know what happens!

Post # 14
Member
4765 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas

I just wanted to add…3X a day is a LOT! I’m actually very surprised that he was able to do that at all. I definitely think you should talk to him about what’s going on, but I think that one time a day is great – and more than most people have, I would assume. 

As far as the other issues, I definitely think you guys should talk about it and see if you can come up with a way that you can both be satisfied.

Post # 15
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

First and for most talk to him. Have you guys tried a cock ring? many of these also have clit ticklers. They’re safe for his erection and won’t harm his “little man”. They’re usually really soft and can flex with the penis they just hold it tighter. Have you tried having him ejaculate before sex? Both of those things should be able to help him last longer.

http://www.adameve.com/adult-sex-toys/cock-rings-c-1003.aspx

Post # 16
Member
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

dude, 3x a day everyday for 5 years is insane (in a good way)!  I would definitely talk to him about your feelings, but I think as an isolated thing going soft after the first time isn’t an issue at all.  Other than him orgasming quickly (I am assuming it’s not premature ejac), I don’t think he has a sexual dysfunction.  However, I do think that a visit to a couples counseler could help you guys sort through some stuff, esp if you think he may be depressed and you have trust issues.  GL!

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